A tear slipped down Brock’s cheek, and I reached over and gently wiped it away.
“The day she went into labor, I wasn’t that far away, at a PBR event. I was about to ride when I was told she was in labor, too early, and there was a problem.” His voice shook and he closed his eyes. “The helicopter was waiting to take me to her, and I . . . I was up to ride. Dirk was yelling for me to get off the bull, but I kept telling myself it would only be one to two more minutes. I could ride and still get out of there and to Kaci.”
My chest grew heavy with sadness for him. “Brock,” I whispered.
“I made the eight. Then reality came crashing in on me. I was putting bull riding first over my wife, and now I was also doing it with my unborn child. I cursed myself the entire trip back home. Dirk didn’t utter a word to me, and I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t even believe I had done it. The guilt was ripping me in half. In my mind at the time, I had made the right decision. I needed the win for a big sum of money. I justified it because of that.”
He paused again, and I dropped onto the floor in front of him. Holding on to him. I could see the emotions growing, and I knew Brock had been carrying that guilt with him for so long.
“I got there just after Blayze was born. Kaci smiled the moment I walked into the room. She knew I had ridden because Dirk had called to talk to her. He told her. It took me some time to forgive him for that, but I understood why he did it. He loved her, too, and was scared, wasn’t thinking clearly himself. Anyway, she told me we had a son. Those were her last words to me.”
I lost my battle to keep my tears at bay.
“The next thing I knew, my mother was screaming Kaci’s name and they were pushing us out of the room. The doctor later told me she died from a blood clot that must have come loose when she was delivering Blayze. Dirk flipped out on me and said it was my fault that it happened. He didn’t mean it, of course; I think he was upset with himself as well for telling her I rode.”
I sat there, stunned. Every emotion I could possibly feel rushed through me. I was angry with Dirk for blaming Kaci’s death on Brock, angry at Kaci for forcing Brock’s hand, hurt for how Brock had carried around the guilt of her death, and helpless because he blamed himself. What a mess.
“After all that, I vowed that I was never opening my heart again. I could never let someone get that close to me. I let her down when she needed me the most, and I wouldn’t do it again.”
“Brock,” I whispered, taking his hand and kissing the back of it.
“Then, I met you, and my entire world turned upside down. When I’m with you, Lincoln, I feel something so powerful and so real. It’s beautiful, and sometimes I feel like it’s beyond words.”
Tears filled my eyes. “I feel the same. I need you to know something, though. None of what happened with Kaci was your fault.”
He closed his eyes.
“It wasn’t, Brock. I know if you could go back, you’d change some of it, but nothing you did led to her death. If she had a blood clot, that was not something you’d caused. And the day she went into labor, you can’t know why that happened. There could have been any number of reasons why she went into labor early. This guilt you’re holding on to—you need to let it go.”
“I know,” he whispered. “I want to, and I feel like I have let a lot of it go, with you being in my life.” Brock’s eyes met mine. “I’m so sorry about that day in the barn, Lincoln. I was confused and scared. Still holding on to a lot of guilt.”
“I understand why you ran away that day. But we have to promise each other that we’ll talk about everything we’re feeling. We have to be honest.”
He nodded. “I know.”
I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I wanted to push off talking about our future to another day. I wanted to pretend like we didn’t have this facing us head-on in a new, very fragile relationship. But we did. And I’d just preached about being honest with each other, so here went nothing . . . or everything.
I climbed back up onto the sofa and turned to face him. “Where do you see us in five years?” I asked.