I cringed backward, eyes wide. "But he... he attacked me..."
"Yes. And Inna. A human! You let a human attack you." He couldn't keep the sneer from his voice. "You are weak. You are incapable of defending yourself-all because you refuse to be awakened!"
His voice was terrifying, and the look he gave me... well, it scared me almost more than Nathan had. Reaching forward, he jerked me up to my feet.
"If you had just been killed, it would have been your own fault," he said. His fingers dug into my wrist as he shook me. "You have the chance for immortality, for incredible strength! And you're too blind and stubborn to see it."
I swallowed back more tears and rubbed my eyes with the back of my free hand. No doubt I was ruining the makeup I'd so painstakingly put on.
My heart was ready to explode out of my chest, I was so afraid. I expected rage and threats from Nathan-but not Dimitri.
You've forgotten he's a Strigoi, something whispered in my mind.
I'd gone long enough without a bite and had enough adrenaline kicking me to alertness that my nagging voice was speaking more loudly than it had in a very long time. Dimitri said I was weak because I wasn't Strigoi, but there was more to it than that. I was weak and had been subdued by Nathan and Inna because I was an addict, because I was living a life of blissful ignorance that was taking a toll on my body and my mind. The thought was startling, and I could barely hold onto it. My yearning for vampire endorphins flared up, and the two factions warred in my mind.
I had enough sense not to voice any of those thoughts. I tried for something that would pacify Dimitri instead. "I don't think I'd be stronger than Nathan, even if I was turn-awakened."
He ran a hand over my hair, his cold voice thoughtful. He seemed to be calming down, but his eyes were still angry and impatient. "Perhaps not initially, but your strength of body and will carries over with the change. He's not that much older than either of us-not enough to make a noticeable difference, which is why he keeps backing down when we fight."
"Why do you keep backing down?"
I felt his body go rigid, and I realized my question might be read as a slam against his prowess. I swallowed, my fear returning. He hadn't let go of my wrist, and it was starting to hurt.
"Because he's right about one thing," Dimitri said stiffly. "Killing him would bring Galina's wrath down on us. And that's not something I can afford.
Yet."
"You said before that you... that we... had to kill her."
"Yes, and once we do, it'll be easy to seize control of her assets and organization."
"What is her organization exactly?" If I kept distracting him, the anger might go away. The monster might go away.
He shrugged. "All sorts of things. This wealth isn't bought without effort."
"Effort that's illegal and hurts humans?"
"Does it matter?"
I didn't bother with an answer. "But Galina used to be your teacher. Can you really kill her? And I don't mean physically... I mean, doesn't it bother you?"
He considered. "I told you before. It's all about strength and weakness. Prey and predator. If we can bring her down-and I have no doubts we can -then she's prey. End of story."
I shivered. It was so harsh, such a stark and scary way of viewing the world. Dimitri released my wrist just then, and a wave of relief ran through me. On shaky legs, I backed up and sat on the couch. For a moment, I feared he'd grab me again, but instead he sat down beside me.
"Why did Inna attack me? Why did she defend Nathan?"
"Because she loves him." Dimitri didn't bother hiding his disgust.
"But how...?"
"Who knows? Part of it is that he's promised to awaken her once she's put in time here." Sydney's warnings came back to me, about why the Alchemists feared that humans would learn about vampires-because humans might want to turn too. "That's what most of the human servants are told."
"Told?"
"Most are unworthy. Or, more often than not, someone gets hungry and finishes the human off."
I was getting sick to my stomach, independent of Dimitri's proximity. "This is all a mess."
"It doesn't have to be." I didn't think he would shake me again, but there was a dangerous glint in his eyes. The monster was only a heartbeat away. "Time's running out. I've been lenient, Roza. Far more lenient than I would be with anyone else."
"Why? Why have you done it?" I wanted-needed-then to hear him say it was because he loved me and that because of that love, he could never force me into anything I didn't want. I needed to hear it so that I could blot out that terrifying, furious creature I'd seen a few minutes ago.
"Because I know how you think. And I know awakening you of your own free will would make you a more important ally. You're independent and strong-minded-that's what makes you valuable."
"An ally, huh?"
Not the woman he loved.
He shifted so that his face hovered over mine. "Didn't I tell you once I'd always be there for you? I'm here. I'll protect you. We're going to be together. We're meant to be together. You know this." There was more fierceness in his voice than affection.
He kissed my lips, drawing me close. The usual heat flooded me, my body instantly responding to his. But even as my body did one thing, other thoughts were spinning through my mind. I had always thought we were meant to be together. And he had once told me he'd always be there for me. I'd always wanted that too-but I had wanted to be there for him in return. I wanted us to be equals, always watching each other's backs.
Today hadn't been like that. I'd been defenseless. Weak. Never, never in my life had I been like that. Even in horrible, outmatched moments, I'd put up a decent fight. At the very least, I'd had the will to fight. Not now. I'd been terrified. I'd been ineffectual. I hadn't been able to do anything except sit there pathetically and wait for someone to rescue me. I'd let a human get the best of me.
Dimitri said me becoming Strigoi was the solution. For the last week, he'd said that over and over, and while I hadn't agreed to it, I hadn't been as repulsed as I once had been. Lately, it had become a thought floating around out there, a far-off way for us to be together. And I did want to be together, especially in moments like this, when we kissed and desire crackled around both of us.
But this time... the desire wasn't quite as intense as usual. It was still there, but I couldn't shake the image of how he'd just been. It occurred to me with startling clarity that I was making out with a Strigoi. And that was... weird.
Breathing heavy, Dimitri pulled away from my lips for a moment and stared at me. Even with that composed Strigoi expression, I could see that he wanted me-in a lot of ways. It was confusing. He was Dimitri and not Dimitri. Leaning back down, he kissed my cheek, then my chin, and then my neck. His mouth opened wider, and I started to feel the points of his fangs...
"No," I blurted out.
He froze. "What did you say?" My heart started thumping again, as I braced myself for more rage.
"Um... no. Not this time."
He pulled back and looked at me, seeming both shocked and annoyed. When he didn't respond, I began to ramble.
"I don't feel good... I'm hurt. I'm afraid to lose the blood, even though I want..." Dimitri always said I couldn't lie to him, but I had to try. I put on my best, most passionate and innocent face. "I want it... I want to feel the bite... but I want to rest first, get stronger..."
"Let me awaken you, and you'll be strong again."
"I know," I said, still keeping my voice slightly frantic. I looked away, hoping to increase the facade of confusion. Okay, with my life lately, faking confusion wasn't that hard. "And I'm starting to think..."
I heard a sharp intake of breath. "Starting to think what?"
I turned back to him, hoping I could convince him I was seriously considering turning. "I'm starting to think that I don't ever want to be weak again."
I could see it in his face. He believed me. But then, that last part hadn't been a lie. I didn't want to be weak.
"Please... I just want to rest. I need to think about it a little more."
There it was, the moment this all weighed on. The truth was, I wasn't just lying to him. I was lying to myself. Because seriously? I wanted that bite. Badly. I'd already gone a long time without one, and my body was screaming for it. I needed the endorphins, needed them more than air or food. And yet, in only one day without them, I'd gained a tiny shard of clarity. The part of me that wanted nothing more than the joy of ignorant ecstasy didn't care about my mind growing clearer, yet I knew, deep inside, that I had to try for a little bit more, even if it meant depriving myself of what I most wanted.