I was still in turmoil, still raging and full of grief, but his story kept me quiet and transfixed. Hearing him pour his heart out was a rare opportunity.
"You heard me talk about this before,' he continued. "About my goal to appreciate life's little details. And the more we continued on our journey, the more I remembered who I was. Not just a fighter. Fighting is easy. It's why we fight that matters, and in the alley that night with Donovan ...' He shuddered. "That was the moment I could have crossed over into someone who fights just to senselessly kill--but you pulled me back, Rose. That was the turning point. You saved me ... just as Lissa saved me with the stake. I knew then that in order to leave the Strigoi part of me behind, I had to fight through to be what theyaren't. I had to embrace what they reject: beauty, love, honor.'
Right then, I was two people. One was overjoyed. Hearing him talk like that, realizing he was fighting his demons and close to victory ... well, I nearly wept with joy. It was what I'd wanted for him for so long. At the same time, his inspiring words only reminded me how far I'd fallen. My sorrow and self-pity took over again.
"Then you should understand,' I said bitterly. "You just said it: honor. It matters. We both know it does. I've lost mine. I lost it out there in the parking lot when I killed an innocent.'
"And I've killed hundreds,' he said flatly. "People much more innocent than Victor Dashkov.'
"It's not the same! You couldn't help it!' My feelings exploded to the surface again. "Why are we repeating the same things over and over?' "Because they aren't sinking in! You couldn't help it either.' His patience was cracking. "Feel guilty. Mourn this. But move on. Don't let it destroy you. Forgive yourself.'
I leapt to my feet, catching him by surprise. I leaned down, putting us face to face. "Forgive myself? That's what you want? You of all people?'
Words seemed to escape him. I think it had to do with my proximity. He managed a nod.
"Then tell me this. You say you moved past the guilt, decided to revel in life and all that. I get it. But have you, in your heart, really forgiven yourself? I told you a long time ago that I forgave you for everything in Siberia, but what about you? Have you done it?'
"I just said--'
"No. It's not the same. You're telling me to forgive myself and move on. But you won't do it yourself. You're a hypocrite, comrade. We're either both guilty or both innocent. Pick.'
He rose as well, looking down at me from that lofty height. "It's not that simple.'
I crossed my arms over my chest, refusing to be intimidated. "It is that simple. We're the same! Even Sonya says we are. We've always been the same, and we're both acting the same stupid way now. We hold ourselves up to a higher standard than everyone else.'
Dimitri frowned. "I--Sonya? What does she have to do with any of this?'
"She said our auras match. She said we light up around each other. She says it means you still love me and that we're in sync, and ...' I sighed and turned away, wandering across the room. "I don't know. I shouldn't have mentioned it. We shouldn't buy into this aura stuff when it comes from magic users who are already half-insane.'
I reached the window and leaned my forehead against the cool glass, trying to decide what to do. Forgive myself. Could I? A small city sprawled before me, though I'd lost track of where we were. Cars and people moved below, souls out living their lives. I took a deep breath. The image of Victor on the asphalt was going to stay with me for a long, long time. I had done something horrible, even if my intentions were good, but everyone was right: I hadn't been myself. Did that change what had happened? Would that bring Victor back? No. And honestly, I didn't know how I would move past what I'd done, how I'd shake the bloody images in my head. I just knew I had to go on.
"If I let this stop me,' I murmured, "if I do nothing ... then that's the greater evil. I'll do more good by surviving. By continuing to fight and protect others.'
"What are you saying?' asked Dimitri.
"I'm saying ... I forgive myself. That doesn't make everything perfect, but it's a start.' My fingertip traced the line of a tiny crack in the glass's surface. "Who knows? Maybe that outburst in the parking lot let out some of the darkness Sonya says is in my aura. Skeptic that I am, I have to give her some points. She was right that I was at a breaking point, that all I needed was a spark.'
"She was right about something else too,' Dimitri said after a long pause. My back was to him, but there was a strange quality to his voice that made me turn around.
"What's that?' I asked.
"That I do still love you.'
With that one sentence, everything in the universe changed. Time slowed to one heartbeat. The world became his eyes, his voice. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. None of it could be real. It felt like a spirit dream. I resisted the urge to close my eyes and see if I'd wake up moments later. No. No matter how unbelievable it all seemed, this was no dream. This was real. This was life. This was flesh and blood.
"Since ... since when?' I finally managed to ask.
"Since ... forever.' His tone implied the answer was obvious. "I denied it when I was restored. I had no room for anything in my heart except guilt. I especially felt guilty about you--what I'd done--and I pushed you away. I put up a wall to keep you safe. It worked for a while--until my heart finally started accepting other emotions. And it all came back. Everything I felt for you. It had never left; it was just hidden from me until I was ready. And again ... that alley was the turning point. I looked at you ... saw your goodness, your hope, and your faith. Those are what make you beautiful. So, so beautiful.'
"So it wasn't my hair,' I said, unsure how I was even capable of making a joke at a time like this.
"No,' he said gently. "Your hair was beautiful too. All of you. You were amazing when we first met, and somehow, inexplicably, you've come even farther. You've always been pure, raw energy, and now you control it. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I'm glad to have had that love for you in my life. I regret losing it.' He grew pensive. "I would give anything--anything--in the world to go back and change history. To run into your arms after Lissa brought me back. To have a life with you. It's too late, of course, but I've accepted it.'
"Why ... why is it too late?'
Dimitri's eyes grew sad. "Because of Adrian. Because you've moved on. No, listen,' he said, cutting off my protests. "You were right to do that after how I treated you. And more than anything else, I want you to be happy once we clear your name and get Jill recognized. You said yourself that Adrian makes you happy. You said you love him.'