“Please, Xander. I can be there for you. We can work through this. Let me help you come to terms with your grief. You say I put Parker’s life away into boxes, but you did exactly the same with your feelings. You stopped working at home and you spent every hour you could at work. We never talked. We never admitted how much we needed each other. Help me, Xander. Let me help you.”
Xander shook his head again, his face a taut mask devoid of expression, his eyes cold. “You are the last person I will ever ask for help.”
He stepped through the open door and out onto the porch. Past his shoulder, out on the street, Olivia saw Rachelle get out of the car and look toward the house. Xander raised a hand to Rachelle in acknowledgment and kept walking.
Olivia stayed there, frozen in the entrance hall of her home, as she watched her husband walk away from her for the second time in their marriage. His parting words echoed in her mind. As the sound of Rachelle’s car driving away faded into the distance, Olivia slowly shut the door and rested her forehead against its surface.
Every part of her body hurt from the inside out. She’d thought it was bad the last time he’d left her, but she’d still been so numb with losing Parker that she hadn’t had the capacity to think or to feel too much. But now—given all that had developed between them since he’d been back, given how much she still loved him—she hurt in ways she’d never dreamed possible.
Where did this leave them, exactly? Wherever it was, she knew she didn’t like it. Hated it, in fact. Hated that once again she’d allowed the best thing that had ever happened to her to walk out that door.
And still she loved him.
Fifteen
Xander sat in the car as Rachelle drove away from the house, his eyes fixed forward. Look to the future, he told himself, away from the past. Away from the hurt, the anger, the betrayal. Anger still simmered beneath the surface. At Olivia, at himself.
“Did you want to stop somewhere for a meal or a drink?” Rachelle said as they entered the harbor bridge approach.
“No,” he said abruptly. “Thanks,” he added. “Just to my place would be fine.”
She nodded, but he sensed her disappointment. He remembered now that before his accident they’d become closer than two people who simply worked together. Friends still, not lovers. But they’d been heading in a more romantic direction. Although, when he’d been honest with himself, he’d found it impossible to engage his emotions to the extent he needed to in order to embark on an intimate relationship with someone. He knew she was a lot more invested in developing their relationship than he’d been. At least she’d never hidden that from him, not the way Olivia had hidden so much.
His stomach tightened on an unexpectedly sharp pain. Why did it hurt so much to be leaving her again? He’d already done it once before—and now that he remembered why, he understood and agreed with the choice he’d made two years ago. This time shouldn’t have been any different, and yet it felt as if he was leaving a vital part of himself behind.
Being a Friday night, traffic was quite heavy. The journey gave him far too much time to think and reflect. He was relieved when Rachelle pulled into the underground car park and drew to a halt in one of the parking spaces allocated to his apartment.
She turned off the engine and twisted in her seat to face him. The smile on her face didn’t quite match the uncertainty he saw in her eyes.
“Xander? Are you okay? Do you want me to come up with you?”
“Look, thanks for the ride, but I’d prefer to be on my own right now.”
Her smile faded. “You’re not angry with me, are you? I wanted to say something to you when I saw you and Olivia at the apartment, but she wouldn’t let me.”
Xander sighed. He just bet Olivia didn’t let Rachelle say anything. “Of course I’m not angry with you,” he said and leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek. “I’ll see you on Monday, okay? At the office.”
“You’ve been cleared to come back to work? That’s fabulous. We’ve missed you so much. I’ve missed you.”
“Cleared or not, I’m coming back. Even if it’s only for a few hours a day. I need to get back to normal.” Whatever normal is now, he added silently. “Again, thanks for the ride. I appreciate you coming to get me at such short notice.”
“Anytime, you just call me. I’m here for you. I could even get you some groceries now, if you like, and bring them back. It’s pretty empty up there right now.”