-Lord Byron
* * *
I hike up the trail into the foothills surrounding the lake, past the last cabin and up, up, up a fire road to God knows where. I only know it goes too far for me to find the end of it.
I walk until my feet hurt and the sun starts to set, and turn around when the forest grows chilly enough to make me shiver beneath my fleece. Only then do I start back the way I came, arms crossed tightly at my chest, jaw gritted against the cold. I’ve been gone at least an hour and it will take nearly that long to get back.
Danny should have had plenty of time to pack and leave.
Danny. Leaving.
Packing up his things and never coming back.
A fresh wave of misery washes up from my feet to punch me behind the backs of my eyes, but I don’t start crying again. I’m too tired to cry. I’m too tired to do anything but curl into a ball and sleep, though I doubt sleep will come easy when I’m lying alone in the bed where Danny slept beside me last night. It’s going to smell like him. I’ll be able to catch a whiff of his shampoo on the pillowcase and his Danny scent on the sheets. And it might be for the last time.
I may never smell him, touch him, see him smile ever again. The man I love might have decided he can’t love me anymore.
If so, I’ve made my worst fear come true.
Maybe I should have told him what really happened. If he knew the truth, he might be able to forgive me for being a coward, though I doubt it would change the outcome in the long run.
Our relationship would still be forever changed. I am forever changed.
Nothing I do will bring Deidre back, but I’m beginning to think nothing will bring me back, either. Not the old me, the girl who was so rarely afraid. The girl who had no dark secrets, no shame, no regret.
I hate that girl.
I hate how innocent she was, all while thinking she was wild because she enjoyed a little spice in the bedroom with the boy she’d been dating for so long they were practically the same person. I hate that she drifted through life expecting the bad things to be far and few between, and that she walked through the doors of the frat house so certain nothing terrible was going to happen.
I wish I could travel back in time and slap her in the face, shake her until her teeth rattle, do whatever it takes to knock some fear into her before it’s too late. I wish I could go even further back in time to shame the people who raised her to be fearless and brave, and to warn the boy who loved her so well he made her believe love lasts forever that he was setting her up for a long, hard fall.
Nothing lasts forever. Sometimes, knowing that everything comes to an end was the only thing that helped me get out of bed in the morning.
But now losing forever with Danny feels like it’s going to destroy what’s left of my heart.
It’s almost dark by the time I reach the cabin. I can’t see the parking lot from here. I don’t know if the car is gone, but I’m too tired to walk down and check.
My head is spinning and my lips and fingertips feel frozen. Stress and misery are as exhausting as training for a marathon. Worse, because at least you get an endorphin rush after a ten mile run and a few circuits in the weight room. All stress and misery leave behind is emptiness, hopelessness. They throw you down the deepest well in the world and leave you there to shiver alone in the darkness.
I’m shivering as I climb the stairs, and hoping the fire will still be lit. I’m too afraid to hope for anything else.
I saw the look in Danny’s eyes before I left. He’s never looked at me like that before, like a stranger, a monster who was holding the girl he loved prisoner. I’ve done my share of hating myself the past few months, but nothing as awful as the way I’ve felt this afternoon.
I wish there was another choice. I wish I could see some way out of this other than the way I’ve chosen. But I can’t and now all that’s left to do is to find out if I’ll be moving on alone. I push the door handle and step slowly into the cabin, holding my breath as I scan the room.
When I see Danny sitting on the carpet in front of the fireplace, I practically sob with relief.
And then I see them, the bottles…
There are two empty bottles of wine on the table beside him, and a third in his hand. From the looks of the liquid sloshing around in the bottom, it will be empty soon.