Hundreds (Dollar 3)

His chest heaved with breath as he dragged a hand over his suddenly sweaty face. “I meant what I said.” His nostrils flared and hands balled. “You’re not worth it. I lost myself once before. I wear countless deaths and carry an eternity of shame. I lost everyone I ever loved all because I didn’t have the willpower to say no.”

He backed away from me, shoving aside a chair and stumbling toward the other bedroom. “I’m saying no now. I won’t do that again. Not for you. Not for anyone.”

He slammed the double doors leading toward the untouched bedroom, leaving me shell-shocked, shivering, and for the first time, no longer afraid for me but entirely terrified for someone else.

Everyone had trials.

Everyone endured pain.

My past had been shitty.

But Elder, he lived a reoccurring nightmare.

And no one had the cure.

Not me.

Not him.

Not even fate.

* * * * *

I didn’t know how long I stood there.

I didn’t know how my body remained upright and not crumbled on the floor.

My mind raced. My pulse thrummed. My decision morphed from soot and heartbreak.

Elder had taken me from my certain death and given me life. He’d killed my master, cultivated my courage, and sowed the seeds of hope for a better world.

He’d sacrificed himself for me.

He’d given me his everything and what had I done? Just asked for more and more until he had nothing left to give.

I’d done this.

I’d driven him to this point.

I was the root of evil, and no matter what my own heart wanted…I couldn’t hurt him anymore.

He’s hurting enough.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I pretended No One gave me a hug. That the thoughts in my head transcribed onto paper and my pen friend could read and understand them. That they would nod wisely and say I was right. That they would pen me a reply and tell me the future; reveal how the hell I would move on from here.

Elder was in pain.

I’d overstayed my welcome.

He mentioned my mother, so she was alive.

I had my voice, so I could ask for directions.

I made him unhappy, so it was time for me to leave.

Last night had taught me two things: one, beneath the scramble of torture I was a woman who could enjoy sex with the right partner, and two, I cared for Elder much more than I wanted to admit.

I cared enough to put him before me, no matter the agony.

I wasn’t ready to go.

But leaving for him made a world of difference.

In a daze, I wandered back toward the bed where we’d last been together and slipped into a simple pink sundress from the bag Elder’s staff had packed for me. Plaiting my hair and rubbing my face, I swallowed the tears welling deep like an endless pond.

With glassy vision, I opened the bedside table and found hotel stationery beside a pocket-sized bible.

Barely breathing, I sat on the bed and composed a letter for someone other than No One.

Dear Elder,

It’s so strange writing this to someone who is real. Someone who will touch what I’ve written, read what I’ve spoken, and be affected by the sentences I choose.

First, I want to say how grateful I am for everything you have given me. I never thought I would talk again, let alone willingly kiss and go to bed with a man.

But you made that possible.

You saved me from Alrik and from myself.

You are my guardian angel.

I know that’s silly and a little overdramatic, but when I’m with you, I’m stronger. You make me face new things, yet you stand by me until I overcome them.

Because of that generosity, I took everything you gave me, lynching your strength and leaving you with nothing for yourself. I understand now that I’ve taken too much and I’m so unbelievably sorry.

I always knew our time together was temporary—just like you.

When you first took me, I believed it would be temporary by ending my life. And now that I know you, I understand it’s because two people like us can never have forever.

We’re too damaged.

Too wary.

I stupidly hoped I could change us into permanent, if only we worked together, but I see now that was my true naivety.

I need to let you go.

This is goodbye, Elder.

Don’t worry about me. You’ve taught me to survive.

Don’t follow me. I’m no longer your concern.

Don’t regret being with me. Because I will forever think of you fondly.

I’m alive because of you—

I paused as a tear splashed onto the paper, smearing the ink until it turned into a swirling watercolour rather than cursive.

The letter was already too long. I had to leave before he returned and broke my heart some more. However, I had something else to say. Something he’d mentioned at dinner and filled me so full of love I’d almost burst with it.

The pen swished across the paper.

You once stole my letters to No One. To begin with, I felt so violated having you read my deepest confessions. But now, I’m glad. You were right the other night. I think I was always writing to you. It hurts to think of you as no one. As someone so alone. But it gives me something so priceless to know all along, my letters were meant for you.