She felt him kiss the top of her head. “We’d go anywhere with you, Janey. There isn’t a place on this planet that you could go and we wouldn’t be right there with you.”
They silently watched their surroundings. It was peaceful and serene and, for just a moment, she imagined that this was her life. She could picture the guys coming home, coming home to her. They would laugh and touch and they wouldn’t have a care in the world. There would be no death, no pain. Her mama would be happy, and they would all eat dinner together every Sunday. It would only be smiles all the time, because there had been enough heartache in their lives to last an eternity.
“My father didn’t just hit me.” Taking a steadying breath, she continued, “He raped me when I was thirteen.” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could sensor them. William tensed beside her, and his hand tightened almost painfully around hers. Although it hurt like hell to finally say it aloud, the relief she instantly felt at getting it off her chest was immense.
“Janey—”
She shook her head and exhaled. There was so much emotion in her name when he said it that her chest ached. She needed to tell him, both of them, finally. “No, William. Please let me get it all out.” He didn’t say anything, and she continued, “It was that one and only time. He came home drunk, like usual. Mom was already asleep, and so was I, but I woke up when I heard him stumble up the stairs.” She closed her eyes as the memory washed through her. She had blocked it out, because it hurt too damn bad. “I could see his shadow through the crack at the bottom of the door. He had come in, and I thought he would hit me, but he was so quiet, William, so damn quiet as he closed the door behind him.” Tears started to fall down her cheeks, but she didn’t brush them away. She hadn’t cried over that night in twelve years. It felt good.
“I could smell the alcohol all the way from the doorway. My eyes were adjusted to the dark, and I could see him stumble forward. I didn’t move, Will, didn’t even breathe in hopes that he wouldn’t bother me. In the end, it didn’t matter though.”
“Oh, Janey. My sweet, sweet darling.” He pulled her into his lap and held her tight. He stroked her hair and let her cry into his chest.
“I didn’t even make a sound, Will.” Clutching his shirt, she felt the self-disgust and hatred slam into her. “I just wanted it to end, Will, so damn bad. When he was finished, I threw up.” She laughed bitterly. “I didn’t even bother cleaning myself up. Mom found me like that in the morning, covered in my own vomit.” Shaking her head, she pushed away from his chest and stared into his worried blue eyes. “He didn’t even remember doing it, Will.” He brushed a tear away from her cheek and brushed his lips across hers.
“Why didn’t you tell us, sweetheart? We would have taken care of you.”
She knew he meant well, but what would two thirteen-year-old boys do to a grown man? Her father was vile, and getting them involved was the last thing she wanted.
“I didn’t tell anyone, not even Mom. I was afraid that if I told anyone, they would think it was my fault, that I had done something to provoke him.”
“Janey.” The firmness in his voice was startling. “You have done nothing wrong. Charles Silver was a piece of shit, and if we ever saw him, we wouldn’t hesitate to….” He didn’t finish his sentence, and she shivered at the dark meaning behind it.
“I don’t want my past to define who I am. I slept with that boy when I was seventeen, because I wanted the memory of what my father did to me out of my head. I just wish it had been you and Rys that had erased that memory sooner.”
“Me too, Janey. God, me too.” He stroked her face gently. The anguish in his face was tangible.
“I’ve taken these years to come to terms with what happened. I’m okay.” She was, for the most part, but then she had the damn dreams, and they opened up her wounds once again. “I led you two to think that everything had gotten better, that the beatings had stopped. Obviously, it was a lie, but I didn’t want you and Rys rushing to my defense. I didn’t know where else to go that night I came to you and Rys at the field party. When I ran out of the house, you two were the only ones I wanted to go to. I love you two so much.”