"Who?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"Dad," he said. "Our daddy died an hour ago."
I was paralyzed. My eyes welled with tears at the same instant that Micah started to cry.
"Dana and I are driving up to see him now," Micah went on. "I just called her, and I'm going to pick her up on the way. I know he's gone, but we have to go see him."
"Oh . . . Micah . . ."
"I know," he said. "I gotta go . . ."
I hung up the phone. Throughout the conversation, Cat hadn't taken her eyes from me.
"What is it?" she asked.
I told her. My wife burst into tears and opened her arms to me. Behind us, the camera finally clicked off. Everything, I realized, had been caught on film, but the cameramen were sensitive enough to pack up and leave quietly.
I stayed up most of the night, talking and crying with Cat. My brother called me sometime in the middle of the night and said that he and Dana had reached the hospital and seen my father's body.
"I can't believe he's gone," Micah told me. He was clearly in shock. "I just talked to him last night, and now I'll never talk to him again."
"How's Dana doing?"
"Terrible. She hasn't stopped crying since we got here, but we'll be leaving in a couple of minutes. I mean . . . I don't know what else to do."
"I wish I was with you guys right now."
"Me, too." He paused. "When will you be coming out?"
"I don't know," I said. "As soon as I can. I'm supposed to be flying out to California for a booksellers dinner this weekend, but I'll cancel . . . Jesus, I still can't believe it."
"It's unreal, isn't it?"
And then we both started crying again.
In the morning, Micah called again. As we talked about dad he grew quiet.
"Nick, I've been thinking about your book tour," he finally said.
"Me, too."
"You're still going to do it, right?"
"I doubt it," I said. "How can I?"
"You've got to go," he said, growing serious.
"It seems wrong--"
"Dad was proud that you wrote the book," he said, cutting me off. "He'd be the first to insist that you've got to go. He knows how important the tour is. It's your first book. It might be the only chance you get."
"But . . . I don't know if I can."
"You can, Nick. And you will. I know you loved dad, and he knows you loved him. He loved you, too. But you've got your own family to consider, too. Mom and dad would want you to go."
After hanging up the phone, I thought about what he had said. He was, I thought, both right and wrong. I understood his point, but at the same time, it felt . . . callous. It was like trying to choose between my dreams for the future and respect for my father. If I stayed home, would I ever get another chance? And did that matter?
But if I decided to go, what then? If someone asked if I was enjoying the tour, or excited about what was happening to me, what on earth was I supposed to say?
There was no easy answer to that question.
I talked it over with Cat, with Dana, with Micah again, and with my relatives. I talked to my agent, publicist, and editor--all of whom said that I could cancel the tour if I felt I needed to. In the end, I reluctantly decided to go. The guilt I felt inside, however, was enormous. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was disrespectful to my dad's memory.
Andrew Cohen, the producer, called soon after. In shock, he offered sincere condolences, and I asked him not to air the footage that concerned my dad's death. We both knew the show would garner higher ratings were it to air--the current state of television bears that out--but Andrew didn't hesitate, saying he'd bury the footage. Despite my anguish over the loss of my dad, I was reminded once again of the goodness of people.
I flew to California with my stomach in knots, and somehow made it to the dinner. I remember nothing about the evening except for a feeling of disembodiment, as if I were watching what was happening through someone else's eyes. People asked about the new book and I answered on autopilot, saying all the things I was supposed to say. But as I spoke, all I could think about was my dad, how wrong this felt, and how much I longed to see my siblings.
After the dinner, I spent the following week in Sacramento with my brother and sister. Micah and I stayed at the house, which suddenly seemed to be nothing but a shell. At the same time, nothing seemed to have changed at all. There was a coffee cup on the kitchen counter, and fresh milk in the refrigerator. Mail continued to arrive; there was a stack on the table that Micah had already brought in. The grass had just been mowed. It was easy to imagine that my dad would be driving up any minute, or even that my mom was cooking in the kitchen. The memories of both of them were vivid, and as Micah and I moved from room to room, we could think of nothing to say.
I was exhausted. My mom. My sister. My dad. My son. Too many worries in too short a time. Micah had the same worn expression I did.
We made arrangements for the funeral. Relatives began flying in. Everyone was in shock, and my uncle Monty couldn't stop crying. Nor could we.
My dad was buried next to my mom, and the same people who'd gathered together seven years earlier came to the funeral. My uncle Jack spoke at my dad's grave and offered the sweetest eulogy I'd ever heard. The estrangement had wounded most of our relatives, but they loved him nonetheless. At the graveside, Cat and I held hands, as did Bob and Dana, and Micah and Christine.
This is what I thought when I was at the funeral:
My dad was a good man. A kind man. But my mom's death had wounded him, and my sister's illness had wounded him again. He spent the last seven years of his life struggling with sadness, in a world he no longer recognized. Yes, he'd been angry at times, even bitter. But he was my dad and he'd helped raise us. And I not only respected him for that, but loved him for what he did. He'd fostered independence, showed us the value of education, and taught us to be curious about the world. Even more important, he'd helped the three of us become close as siblings, which I consider to be the greatest gift of all. I could have asked for nothing more in a father. And really, who could?
Later, Micah, Dana, and I stood alone in front of the casket, our arms around one another, saying good-bye one last time. We missed him already. With the sun coming down hard, we were together and alone at exactly the same time, as orphaned siblings always are.
After the funeral, Cat and I stayed on in California for a couple of days. Miles was old enough to understand what had happened; Ryan still seemed to understand nothing at all.
Over the year, Cat and I had begun to close ranks when it came to Ryan's condition. Only she and I, we believed, fully understood how challenging the year had been, and in those early years of struggle, we divided people into two groups: good and bad. Those who were kind to Ryan, and those who ignored him.
We were under no illusions that he was like other children. He didn't laugh much, he didn't look at people when they spoke, nor did he understand what they said to him. Yet, we wanted nothing more than for Ryan to be accepted for who he was.
He was a sweet kid. A kind child. And with patience and effort, Ryan could be fun to play with. But no one, besides Cat or myself, ever made the effort. Unlike Miles, Ryan had no friends; unlike Miles, none of our neighbors' kids ever wanted to play with him. Unlike Miles, Ryan was never invited to birthday parties. Unlike Miles, no one ever tried to talk to him. And adults, sadly, were no different. More often than not, they simply ignored him, or worse, took his lack of interaction personally. "He doesn't like me," neighbors said to us. Even relatives seemed to ignore him during the course of the week--adding more stress to an already stressful week--and Cat and I would have to bite our tongues to keep from screaming, "You've got to try!"
What we really meant was, Please, someone try. Anyone. We love him so much, and you have no idea how frightened we are for him.
We kept this to ourselves while we divided the world into groups. We'd been handling Ryan's problems on our own, an
d we'd continue to do so. We didn't want people to pity Ryan, or pity us; we wanted them to love Ryan as much as we did. Even if something was wrong with him.
Two days after the funeral, Cat and I went out to pick up groceries. Micah had offered to stay with Miles and Ryan, and when we left, Micah was slogging through paperwork in my dad's office. When we got back to the house, however, Micah was no longer at the desk.
Instead, Micah was wrestling gently with Ryan in the living room, and more than that, Ryan was laughing.
Laughing.