"Yeah," he said. "Like Brian."
She reached for his hand, and after a moment, he let her take it. "I'm glad," she said.
"I'm not. Part of me wishes that I would have. At least then I'd know that I'd done something."
"You did do something."
Miles squeezed her hand before letting go. "I did it for me, too. And for Jonah. It was time to let it go. I'd already lost two years of my life, and I couldn't see the point in prolonging it anymore. Once I realized that...I don't know ... it just seemed like it was the only thing I could do. No matter what happened to Brian, Missy wasn't coming back."
He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes, and neither one of them said anything for a while. The stars were out in full glory above them, and Miles found his eyes traveling to Polaris, the North Star.
"I'm going to need some time," he said softly.
She nodded, knowing he was talking about them, now. "I know."
"I can't tell you how long it'll be, either."
Sarah glanced toward him. "Do you want me to wait?"
It took a long moment for him to answer.
"I can't make any promises, Sarah. About us, I mean. It's not that I don't love you anymore, because I do. I've spent the last couple of days agonizing over that fact. You're the best thing that's happened to me since Missy died. Hell, you're the only good thing that happened. For Jonah, too. He asked why you haven't been over lately, and I know he misses you. But no matter how much I want that to go on, part of me just can't imagine it. It's not as if I can forget what happened. And you're his sister."
Sarah's lips tightened. She said nothing.
"I don't know if I can live with that, even though you had nothing to do with it, because being with you means that in a way, I have to be with him, too. He's your family and...I'm not ready for that. I wouldn't be able to handle that. And I don't know whether I'll ever be ready."
"We could move away," she suggested. "We could try to start over."
He shook his head. "No matter how far I go, this will follow. You know that...."
He trailed off, then looked at her. "I don't know what to do."
She smiled sadly. "Neither do I," she admitted.
"I'm sorry."
"So am I."
After a moment, Miles moved closer and put his arms around her. He kissed her gently, then held her for a long time, burying his face in her hair.
"I do love you, Sarah," he whispered.
She forced aside the lump in her throat and leaned into him, feeling his body close to hers and wondering whether this would be the last time he held her like this.
"I love you, too, Miles."
After he let her go, Sarah stepped back, trying to stop the tears. Miles stood without moving, and Sarah reached for her keys in the pocket of her jacket. She heard the jingle as she pulled them out. She couldn't form the words to say goodbye, knowing that this time, it might be forever.
"I'll let you get back to Jonah," she said.
In the soft glow of the porch light, she thought she saw tears in his eyes as well.
Sarah swiped at her tears. "I bought a Christmas gift for Jonah. Would it be all right to bring it by?"
Miles glanced away. "We might not be here. I was thinking of heading up to Nags Head next week. Charlie's got a place up there and he said I could use it. I just need to get away for a while, you know?"
She nodded. "I'll be around if you want to reach me by phone."
"Okay," he murmured.
No promises, she thought.
She took a step backward, feeling empty, wishing for something to say that would change everything. With a tight smile, she turned and went to the car, doing her best to keep control. Her hands trembled slightly as she opened the door, and she looked back at him. He hadn't moved; his mouth was set in a straight line.
She slid behind the wheel.
As Miles watched her, he wanted to call out her name, to ask her to stay, to tell her that he would find some way to make this work between them. That he loved her now and always would.
But he didn't.
Sarah turned the key and the engine hummed to life. Miles moved toward the stairs and her heart surged, but she realized he was moving toward the door. He wasn't going to stop her. She put the car in reverse and started to back out.
His face was shadowed now, growing smaller as the car rolled backward. She could feel her cheeks getting wet.
As he opened the door, Sarah had the sinking realization that this would be her last image of him. She couldn't stay in New Bern the way things were. Seeing Miles around town would be too hard; she'd have to find another job. Somewhere she could start over.
Again.
On the road, she accelerated slowly into the darkness, willing herself not to look back.
I'll be fine, she told herself. No matter what happens, I'll make it, just as I made it before. With or without Miles, I can do that.
No, you can't, a voice inside her cried suddenly.
She broke down then, the tears coming hard, and she pulled to the side of the road. As the car idled and steam began to cloud the windows, Sarah cried as she'd never cried before.
Chapter 37
Where were you?" Jonah asked. "I looked around, but I couldn't find you."
Sarah had left half an hour earlier, but Miles had stayed on the porch. He'd just stepped inside when Jonah spotted him and came to a halt. Miles motioned over his shoulder.
"I was on the porch."
"What were you doing out there?"
"Sarah came by."
Jonah's face brightened. "She did? Where is she?"
"No, she isn't here. She couldn't stay."
"Oh . . ." Jonah looked up at his father. "Okay," he said, not hiding his disappointment. "I just wanted to show her the Lego tower that I built."
Miles went to his side and squatted until he was eye level with Jonah. "You can show me."
"You've already seen it."
"I know. But you can show me again."
"You don't have to. I wanted Miss Andrews to see it."
"Well, I'm sorry about that. Maybe you can bring it to school tomorrow and show her then."
Jonah shrugged. "That's okay."
&
nbsp; Miles looked at him closely. "What's wrong, champ?"
"Nothing."
"Are you sure?"
Jonah didn't answer right away. "I guess I just miss her, that's all."
"Who? Miss Andrews?"
"Yeah."
"But you see her in school every day."
"I know. But it's not the same."
"As when she's here, you mean?"
He nodded, looking lost. "Did you guys have a fight?"
"No."
"But you're not friends anymore."
"Of course we are. We're still friends."
"Then why doesn't she come over anymore?"
Miles cleared his throat. "Well, things are kind of complicated right now. When you're a grown-up, you'll understand."
"Oh," he said. He seemed to think about that. "I don't want to be a grown-up," he finally declared.
"Why not?"
"Because," he said, "grown-ups always say that things are complicated."
"Sometimes they are."
"Do you still like Miss Andrews?"
"Yeah," he said, "I do."
"Does she like you?"
"I think so."
"Then what's so complicated?" His eyes were pleading, and Miles knew then with certainty that Jonah not only missed Sarah, he loved her as well.
"Come here," he said, drawing Jonah close, not knowing what else to do.
Two days later, Charlie pulled up in front of Miles's house as he was loading a few things into the car.
"Taking off already?"
Miles turned. "Oh ... hey, Charlie. I figured it'd be better if we got going a little early. I don't want to be stuck in traffic."
He closed the trunk and stood. "Thanks again for letting us use your place out there."
"No problem. You need a hand?"
"No. I'm just about done."
"How long you gonna stay?"
"I don't know. Maybe a couple of weeks, until just after the New Year. You sure it's okay?"
"Don't worry about it--you've got enough vacation time to spend a month up there."
Miles shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe I will."
Charlie cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, by the way, I came by to let you know that Harvey isn't going to press charges. Seems that Otis told him to drop it. So, officially, your suspension is over and you'll be able to work again when you get back."
"Good."
Jonah came bursting out the door, and both of them turned at the sound. Jonah called hello to Charlie, then turned around and ran back inside as if he'd forgotten something.