God, I couldn’t believe it had been an entire year since Rachel died. Sometimes it felt like yesterday that I’d gotten that first phone call from Sage’s school. Other times it felt as if I’d always had this hole in my chest where my best friend used to be.
The back door opened just as I reached it, almost smacking me in the face.
“Oh, hey. You’re here,” Shane said distractedly as he ushered Keller inside.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Go to the bathroom, bud,” he ordered, giving Kell a little push before meeting my eyes. “Ellie’s here. I figured you’d take a couple of days off.”
“Since when did hanging out with the kids become my job?” I asked flatly as Keller tapped me on my hip in hello on his way by me.
I hated it when Shane acted like I was the freaking nanny. I wasn’t the nanny. I was family, and the closest thing to a mother that those kids had left.
“You’re here every fucking day, Kate. I just thought you’d want a day to yourself.”
I clenched my fingers tighter around Gunner’s present, ignoring the way the bag crinkled in protest. “It’s Gunner’s birthday—”
“I know what fucking day it is,” he interrupted, moving past me to grab a beer out of the fridge.
“What the hell is your deal?”
“No deal.”
“Look,” I began, softening my voice, “I know today is hard—”
“Don’t finish that sentence.”
“Shane—”
“You have no fucking clue. None. Say one more word and I’ll kick your ass out of my house.”
This confrontation had been brewing. I’d felt it almost like an electric current in the air as the anniversary grew closer, but I couldn’t have imagined that he’d start it in the middle of his son’s birthday party.
“She was my best friend.”
“She wasn’t your wife,” he replied stubbornly.
I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to throw Gunner’s gift at his head. I wanted to tell him that I’d spent more time with Rachel in the last nine years than he had, because, while he was off playing GI Joe, I was the one who was holding her ass together.
But I didn’t do any of those things because what would it help? He had a distorted memory of both his wife and the relationship he’d had with her, and now that she was gone, it wouldn’t do anyone any good to tell him just how wrong he was.
I turned to move outside but only got a few steps.
“Party ends at three,” he called out to me.
“What?”
“Party’s over at three.”
He wasn’t looking at me, but his insinuation was clear.
I wasn’t welcome at the house after the party was over.
* * *
“Auntie Kate!” Gavin yelled as he slid down the small slide into their plastic pool in the backyard.
“Hi, baby!” I called back, setting the gift I was holding on the table. “Having fun?”
“Swimming!” he yelled, splashing his arms down hard into the water.
“I see that.”
“Hi, Auntie Kate,” Sage murmured, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“Sage the Rage. Looking good, toots.”
“I missed you,” she said quietly, squeezing me tighter.
“You saw me the day before yesterday, you crazy girl,” I argued, bending at the knees so I could lift her into my arms. “And your grandma came all the way from Oregon to hang with you guys.”
“I don’t want Grandma. I want you,” she replied stubbornly.
“Well, you got me.” I walked toward the bench where my aunt Ellie was sitting and plopped down next to her.
I looked around the yard and realized that there was no one else there. Keller ran out and jumped into the pool next to Gavin with a splash, but other than our family, the yard was empty. “Where’s all the other kids?”
“Shane just wanted something small,” Aunt Ellie murmured. “Gunner fell asleep about twenty minutes ago, so we’re just going to wait until he wakes up to do cake and presents.”
“What? Why is he asleep at noon? He doesn’t have an afternoon nap until two.” I scooted to the edge of my seat so I could stand up, but the weight of Sage’s suddenly sleeping form and Aunt Ellie’s hand on my arm stopped me.
“He’s okay, sis,” she assured me quietly, her eyes filled with understanding. “They had a hard day yesterday, and Shane didn’t get a single one of them to sleep before midnight. It just messed up their schedules is all.” She nodded at a sleeping Sage, and I sagged backward into the seat.
“I should have come over yesterday,” I murmured, rubbing my hand softly over Sage’s back. She was too old for me to carry around, and almost too big, but I didn’t have the heart to stop doing it. She needed me.
“You deserve a day off.”
“I don’t want any days off,” I snapped back, frustrated.
To the outside world, I was sure my relationship to the kids looked pretty odd. I wasn’t their mother. I wasn’t even legally related to them. But I’d been picking up the slack for Rachel and Shane for so long that I’d stepped in after Rachel died without thinking.