“A split second?” he asked incredulously, bracing his hands on his hips.
“Oh, hey,” I said derisively. “I think I want to play daddy today. That sounds fun. Maybe tomorrow I can be a fireman, and the day after that I’ll be an astronaut.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he growled, glaring at me.
“Well, thanks for stopping by,” I said cheerfully, moving to walk around him to the front door.
“A split second,” he said as I reached him, gripping my arm to stop me. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
I felt my little black heart curl into itself at his words.
“But it wasn’t a split second today,” he said quietly, “It was a month ago.”
“Oh, give me a fucking break,” I groaned, pulling at my arm. “I’m not doing this with you.”
“You’re such a fucking bitch sometimes,” he said in exasperation, letting go of my arm but not letting me pass him.
“I accept that,” I agreed with a nod.
“Knock it off, Anita.”
“All right.” I dropped all expression on my face and stood still, waiting for him to finish what he wanted to say.
I just wanted to get the entire thing over with. It was pointless.
“I want to be her dad,” he said seriously, pointing toward Arielle’s room. “I want to be your man and her dad. That clear enough for you?”
I didn’t let him see the way his words affected me. It was what I’d been waiting for, wasn’t it? I’d kept going, putting our relationship behind me even though it had been damn near impossible, but in the back of my mind a small kernel of hope had flickered. I’d just never imagined that it would actually happen.
“You can’t just decide all of a sudden after thirty-three years of never wanting kids that you want to be a family man,” I said flatly, refusing to even consider it. “You’re full of shit. What, going through a dry spell? Fine—strip. Arielle’s asleep for at least an hour. We’ve got time.”
Bram’s chest heaved as he stared at me in disbelief. “You think I haven’t thought this through?” he ground out.
“I think you’re lonely and upset about Henry, and I’m a safe option,” I answered honestly, the words tasting like gravel in my mouth.
“You know what, Anita?” he asked, shaking his head. “You’re going to believe whatever the fuck you want to believe—”
“Very true,” I cut in.
“But you’re fucking deluding yourself if you think that I haven’t been Arielle’s daddy since the minute you handed her to me in the hospital.”
“I know you love her, Bram,” I said, lowering my voice in response to his rising one. “You love all the kids.”
“Aw, fuck you,” he sneered, making me jerk back in surprise. “You’re so fucking blind.”
* * *
“Her bottles and formula are in one side of her diaper bag, and the diapers and wipes are on the other,” I told Liz on my first day back to work. We were standing in the middle of her kitchen while I held Arielle to my chest, dreading the moment that I’d have to hand her over. “She’s got two extra pairs of clothes in there too. She didn’t have a rash this morning, but sometimes it flares up out of nowhere so I put her diaper cream in the side pocket just in case. She usually naps around nine, but if she doesn’t fall asleep until later that’s fine too, but there’s always at least two naps during the day, if she doesn’t fall asleep then—”
“Take a deep breath, Ani,” Liz interrupted with a laugh. “I’ve got the basics down.”
I opened my mouth to argue, then shut it again.
“But since all babies are different, I’ll call you at the office if I have any questions, okay?”
“Okay,” I answered with a nod.
It was probably time for me to go. I needed to get to my office and start fixing all the things that I knew the temporary office manager had done wrong, but I really, really didn’t want to leave Arielle.
“She’ll be fine, I promise,” Liz said. “You brought over half your house so she’ll have plenty to do.”
She was right. I had. I’d loaded Arielle’s swing, bassinet, and bouncy seat into the back of my SUV and brought it with us to Liz’s. It had made sense at the time, but now it felt a little like overkill. Hell, we’d been over at Liz and Mike’s constantly after we found out about Henry, and Arielle hadn’t needed any of her stuff then.
I tilted my head down and gave Arielle a soft kiss on her forehead, running my lips against the smooth skin there. Then, before I could change my mind, I handed her over to Liz.
“Send me pictures and updates?” I asked as I pulled on my coat.
“Absolutely,” Liz assured me. “We don’t have anything going on today so Arielle and I will just be puttering around the house.”