Craving Lily (The Aces' Sons 4)

“You’re full of shit,” Casper said dryly, lifting his chin at me.

“How you doin’?” I asked after I’d cleared my throat. The guy had IVs and tubes coming out from all angles under his blankets, and his skin was pale as hell.

“Pissin’ in a bag, but they’ve got me on the good shit, so there’s that,” he answered.

“I’m gonna go get some coffee,” Farrah said, passing me. “I’ll be back later.”

“Why don’t you go home and take a fuckin’ nap instead?” Casper called as she pulled the door closed behind her without responding.

Then it was just me and him, and I had no idea what to say.

“How you really doin’?” he asked as I stepped further into the room.

“Who the fuck knows?” I replied honestly, leaning against the wall.

“Not hittin’ yet?”

“Not really. Gotta pick Gray up in a bit, figure it’ll be worse then.”

“Probably right,” he said quietly, looking down at his lap.

“I—”

“So—”

We both spoke at the same time, so I snapped my mouth shut, gesturing at him to go first.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, son,” Casper said gruffly, shaking his head. “He came outta nowhere, and there was nothin’ I could do. They took my blood when they picked me up, it’s got no alcohol in it, you’ll see.”

“Didn’t think that,” I said quickly, raising my hand to try and stop his words.

“I thought I was doin’ the right thing—takin’ her home—I thought I’d get her outta there before you two said somethin’ you’d regret.”

“Shouldn’t have been fightin’ anyway,” I replied, my stomach twisting at the memory. “It was about stupid shit that wouldn’t have even come up if we hadn’t been drinkin’.”

“It happens,” Casper said gently. “Can’t tell you the amount of times me and Farrah have gone at it about the smallest shit you can imagine because we were toasted. That’s life, kid. You fight and you make up, and you do the best you can.”

I nodded, my throat tight.

“She wasn’t in any pain,” he said softly, his words like a knife in my chest. I put my hand over my face to block it out, but I could still hear him. “It was over in a second and she didn’t have any idea. I swear to ya. She was gone before the car stopped spinnin’.”

A sob worked up my throat, but I held it back with sheer will. Nodding so that he knew I’d heard him, I slid to my ass, my knees almost smacking my chin as I landed.

“Not sure how I’m gonna explain it to Gray,” I whispered, scrubbing my hands over my face. “Not sure how I’m gonna do any of it.”

“Small blessing,” Casper replied. “He’s so young that this is gonna be a blip on his radar.”

“Not sure if that’s a blessing.”

“It is, son. I promise you that. Hate the fact that he’s not gonna know her, hate it. But Christ, it would be so much worse for him if he was any older. The same for you, but worse for him.”

I nodded my understanding, even though I couldn’t imagine how any of it could be any worse. My son was going to grow up without a mother. There was no way to see that as any kind of blessing.

“When they’re little,” Casper continued as I let my head fall forward between my knees. “You worry that they’ll fall. Constantly watch them to make sure they’re not puttin’ shit in their mouth or touchin’ somethin’ that could hurt ’em. Once they’re older, though, it get’s harder. You gotta worry about other kinds of wounds, the kind that don’t leave marks, but stick around a lot longer.”

“Kid’s fucked with me as a parent,” I mumbled.

“Nah, you’ll do alright. Every dad thinks that shit, probably every mom, too. No one thinks they’re gonna do everything right, and if someone told ya otherwise, they were lyin’. We’re all just makin’ shit up on the fly, takin’ it as it comes and regrettin’ half the shit we do.”

“You sure she didn’t know—” I started to ask again, my mind unable to move past the thought of Ashley scared out of her mind and wondering what the fuck had just happened.

“I’m sure, bud,” Casper said, his voice echoing a little as he laid his head back to stare at the ceiling. “She was pretty much passed out by the time we went through the gate. By the time that guy hit us, she was completely asleep. Didn’t even see the headlights of his truck.”

“You were pretty fucked up, though,” I argued. “After, I mean.”

“Didn’t lose consciousness until I was on my way to the hospital,” Casper reassured me, his words coming out choked. “I was awake for all of it, and she wasn’t. Not for a second. She fell asleep and she didn’t wake up.”

“Okay,” I said, letting that information seep into my pores. “Okay.”