“I don’t... I didn’t...”
“You didn’t imagine it was that, did you? Because you’re so...lucky to have been given what you were given. And I have spoiled it now. I shouldn’t have tried to make you understand. I should not have forced this on you.”
A flash went before his mind. A girl crying. Her dress torn. A piece of fabric in his hand. Proof he had done it. That her tears were his fault. That her fear was because of him. And clarity from the haze of drugs his father had given him, just enough clarity, to look up and into the mirror that hung on the wall in the bedroom and see the monster. And recognize that it was him.
“I asked.”
“Cover yourself,” he said, his voice rough.
“Why?”
“Because I...I can’t think with you standing there like that.” With his past bleeding into his present. The darkness covering all the beautiful light Leah had given him last night.
“Maybe you don’t need to think.”
She took a step toward him and he reached out and grabbed her wrist. “Did you hear nothing of what I just told you? Of who I am?”
“The son of a violent horrible criminal. And maybe if I hadn’t known you for most of my life, maybe it would affect me. But I have seen your actions, Ajax, for years. I watched you work your way from the doing grounds work, to being an assistant to my father. Then, a trusted advisor before you were eighteen. I saw how my father believed in you, sent you to school, brought you on as an intern at Holt. I saw his faith in you, and I saw you never disappoint that faith. And my sister...you never laid a hand on her. Never hurt her. You wanted to honor her with marriage vows. And me. A silly kid who followed you around and talked about candy...you listened to me. No, Ajax, when I look at you I don’t see a monster.”
“You’ve never seen me without my plan. My control.”
“Sure I have. Our wedding day.”
She leaned in, her lips brushing his, and he leaned back. “Not now.” He could tell her. He could tell her what it looked like when he really lost control. Or he could show her.
He was tempted. To lay her down in the sand and claim her, hard, fast, taking and satisfying the never-ending hunger in him. To try to fill the blackness with her light.
But he would not. Because if he let it go, even for a moment, with her, he might never get it back. Might never be able to subdue it, subdue himself, again.
“Don’t,” he bit out.
“Why?”
For one moment, his mind was moving too fast, his blood flowing too hot to formulate an answer. And then she reached out and put her palm flat on his chest, the heat and fire that assaulted him nearly too much to endure.
And he was pulling her against him, breasts crushed against his chest, his mouth crushed against hers. And he needed. Blind need, deeper, more all-consuming than anything had ever been.
Like the craving for a drug. Altering, impossible to resist. It pushed him to the edge, held him there, threatening to send him over. Into the abyss. He wanted to jump. Wanted to follow this desire straight to hell and drag her with him if he had to, so long as he could get what he needed.
So long as he could get his fix.
He pulled back, his chest rising and falling with each harsh breath. He started to speak but he couldn’t form any words. So he just turned and left her there, on the beach, in nothing but her bikini bottoms.
And for the first time in his memory, he had no plan.
CHAPTER TEN
AJAX SAT AT the foot of the bed, a scarf stretched between his fists. He’d been thinking, all afternoon and until the sun went down, about what he would do with Leah. What he could do with her. She was his wife—there was no getting around that. A wife he’d promised to make a marriage with...but when she touched him it all went blank.
He couldn’t see the path up ahead anymore. All he could see was those whiskey-colored eyes. Eyes that had tested him years ago. Had enticed him into something he hadn’t identified. Something he’d forced himself to turn away from. And now, he was bewitched by them again. And couldn’t hold on to his control. He could only see her.
The problems really started when she touched him. It had to stop.
If he could just keep some of the control. If he could take the variables away and have all the power. All the power and Leah’s naked body, spread out before him. To take pleasure in, to give pleasure to.
One time with her and he was on his way to obsession.