“My leaving had nothing to do with you.”
“No, as you said, you never thought of me again.”
“I did. I thought of you after. It’s true that when I ran, I only thought of me, and I am sorry for that. But later, I thought of you. I couldn’t have been a husband to you, not under those circumstances.”
She took a bite of the rice and the rich flavor knocked out some of her anger. She did not eat food like this at the convent. Even considering the unfortunate nature of the conversation, the food was amazing. As was the wine.
She let silence fall between them while she enjoyed her meal. She made a mistake when she looked up, and her eyes caught his. And she couldn’t look away. Everything in her went taut, her breath pausing, her heart slamming forward. All she could do was stare at him.
He was so familiar. A face she tried never to remember. That perfect golden skin, the dark brown eyes fringed with thick black lashes. Lips that promised heaven when he smiled, and made a woman imagine he could take her to a beautiful sort of hell with a kiss.
All of that was so familiar.
But the lines around his mouth were harder now. Marks by his eyes showed the ghosts of his smiles.
He had been beautiful at twenty-one. At thirty-six he was no less stunning.
Time had not been quite so kind to her. And anyway, she had absolutely no business looking at him like she was. No business memorizing the new lines on his face. It was like she’d been in a coma, and she was slowly waking up. Slowly seeing new things. Or, remembering old things. She didn’t like it. She was starting to remember why she’d worked so hard to forget.
“I wasn’t meant to be your wife,” she said, looking back at her food.
“You don’t think?”
“Clearly not. I found a new calling. The place I’m supposed to be.”
“You think you’re better off hiding in the mountains than you are as the queen of Kyonos?”
She’d always thought she would be a good queen. But with a girl’s insight. She’d loved the idea of the status and power. That everyone else was so jealous of her for having caught Xander’s eye, or, more honestly, the eye of his parents.
Now she understood it had been her father’s merit more than her own that had earned her the consideration. At the time it hadn’t mattered. She’d only thought how beautiful she would look wearing the crown.
But now, ironically, that the position was no longer on the table, she saw all the good she could do. All that needed to be done to fix her country.
Prince Stavros had done an admirable job with it, more than admirable, but there were still things to be done on a humanitarian level, and as someone who had done nothing but serve for the past ten years she was well familiar with what tasks needed to be tackled head-on.
Nice that she knew all that. Now that there was nothing she could do about it. That would be for the woman who married Xander. And that woman would not be her.
A twinge of anger hit her in the chest, burned like a pinprick and spread outward. This had been her future. And she was sitting in it now, not a part of it.
She looked back up and saw him watching her, and it hit her then. What she’d lost. They would have been married for nearly fifteen years by now. There would have been children. She wouldn’t be scarred.
It did no good to dwell on the past. It did no good to turn over what-ifs. But it was so hard when your biggest what-if was sitting across from you eating dinner, like he might have done if you’d married him way back then.
Yes, it was a whole lot harder not to what-if in that situation. Easier when cloistered in a convent, away from any part of the life she’d once lived. Impossible here and now.
“I wasn’t meant to be queen,” she said, her tone strong, a sharp contrast to what she actually felt.
“Perhaps I wasn’t meant to leave.” His words burned through her. Because he had left. It didn’t matter what should have happened, only what had.
“Why bother turning it over, Xander? It’s what happened. You did leave. And things have changed. We didn’t freeze in time here while you were gone like I’m sure you imagined we did. We went on. Things have happened, things that can’t be undone. I would have been...a silly and selfish princess back then anyway. And now...now it just couldn’t be.”
“It’s hard not to turn it over here, though, isn’t it?”
She put her palms flat on the table, her heart pounding, blood rushing through her ears. “Why did you come back? Really. I mean...what changed? You left, and no one ever thought you would be back, but here you are now, and you’re dragging me into it, so I want to know why.”
He shook his head, didn’t say anything. He only stared out the windows into the darkness outside.