And I wasn’t alone.
I knew I wasn’t alone because I had Ana, but there was a whole community before me that told me I wasn’t alone and that it wasn’t something to feel so disgusted about. Some sites were more extreme than others, but in our searches, Ana and I learned so much. We found keywords to help us understand each other and ourselves better. However, my relief only stretched so far. When we discovered the words to describe our interests, the definition for sadism sparked a fear in me.
Sadism: the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual satisfaction, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.
I’d stared at the words until they blurred. One simple definition to explain me, yet I wanted to look at it and scream ‘No!’ that wasn’t me. I would never hurt anyone. But then I looked over at Ana to see the red mark left behind on her chest from my teeth, and felt the twitch of my dick in my pants at the memory of her cry, and I knew it was true.
The vice that had been released, slapped back on tighter than before, and if it hadn’t been for Ana there calming me, I would’ve had a panic attack right then and there. She’d repeated her usual words, reminding me of who I was as a human and that all of me wasn’t defined by my pleasure. She threw the fact that she was a masochist back at me, and said that if anyone tried to hurt her outside of her consent, she would fucking murder them. The fire in her eyes had made me laugh and eased my conscience, if only a little.
Ana’s approaching footsteps drew me back to the screen before me. I knew she was at my door, but I didn’t turn to greet her or say anything, just sat there and watched the scene playing out.
“Is that what you want?” she asked quietly. But it was in the quiet that I heard the excitement, the hope that it was.
Not answering, I opened my arm and beckoned her to sit on my lap. Once she’d settled, I leaned in and dragged my nose up her neck to bite at her jaw, then sat back to watch with her. The screen showed a woman, naked and on her knees, with a belt around her neck. The man used it as a leash to hold on to as he fucked her from behind.
“You missed the part where she sucked him off as she prodded his asshole,” I whispered in her ear, watching goose bumps spread down her neck. She didn’t answer, just swallowed hard and kept her eyes glued to the couple. Loving the way she struggled to control her breathing with long deep inhales and exhales, I decided to see if I could break her fight for control.
I slipped my hand under her skirt and trailed the calluses of my fingers up her firm thigh. She didn’t change her breathing, but she did tighten her legs together, and I had to fight a chuckle at her efforts. Digging my pointer finger into the soft tissue, I heard her first break in regulating her breaths and pried her legs apart, continuing my journey.
When I reached the wet heat soaking through her panties, I flicked my finger across her clit, making her jerk on my lap. I rubbed harder and harder as the woman’s cries filled the room and Ana’s breaths sawed in and out of her parted lips. She was close to coming, but I wasn’t ready for her to finish.
“Get up,” I ordered. She stood before me with her hands clenched in front of her and I took in her beauty. The beauty of her trust in me, the beauty that she would stand before me and give me everything I’d ever wanted. She humbled me, allowed me a freedom I didn’t think existed. It was in those moments I questioned myself, if I was doing the right thing, if I was going too far. But looking up into her eyes filled with a heated fire begging me to release, I knew I could trust her in return. “Strip.”
Ana bit her lip and moved to take off her yellow t-shirt to reveal the white lace bra beneath that hinted at her pale nipples. Next, she stripped her skirt off and I groaned at the simple white cotton panties with a wet spot I’d helped put there. She tossed them aside and quickly removed her bra and underwear with a hesitance I was almost embarrassed to admit turned me on.
“All of that glorious, soft skin is my property.” She nodded quickly but didn’t say anything. Swallowing, I started the scenario we had decided on, hoping it was everything we wanted. “Bend over and touch your toes. I want to take a good look at what I own.”