“What kind of house do you want?” I was lying on my back with my hand under my head. Her head lay on my bicep.
“I don’t care.” She turned to her side. “As long as you’re there, and there is a hammock in our yard, we can be anywhere.”
She got her house without me, and she got her hammock. I wonder if Drew lives here with her. Fuck, my stomach sinks at the thought. I don’t have a right to care. I don’t have a right to question her. I lost the right when I left her behind. I walk back to Casey’s house even though my heart is pulling me to go back to Emily and get her to talk to me. At least get her to listen to my reason for leaving. I’m almost at the house when I see a horse in the distance, and I would know that horse anywhere. Just looking at her fills my heart as I see Casey riding toward me.
“There you are,” he says when he gets close enough. “Was wondering where you went.”
Approaching the horse, I reach out my hand. “Hey there, girl,” I say, and she backs away from me. “Jesus, even my horse is mad at me.”
“Your horse is the least of your issues,” Casey says, getting off the horse and handing me the reins as we walk back to his house. “Where did you go?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” I don’t tell him that the nightmares still wake me up, that sometimes I wake up screaming from the pain I endured. I couldn’t sleep because I kept seeing Emily in front of me, but every time I would get close to her, she would explode in my mind. I don’t tell him anything, but I was awake most of the night.
“Took a walk and ended up back at my old house.” His eyes go wide. “Yeah, Emily was outside having coffee.”
“Shit,” Casey says. He takes his phone out and begins to type.
“Why?” I ask, and he looks up from his phone. “Why is she living there?”
“I’m not going to sugarcoat shit for you,” he says. “She didn’t do well when you left, and she talked your mother into selling her the house. She wanted to have your home ready for you when you got back.” My heart stops in my chest and then sinks to my stomach only to fly back up to my throat. “Your mother didn’t want to. At first, she just wanted to give it to her. It was going to be yours anyway when you got married. That’s why she kept it.”
“She lived in my house.” I repeat the words again. “She lived there, waiting for me.”
“She did,” Casey says. “We told her it wasn’t a good idea. Her parents tried to force her not to do it. She …” He looks down. “She wouldn’t listen to anyone. All she kept saying was she needed to make you a home, and you would come back.”
“I’ve been gone for five years,” I say. “She’s engaged.”
“She is,” he says, looking out into the distance and then looking back at me. “She deserves to be happy.” I want to tell him that she deserves to have a home. She deserves to have it filled with love and to have all the kids she wants. She deserves it all. “I don’t want to tell you what to do.”
“But you will.” I laugh.
“But I will.” He looks down. “Dad,” he says of Billy, “he had a heart attack a couple of months ago and is resting at home. Mom is hovering over him. If you have a chance, maybe you can go visit them.”
I look down. “I don’t know,” I say. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just …”
“You fucked up, Ethan,” he says, “but the good news is, we won’t hold it against you.”
“Are you sure about that? Chelsea looked like she wanted to shoot me, and well, Jac-” I can’t say his name. “Dad and Beau were there.”
“You cut them deep,” he says. “You said hurtful things after they spent their whole life trying to make sure you didn’t find out. Was it right? I don’t know, but it’s a decision that they made, and there must have been a reason.”
“They lied.” I try to say my side, and he holds up his hand.
“I’m not the person you need to have this conversation with,” he tells me. “I don’t know why you came back or how long you are staying, but …” He looks out into the field and then looks back at me. “But you need to find peace.” He shakes his head. “If not for you, then at least for them.”
I don’t say anything when he turns and walks away from me toward his blue truck that was dropped off there. “Fuck, what was I thinking?” I ask the horse who just stares at me. “I should have stayed gone.”