I swallowed coal and put it down with a shaking hand, not looking his way even though his stare was burning into the nape of my neck. I kept wandering around the edge of the room. Taking in his cluttered living room, motorcycle parts, beer bottles, and magazines swallowing the coffee table in front of his leather sofa. “It’s a terrible paradox,” I continued. “I’m old without the peace and wisdom that comes with age. I’m just jaded.” I regarded the mirror I’d wandered to. I didn’t have the lines of age, and my pale skin was in surprisingly good condition considering the fact I more often than not slept in my makeup, barely got any sleep, and shot poison into my veins. My jet-black hair was similarly healthy, shiny, and tumbling down to the faded ends I dip-dyed when I needed a splash of color in my gray world. It was my eyes. That’s what sold it. “Old, jaded, and hard,” I said to my reflection. “And I’m so terribly fucking young because I make decisions based on what’s directly in front of me. Don’t consider consequences. Or other people, for that matter.” My mind went to Lily, the way I’d started to drag her down into my downwards spiral before Asher yanked her out.
Gabriel had been silent for my whole monologue. So silent that, if it weren’t for the heat at my back from his stare, I would’ve thought I was talking to myself.
Which I kind of was.
I sighed. “You know, I used to think drugs gave me clarity. That I could see the world for what it truly was when I was high.” I laughed. “Yeah, I was that deluded. Now I’m clean.” I fiddled with the fireplace pokers. “Or at least trying to be. And I can see everything so much clearer than I ever have. I don’t exactly like it, but it’s me. So I’ve got to deal.”
Suddenly he whirled me around and clutched my neck roughly, his eyes alight.
“Know your secret babe.”
My heart dipped and acid crept up my throat. “My secret?” I repeated in a small voice, all traces of bravado gone like a plastic bag in the wind.
His hands circled my hips, pulling my body flush to his. He regarded me in a way that made me want to freeze the moment. I’d never had anyone look at me like that in my entire life. Like I was someone worth something. Worth the devotion that glittered in the backs of those eyes. “Yeah, firefly. The secret you keep to your chest.” His finger trailed my breastbone lightly. “Beneath all the hardness you put so much effort into building up. Beneath that hard beauty. There is the most beautiful and caring soul I’ve ever encountered.” Somehow the look in his eyes became more intense and I felt myself unable to tear my gaze away, as much as self-preservation screamed at me to.
“The hard, babe, it’s for the world out there. A world that was hell-bent on destroying you. I get that. In fact, I stand here utterly fucking shocked that I’m not holding the broken pieces of that beautiful woman I’ve been dreaming of since I laid my eyes on your sweet ass.” His eyes twinkled. “Somehow, by some miracle, you’re not broken. You’re whole. Beautiful. And soft. Most beautiful kind of soft ’cause the rest of the world gets hard. I get this.” He circled the area above my heart, sending a wave of heat to my toes. To the place I thought would be icy cold forever.
“I may hate that you’ve had to build that shield, babe, that life has made it necessary. Another part of me is glad as fuck it’s there ’cause without it I wouldn’t be holding you in my arms, wouldn’t be able to taste how sweet it is beneath that.” He paused his monologue to press a chaste kiss on my mouth. I yearned for more, for it to deepen, the fire in my belly burning brighter than ever.
He pulled back slightly, his nose still brushing mine, and I watched him as if his impossible words had hypnotized me. “Don’t worry, firefly. I’ll keep your secret. I just want you to know that you don’t need all that hard. To use up all that energy trying to shut out the world. That’s my job now. To protect that soft, all the while making sure no one knows about it ’cause then I won’t be able to do a damn thing all day but knock motherfuckers out who try and get my girl.” He gave me a look. “No motherfucker’s gonna get my girl. Therefore, I need to hide the evidence that, in addition to being a fuckin’ knockout with tits, ass, and legs, and a beautiful vocab to boot, you’re also soft and beautiful on the inside. That’s for me. Only me.” His hand moved to my neck to grip it firmly. “Also, I have other things I want to do with my days apart from knocking motherfuckers out. Though, it is good for the soul to punch a douche every now and again.” He jutted his chin up in false thought. “I can think of one thing I’d much rather spend my days doing. Making love to my girl.”