“You’re supposed to do that as a Dom. ”
“Yeah, but she almost never pushed back. Once, I brought in a Domme. Juliet did safe word out of that. So I took her to a dungeon to see what tripped her trigger. The only thing that seemed to catch her eye was Liam sceneing. When I approached him about Juliet, he was all over it. Hell, he was twenty-one, but he had a firm understanding of the power exchange. ”
“So he joined you?”
“For a night, at first. But I loved it. I thought she did, too. Knowing I could make a proper wife fuck another man did it for me. I thought she liked connecting with her inner bad girl, and they seemed to click, so I asked him to stay for good. By the time I found out it made her feel like a whore, it was too late. I mistook her silence for submission. ”
“You didn’t ask a ton of questions before you changed the relationship?”
Hammer hung his head. “Not enough. I was drunk on power and not a shining example of a Master. ”
“Wow. That’s not the man I know. I seriously can’t see you not forcing Juliet to communicate. You nearly talk subs to death. ”
“Oh, I tried to talk to Juliet, believe me. Every time I sat her down and told her I needed to know how she felt, she’d give me a placid smile, tell me she loved me, shower me with kisses, then usually give me a blow job. I bought into her acquiescence, thinking she was the perfect submissive. I should have dug harder, but she never gave me any reason to. But she taught me a valuable lesson. That’s why I harp on subs now about communication. ”
“Hammer, she didn’t give you anything to work with. You did the best you could with what you knew. After all, there were two people in that marriage. She made her choices. ”
He shrugged, but he couldn’t unload the boulder of guilt from his back. Instead, he took his glass from Beck and poured another shot. “But it was my job to take care of her, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I failed her in every way. ”
“What happened next?”
“After her death, I shut down. I was alone and miserable. I couldn’t stay in New York. Too many memories. Too much hurt. I didn’t know where to direct my rage, except toward Liam. I couldn’t pin it on Juliet. She was a victim of my desires and my ego. ”
“Wait a minute. She wasn’t a victim. She didn’t tell you how she felt and she didn’t give you a choice. She took the power. Weren’t you pissed at her for taking her own life?”
“Livid. I know that’s part of the death process, but I wondered if I’d ever really known her. I thought I loved her, but how could I love a stranger?”
“I’m not speaking ill of her, but it sounds like she was repressed, depressed, and just fucked up. ”
Hammer flubbed through a laugh. “Maybe. A little. ”
“Haven’t you beat yourself up enough yet? Are you sure you don’t have a little bit of a masochist in you?”
“You wish. ” With a shrug, Hammer stared down into the alcohol. “Good strategy. Wait until I’m drunk so I’ll talk. ”
“Hey, it worked. ”
“Prick. ”
“That’s Sir Prick. ” He snickered. “So neither you nor Liam had any hint that Juliet was unhappy or contemplating suicide? Or that she was pregnant?”
“Nope. That mistake cost me dearly. ”
“That explains why you dole out Raine’s medication. And why you’ve always kept track of her cycles. I had no idea it was that bad, man. I’m sorry. ”
Beck’s words were slathered in sympathy. Hammer didn’t need it. He just wanted the regret and shame eating him up inside to go away.
“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this crap around all these years. ” Beck looked as blown out of the water as Liam had earlier.
“Yep, until tonight when I puked up every ugly bit of it, right onto Liam. ” The memory of utter shock on his old friend’s face slid through Hammer’s veins like black, oily sludge.
Beck’s eyes grew wide as if suddenly struck with understanding. “Well, now I know why you won’t tell Raine you’re in love with her. All these years you’ve wanted to claim her, but…”
“I’m no good for her,” Hammer interrupted. “She deserves a better man and Master. ”
“Yeah? And everyone can see you’re doing so great without her,” Beck mocked.
“I never said that. ”
“So all the submissives you take to bed are what? Substitutes for Raine?”
Hammer leveled a look of warning toward Beck. “You’re stepping over a line. Watch yourself. ”
“No. I’m not going to candy-coat it for you, and deep down you don’t want me to. ”
True. “They’re not substitutes. They’re able to handle what I need. When I’m rough and strict, it silences the guilt screaming in my head.
“What about the night you spent with Raine. Guilt then?”
Hammer’s hand tightened around his glass. “She silenced it all. There was nothing but peace. ”
“So why don’t—”
“I don’t deserve to have it silenced. Don’t you understand? I failed Juliet. I’ll be damned if I fail Raine. ”
“You think Raine might check out like Juliet someday?” he asked Hammer.
“No. Never. ”
“At least you’ve gotten that much through your thick skull. Raine may not be the greatest communicator, but she’s a fighter, Macen. You know that. ”
Yeah, he did. All the years he’d spent with Juliet he’d never truly seen his wife’s soul. No matter how he’d tried, it had been like looking through smoke. He could see Raine’s bright beacon as clear as day. She wasn’t a quitter. The girl could be so damn self-sufficient. She’d left that prick of a father as a kid, and without fear of how she’d survive, drew from her inner strength to forge a better life for herself. Hammer knew what Raine would do if she were unhappy, and it sure as hell wasn’t swallow a bottle of pills.
“I might have to hunt her down,” Hammer said. “But I’ll never have to bury her. If I’d thought for two seconds that I might, the possibility of her being pregnant would have sent me into a panic. ”
“Then stop projecting your guilt over her and Liam, and start being honest with them both. Hasn’t Juliet taken enough from you? Maybe your child, nearly a decade, your happiness? Do something, idiot! Otherwise, you’ll just keep wasting away your life. ”
“Thanks for holding back. ”
Beck snorted, but he was right. Hammer had wasted so much time. How much longer was he willing to throw away over shit he couldn’t change?
Chapter 6
Unleashing his frustration on the punching bag had done nothing to alleviate Liam’s rage. Every morning in the week following Thanksgiving, he’d slipped away to the gym to escape Shadows and the pressure cooker of problems there, if only for a while. After nearly an hour of the repetitive rhythm, sweat dripped in his eyes and his muscles screamed…but he still couldn’t fatigue himself enough to silence the chaos crowding his head.
Finally, he stripped away his gloves and headed to the shower. As he sagged against the tile wall and let the hot spray cascade over him, he tried to decide what the fuck to do next. His options were limited. Stay or go? Fish or cut bait?
Liam sighed. Hammer was a secretive asshole and his rival for Raine. But he also made a hell of a sounding board, and ironically Liam missed him now.
Once dressed, he headed out of the gym and fought the morning rush. As soon as he pulled into the car park of the first beach he encountered, Liam took out his cell and rang Seth.
When his friend answered, he heard the sound of a woman’s soft voice in the background.
“Hey, it’s me. ”
“This had better be good, Liam. The things I’m willing to forego for a friend has its limits. ”
He could hear the laughter in Seth’s voice and smiled faintly. “I wouldn’t call any of this good, but I could use an ear. ”
Seth sobered. “You got it. What happened?”
/> Liam leaned his seat back a bit and stretched out. “How much did you know about Juliet’s death?”
“Just that she committed suicide. ”
“You didn’t know why?”
“No,” Seth answered. “I figured you’d know far more about that than me. ”
“I would have thought so, too. ” Liam sighed. Exhaustion and frustration tugged at him. He swiped at gritty eyes. “Macen finally told me. ”
He related the conversation to Seth. Afterward, his friend said nothing for a long moment. “Holy shit. ”
“That sums up how I feel. Hammer held all that in for eight fucking years. ”
“He never hinted why Juliet had done herself in?”
“Not once. Not during any of our phone calls, not when I stood beside him at Juliet’s grave on the anniversaries of her death and we talked about old times. Not in the two months since I moved out here. Never…until last week. ”
Seth whistled. “You must feel run over by a truck. ”
“I was in shock at first. Now, I just keep thinking what the fuck? Hammer blindsided me. Then he blamed it all on me. Fuckwit. ”
“You feel betrayed. ” Seth didn’t ask.
“I do. And how am I supposed to feel about the fact that Juliet might have killed herself because of my baby?” Somewhere between incredulous and wretched, for sure. “Even though I didn’t know and I can’t do anything about it now, guilt is eating me. ”
Juliet’s suicide was ancient history, but Liam’s wound felt fresh.
“She chose to end it without talking to either one of you,” Seth pointed out. “Don’t beat yourself up. So are you and Hammer talking now?”
“We haven’t since that night. I can’t decide if I should beat the fuck out of him or apologize for missing the boat completely. ”
Liam couldn’t bury his anger toward Hammer…but he could only imagine what the man had assumed all these years. That he didn’t care. That Juliet hadn’t mattered. That the grief of losing his wife meant nothing. Strictly looking at Hammer’s version of events, Liam supposed he came off like an insensitive prick. He cursed himself for not following his instincts and rushing home from Miami.
Had Hammer’s resentment spurred him to take Raine to bed the night Liam had first claimed her? It wouldn’t surprise him if Macen had purposely tried to get her pregnant, too.
Bloody rat bastard.
And no matter how fucking angry he was, Liam couldn’t rail to anyone at Shadows. Who would listen? Hammer? Liam rolled his eyes. Raine? Well, if Hammer had never told the man sharing Juliet’s bed about his wife’s tragic suicide, Liam doubted his old pal would have whispered a word of it to Raine. Not that Liam wanted to spill their dark past to the bruised, half-broken girl. He wanted to earn her trust, and telling her that story wouldn’t help the cause.
“It’s a tough break, man,” Seth commiserated. “But how the fuck were you supposed to know what happened if no one told you?”
True. But that didn’t eradicate his guilt or halt the need to unleash his wrath.
“To add insult to injury…” Liam gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. “Hammer made it clear, that he’ll take whatever opportunity presents itself to drag her back to his bed again. ”
Seth paused. “Clearly, he’s being a douche, but what’s more important to you? Is it preventing Hammer from taking Raine to bed again or serving the needs of your sub? We already talked about this. If she needs you both—”
“So the last sub you cared about, you wanted your friends fucking her?” Liam countered.
“Don’t try to make this about me. Focus on Raine. What are you really afraid of? Is it just that she’ll spread her legs for Hammer again? Or that she’ll ultimately choose him over you?”
The question made Liam’s heart seize. Hell, Seth saw right through him. “Hammer is too screwed up for her. ”
“Maybe confessing to you means he’s finally letting go of the past. I understand you’re pissed off at him, but what does she need?” Seth sounded infinitely patient.
That made Liam want to grit his teeth. “I’ll give her what she needs, damn it!”
“All I’m hearing is your jealousy. You’ve got to put Raine before Hammer and your anger. So far, you’ve done everything right for her. Don’t stop now. ”
Why did Seth have to be so damn right?
Liam sighed in defeat. “Asshole. ”
“It’s asking a lot of you, I know, especially when you’re not sure where you stand with her. ”
“She’s shouted her love for Hammer to the rafters. But me? I don’t know. ”
“I get that you’re afraid that Raine will run back to Hammer, maybe for good. But you can’t control the choices either of them make. You can only focus on your own. ”