Not going to happen.
I’d come so far. I wouldn’t go back. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t survive and not just because Cut would kill me, but because I couldn’t live that way any longer. I wasn’t fucking built for this disease. I’d done my penance. Twenty-nine long years of it.
Pulling the small bottle from my pocket as I entered my quarters, I placed two pills on my tongue and swallowed them back.
Nila hadn’t even been back a day and I’d already tripled the amount I normally took.
And when I kissed her.
Fuck!
What was I thinking?
To get so close to her? To taste her again?
I’d planned on an impromptu ad-lib for the article, but it fucking backfired on me.
I stormed into my bathroom and tore off the grey suit I’d worn for the Vanity Fair interview. Cold sweat drenched my back. Goosebumps covered my skin as I stripped the rest of my clothing and stepped into the shower.
As soon as the meeting was over, I’d left Nila in the parlour and stormed to my room. Being around George and Sylvie had been easy. Their reactions and opinions didn’t lash at me nearly as much as Nila’s did.
What was it about her? Why couldn’t I block her out?
Hot water rained over me, burning my flesh. Instead of washing away the tension of the morning, all I could think about was Nila pleasuring herself with the showerhead a few weeks ago. The way her face had tightened and pleasure made her glow. She’d never looked so goddamn beautiful.
My cock thickened, demanding I do something about the ache.
I couldn’t let her do this to me. Not again. Not after I’d had the best month of my life with my father. I’d finally found something that could work. I’d finally tasted freedom.
I just had to stay out of Nila’s clutches and do what I was born to do.
Fisting my cock, I thrust into my palm.
“You won’t win this time, Nila,” I growled. “I want you out of my head. Out of my fucking heart.”
Get out.
My quads tensed as bliss danced with pain. I was rough, punishing my cock for having the audacity to want the one thing that could destroy me. My balls tightened, delicious pleasure gathered in my belly.
Fuck, I wanted her. I wanted to be inside her.
I needed to stay far away from her.
My fingers squeezed harder.
You can’t have her.
Not if I wanted what Cut promised. Not if I wanted to rule.
My mind raced. I might not be able to have her physically, but Cut would never know what fantasies I allowed inside my fractured brain.
I could have her like this—and still win.
With one hand braced on the tiles and water cascading over my shoulders, I imagined Nila spread-eagled on the bed, tied to four corners and panting from an orgasm I’d just given her with my tongue.
Her taste filled my mouth as I climbed on top of her and slid deep inside her wet pussy.
Goddammit.
Her moans echoed in my ears as I thrust inside her, giving into her tightness, dropping every restraint and shackle.
I came.
It was the fastest orgasm I’d ever had. Ribbon after ribbon, I spurted over my knuckles.
Jerking beneath the water, I rid my body of the insanity she’d conjured and slowly…interminably slowly…I could breathe again.
“Where are we going?”
Her melodic voice was anything but soothing. After a night of tossing and berating myself for how weak I turned out to be, I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her—especially with her looking rested and fresh in jeans and an off-the-shoulder jumper with her hair plaited and just begging to be fisted while I took her from behind.
She didn’t look nervous or fearful—she looked defiant and ready to battle.
“So, you’re ignoring me now?”
“Not ignoring you, just filtering out your useless questions.” I didn’t turn to face her. Instead, I kept driving. Guiding the four-seater Ferrari FF away from Hawksridge Hall, I looked into the rear-view mirror.
I’d made the mistake of sitting Nila in the front with me. I should've put her in the back with Kestrel.
He caught my gaze, smirking a little as if he knew exactly what I was dealing with but didn’t give a toss. Awful thing was he did know exactly what I was dealing with and whatever sympathy he’d given me in the past had long since dried up.
It fucking hurt to have my closest ally wash his hands of me.
Nila spun in her seat, the tan leather creaking beneath her. “You tell me, Kes. Why was my morning spent sketching my so-called ‘wedding dress’ interrupted by a mysterious trip off the estate?” Her voice lowered. “You’ve only just gotten me back—why am I being given outings when I was told I would never leave again?”
Kes chuckled, his silvering hair longer and slightly shaggy. “That’s a lot of questions.”
Nila deadpanned. “I have a lot of confusion.”
Kes had changed a bit since I’d last seen him—withdrawing from me just like I withdrew from him.
Our fight came back with crystal clarity. It’d been two or three days after Cut had given me the ultimatum: Drugs and keep Nila for myself. Die and give Nila to Daniel. Kes had raged at me. He wanted me to give in and trust that together we could find another way. Only, he didn’t know the sentence Cut had given. It wasn’t his business. It was my curse. My responsibility to stay alive in order to protect Nila even while being cruel to her. And I had to use the tablets to remain sane enough to do that.
I don’t need him anymore—just like I don’t need my sister.
Kes laughed harder. The friendship between him and Nila sprang instantly back into place as if she’d never gone. How could they have such a bond when they were practically strangers?
I’d lived all my life with these people and still wasn’t comfortable in their company. The numbness from my tablets meant I’d deliberately distanced myself from the people I was closest to, so their feelings and thoughts wouldn’t sway my conviction. But to have Kes laugh so easily with Nila, when he was stilted and removed with me, hurt in a way I would never admit.
“Perhaps if you practice patience, you’ll find out soon enough,” I snapped.
Kes scowled, his hands clasped between his legs, his leather jacket and jeans filling up the rear of the car with authority only wealth can bring. “Everything is different now, Jet. You know that. If she asks, we tell her. Cut’s orders.”
Nila twisted further in her chair, eyes wide. “What does that mean?”
“It means that things have changed and our secrets…well, they’re not just ours anymore.” He leaned forward, his bulk crowding the centre console. “Try me. Ask anything and I’ll answer.”
I ground my teeth.
Nila bit her lip. “Okay…answer my first question. Where are we going?”
Kes didn’t hesitate. “Diamond Alley.”
“Diamond Alley?” Her mouth popped open. “What is that?”
I glanced warningly at Kes in the rear-view mirror. He was right. The rules had changed. But it was still my call what she learned, where she went, who she interacted with. I was both her protector and jailer. Confidant and confessor. Even though I didn’t want our connection to hurt me anymore, she was still mine until the end.
Kes scowled at my reflection before giving Nila his full attention. “You want the truth, Nila?”
Her lips thinned. “I’ve been asking for the truth for months. Of course, I want it.”
“The truth is sometimes worse than reality,” I murmured under my breath.
She sent me a look, but the question in her eyes assured me she hadn’t heard.
Kes settled back in the Ferrari bucket seat. “Okay, here it is. We’re taking you to one of our shipping warehouses. Diamond Alley is where most of what we mine enters England. We have a few distribution centres all over Europe, Asia, and America, but this one is closest to home and where we run the others overseas.”
And just like that Nila became an honouree Hawk.
I hope you’re ready for this ride, Nila, because once you know, you can never forget.
Nila absorbed that for a second, discounting hundreds of questions fleeting in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “Alright…and what does this have to do with me?”
I answered before Kes could. “What you’re about to see is the truth. You will know where the stones come from. What they look like. How much we earn. Who works for us. Where the rocks end up. How we pay off the police. How we run fucking England. There will be no more secrets on who we are or what we expect of you. Answers will be given on every topic.”
I glared at her. “You’ll know everything. Every scrap of history, hope, dream, and disaster of our family and yours.”
Nila’s eyes glowed. “And what did I do to deserve such trust?”
My fists tightened around the steering wheel.
Because you’re special.
Kes smiled sadly. “Because you proved yourself.”
She tensed. “How exactly?”
“You spoke to the reporter. You dug your own grave,” I murmured. “And no matter how much you want to, you won’t be leaving Hawksridge again. Cut has made sure of that. Bonnie has made sure of that. You have nowhere else to go.”