It killed me to watch her cry. Fucking killed me.
“I’m sorry, but this has to end.”
“No.”
“Yes…” She turned away.
I took a breath and steadied my own tears, knowing I couldn’t give in to the turmoil, let her see my pain…because it would just make it worse for both of us.
Her fingers curled into a fist under her nose as she stifled her sobs, facing the fridge so she wouldn’t have to look at me, let me see her break apart.
I gripped the edge of the counter and stared at the stove, listening to her cry, listening to the sound of my heartbreak echo back at me. It was the first time in my life I’d felt complete, that my life had a purpose, that there was more to life than money, violence, and whores. I had something better than all of that.
And now I had to let it go.
“Don’t make this harder,” she said through her sobs. “For both of us…”
I closed my eyes and felt the tears escape my eyes. I was silent as I felt the tears flow like rivers down my cheeks. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling the tears reach my lips, drip through the opening of my mouth, and stick to my tongue. I was grateful she couldn’t see me, that she had no idea I’d stifled my own pain so she wouldn’t have to listen to it.
How did I go on after this? How did I live a life without the one person I loved? I’d done terrible things that deserved punishment, but this was too harsh. It was too fucking cruel. She was the reason I became a better man, but I didn’t get to keep her.
It took all my strength to walk out of that apartment.
It took all my strength to leave her behind.
It took all my strength to turn my back on the love of my life…and leave her.EightCatalinaIt was different from the first time we broke up.
Because I had no rage to mask my pain.
Now, I just felt the heartbreak, raw and potent, making my hands shake even when I was lying absolutely still. The winter was bitterly cold without his hand on my heart. My life had been decimated with the loss of him. I didn’t know how to move forward even though he’d been in my life for such a short period of time.
But now, everything was different.
The sky looked different.
My heart didn’t beat the same. It didn’t have a steady rhythm, uneven, racing.
I was lost…like I didn’t know who I was anymore.
A week passed, and I didn’t leave the house. Damien didn’t text me, and neither did Anna. So, my time between the couch and the bed continued uninterrupted. The pain in my chest was difficult to describe, the depression a constant blanket of clouds over my ceiling. There was no sunshine…even on a clear day.
I didn’t eat much, but I drank more wine.
I expected texts from Heath, but they never came.
I didn’t text him either, because it would just make it worse.
I just would have to feel this way…until I stopped feeling this way.
When the weekend came, I couldn’t mope around anymore. I couldn’t call in sick either because I’d done that enough over the last few months. If I continued to do it, it would put my job in jeopardy.
I went backstage, got ready, and did my job.
When it was over, the girls wanted to go out, but the last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up to impress men I didn’t care about. I just wanted to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, wait for sleep to pull me under.
But Tracy wouldn’t let that happen. “The sooner you get used to living normally, the easier it’ll become.”
Nothing seemed easy right now. “I don’t think it’s that simple.”
“You gotta start somewhere, Cat.” She sat beside me on the bench. “I brought that purple dress you like. It’ll look so good on you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Not as good as it looks on you. You’ve got those nice tits.”
“Shut up. You have nice tits too.”
“But they aren’t boobalicious.”
She gave me a playful nudge in the side. “Come on, just a few drinks. Then you can go home.”
I sighed.
“You gotta get your feet wet.”
“I don’t want to meet anyone.”
“I know. But you can’t mope around the house forever.”
After we got dressed, we went to the bar with the rest of the girls, but the loud music from the speakers was just obnoxious to me. I missed the silence of my apartment. I missed the solitude. Every time I got a free drink, I wanted to dump it on the floor. Every time someone wanted to make conversation with me, I couldn’t even pretend to be polite.
Tracy had a lot of admirers tonight, probably because she was wearing a backless black dress, showing off her amazing figure. She tried to wave them off, but since she was having such an on night, it was an effort to get rid of them.