“That’s so juvenile. It’s like little kids who pull girls’ hair because they like them.”
“I mean. Yeah. Sort of. But that’s what guys do. You might not be eight years old anymore, but you’re still a guy. You don’t want to face the possibility of getting hurt again, so you shoved her away before she could get close. Unfortunately, you didn’t keep shoving and the attraction won out.”
I still thought it sounded completely juvenile the next morning when I got to work, but I was pretty sure Cole was right. My track record with women wasn’t good, and when I let myself, I could still feel the bitterness of the ones who used me before. I didn’t want that to happen again, and as soon as I saw Merry, I felt a snap of need for her. The attraction was immediate and strong, going beyond just thinking she was beautiful to craving to know more about her. Just that was enough to get my guard up and make me want to push back against that feeling as hard as I could. I didn’t want anything to do with her. If I just convinced her of that, eventually the feeling would wear off.
At least, that’s what I told myself. And yet, here I was. Sitting in the office, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do next. I had to talk to her. That was obvious. This wasn’t a television show or bad movie where we could just pretend nothing happened and go on about our lives to a soundtrack of sappy, watered-down music. We had to be upfront and honest about the situation and talk our way through it. It wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation. Definitely not one I was excited to have, but one that had to happen. If it didn’t, we’d be stuck in a never-ending cycle of awkwardness.
The reality was, I had no idea what was going on in Merry’s mind or what she might think was going to happen moving forward. I needed to cut off any thoughts at the pass and make sure she knew I wasn’t going to fire her. Even more, I needed her to know I wasn’t going to pursue her, either. Neither one was an option. Mom would strangle me bare-handed if she thought I had it in me to toss Merry aside after something happened between us. But she was possibly also capable of the same reaction if she knew I was as reckless and unprofessional as I had been at the bar.
As much as I didn’t want to think about it, I knew there was a chance Merry could react badly to the whole situation. It was entirely possible she could have woken up, realized what happened, and felt like I took advantage of her. That was the last thing I wanted to happen. Not just because I would never want her to feel that way about me, but also because I didn’t want her to be angry and press sexual assault charges. That was a looming thought that made my stomach turn.
I hung around in the breakroom at the beginning of the day, answering emails on my phone and listening. It was somewhat creepy in that I was all but stalking her, but I wanted to be able to start the conversation as soon as she got into work. The earlier we could get it over with, the sooner the questions would stop rolling through my mind and the tense feeling would leave my stomach.
I heard the telltale sounds of Merry coming in for the day and settling into her office. I gave her a few moments so she didn’t feel like I was just springing it on her when she wasn’t prepared. Not that this was the type of conversation you could really prepare for. When it sounded like she was ready for the day, I got a cup of coffee for her and walked into her office.
“Good morning,” I said.
Merry looked up at me, gasping and jumping slightly. There was a startled look in her eyes, and I realized it was part from me just popping in on her, and part from something else. I hated that. Hated that she felt that and hated even more that it was my fault.
“Hi,” she managed to get out.
“Can we talk?” I asked.
She nodded and gestured toward the chair across from her. I stepped further into the office and closed the door behind me. Nobody else needed to hear this conversation. Brandon was the only other person from the office who knew what had happened between Merry and me, and I doubted her brother was going to spend his first day of work spreading gossip about his little sister and the boss around the complex. I offered her the cup of coffee, and she took it from my hand, being careful not to let her fingers touch my skin.