But it wasn’t just normal pre-race jitters and stress that was getting to me. I was dealing with a secret—a big secret, and I hated it. Honesty was always a big thing for my family. From the time I was a small child, my parents instilled in me that honesty was one of the most important personal characteristics anyone could have. Even if you were wrong about something or made a mistake, being honest about it prevented the situation from being worse. That was dragging me down as I carried around the biggest secret I ever had. Knowing how disappointed they would be in me not just for what I did, but for being dishonest about it, was getting to me. Keeping something from them at all was hard, but keeping something like this, something potentially harmful to the company, a secret, was taking its toll on me.
I felt like I couldn’t get my brain wrapped around what I was supposed to be doing. Even though I’d done this dozens of times before, I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t make myself finish any task or get anything done. All of it had me walking along the complex feeling lost, unsure of what I was supposed to do next. I was so out of it I didn’t even notice my father come around the corner directly at me. He tried to move out of my way, but we ended up running into each other, and all the papers and my tablet I was carrying in my arms toppled to the floor and spilled out around me. The sound shocked me back into reality, and I shook my head to get the fog away.
Dad wrapped his arm around my shoulders and patted my back.
“Everything okay, my boy?” he asked.
Just the fact that he asked that told me he already knew there was something going on. That was my father’s way. He could tell when there was something wrong with one of his sons, but he was never the kind to push or pry. He would give each of us our own time and space to tell him what was on our minds, then help us in any way he could. I wanted to pour out everything to him and let him make me feel better, but at the same time I knew I couldn’t. I needed to get away from him as quickly as I could. I didn’t have it in me not to open up to him if he kept asking.
I bent down and scooped up everything from the floor, nodding but not saying anything until I was sure I had myself together.
“Just trying to get ready for the race,” I told him. “There’s a lot going on today.”
He chuckled. “You’re telling me. Your mother has asked me about a thousand times if that delivery has gotten here yet. If it doesn’t get here pretty soon, I think she’s going to end up trying to walk her way around the truck’s route to find them.”
I forced a laugh.
“Sounds like Mom,” I said.
Just as I said it, his phone alerted him to a new message, and he looked down at it.
“Speak of the devil,” he said. “I better get up there and help her unload. Have you eaten today? You’re looking kind of pale. Make sure you’re not so focused on everything you forget to take care of yourself. Go by the kitchen and grab something your mother made. She was on a savory kick this morning. The rosemary and cheese bread is really good.”
“I will,” I reassured him.
I was relieved when he finally walked away and I could duck into an empty office, taking a few deep breaths to ease my shaking. I couldn’t keep going like this. There was no way I was going to be able to keep this locked up inside me and just expect it to dissolve away eventually so I could pretend it didn’t happen. As much as that’s what I wanted, or at least what I told myself I wanted, it wasn’t realistic. Not for me. I couldn’t keep pretending. It felt like a lie, and that wasn’t something I could handle.
I needed to talk to Merry. I knew what I’d said to her and what she was probably thinking. It wouldn’t be easy to have the conversation we needed to have, but it had to be done. I had never been good at secrets, and I wasn’t about to let this one ruin my life. We needed to talk it out and figure out how we were really going to handle it.
Resolute in what we needed to do, I headed to Merry’s office. She was inside packing up her go-to bag of electronics.
“Hey,” I said as I walked through the open door.
She looked up at me with a guarded expression.