That handful of purple blooms was without a doubt the sweetest thing a man had ever done for me. It was so innocent and unassuming, such an old-fashioned gesture that felt completely sincere. It made me incredibly happy. It also made me feel unbelievably guilty. Here he was going through all this effort for me. He’d been courageous enough to be the one to make the first move, to go against what we’d said because he felt so strongly for me. Then he slowed it down and was taking his time, showing me I mattered to him in an important way. He truly and sincerely wanted to date me, and I was just lying to him with every second.
I stared at the flowers for the next hour, just trying to figure out what to think and how to feel. If it wasn’t for the massive secret I was keeping from him, there wouldn’t even be a question. Darren had never left my mind. I thought about him all the time, even before finding out I was pregnant. After Willa came along, I’d tell myself the only reason I was thinking about him so much was because of the baby we shared, but I knew that wasn’t really true.
Of course, our child made me think of him. There were things about her, even as a newborn, that reminded me of Darren. I’d only known him briefly, but his eyes and smile were memories I’d never let go of, and when I saw our daughter, they flashed in front of me. But it was so much more than that. I wouldn’t admit it to anyone and barely admitted it to myself, but I thought about Darren because he just stayed with me. There was a tremendous sense of what if, the question of how our lives could have been different if the situation were changed. If I hadn’t had to go back to Canada the morning after we met. If we’d met in a different environment. Even if we’d met earlier. All those things went through my mind all the time, and I never stopped missing him.
That was the real reason I ended up in the bar every year on his birthday. It made me feel closer to him, gave me a way to connect with him even if we weren’t near each other. If everything was different, I wouldn’t hesitate to want to be with him. But that was just the thing. Everything was different, and the way it was different was something I would never change. I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything. Nothing in my life had ever been as precious to me as Willa was, and even if I had the option, I wouldn’t take back having her.
She just changed things. Her coming into the world made everything in my life different, including how I thought about Darren, and how I had to think about him now. He wanted me, but I couldn’t open up to him without him knowing the full truth. The more attention he gave me, the harder it felt to even think about laying it all out. And I was terrified that once I did, it would change everything. Would he be furious with me and refuse to look at me again? Even worse, would he try to take Willa from me as punishment?
I finally went to bed well after I usually did. I’d thought I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep, but I quickly dropped into a dream about the night we met. Every moment of that night was still etched in my mind, and I could easily replay it. Only this time those memories mixed themselves up into our daily life now. Suddenly it wasn’t three years ago meeting in a bar. It was us at work, spending time together in the garage, falling for each other. I woke up in the middle of the night writhing, so filled with arousal and need I couldn’t fall back to sleep. Even with the guilt still coursing through me, I slid my hand down my body to finish what the dream started.
The dream already had me hot and wet, and my fingertip slipped through my folds, creating a sensation that went all the way through me. I swirled it over my clit and applied just enough pressure to meet the throb. It didn’t take long for my body to start to shake and a hard orgasm to crash over me. Finally, I dropped back to sleep.
In the morning the guilt was back in full force. It ate at me, making it hard to think about much of anything else. This wasn’t going to go away. I couldn’t just pretend it didn’t exist and let whatever else was going to happen unfold. It needed to be dealt with. All I had to do was find the strength.