Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

“I’m sorry, Anna, I needed the information to help keep you safe.” Ashton took hold of my hand, squeezing it gently.

I snorted, wrenching my hand out of grasp. “How the hell would knowing that stuff keep me safe? That’s private stuff, no one should know about it! I don’t want anyone to know!” I shouted, making him flinch. My blood felt like it was boiling in my veins. Everyone always thought they knew what was best for me, but in reality, they all just made it ten times worse. I didn’t need their pity.

“It didn’t go into details. Just an overview,” he countered, frowning, looking a little concerned I was going to break or something.

“Oh, it didn’t go into details? You want the details, Ashton? You want me to tell you why I wake up screaming every night? Want me to tell you how I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists and the f**ker saved me just so he could live in some little, sick fantasy where we played house? You want to know that apparently he was in love with me, love at first sight he said? That’s why he killed Jack right in front of me, because he wanted me to himself! He had Jack beaten so badly that I can still hear the sounds of his bones snapping, I can still see the terrified look in his eyes just before they threw him over the fire escape,” I ranted, taking a shaky breath.

Ashton had gone pale.

“You want to know that exactly a week after my sixteenth birthday, he raped me and took my virginity? And then he raped me every day after that? You want to know that he got me pregnant and was so angry about it that he threw me down the stairs and then kicked me in the stomach repeatedly until I had a miscarriage? Huh, you want to know that? Shall I carry on?” I shouted. He flinched and shook his head; his eyes alight with both concern and horror.

I couldn’t stop, it was pouring out of me now. “Did it say in my file that I didn’t leave his house the whole time I was there? That I wasn’t allowed to eat every day, that if I said something he didn’t like or didn’t do as I was asked, that he would beat me until I blacked out?” My chin wobbled at the memories. “Did it say in the file that he tried to be the perfect boyfriend? Or that he gave me everything a girl could ask for – designer clothes, shoes, purses, flowers, chocolates? I had laptops that couldn’t go on the internet. I had the latest cell phone that could only dial his number. He even got me a puppy which he let me keep just long enough for me to fall in love with it before he drowned it in the pool for peeing on the carpet. Every night in my dreams I see him kill Jack. He was murdered because of me. Did it say any of that in my file?” I asked venomously. “Do you want to know what hurts me the most everyday? The fact that I would have gone with him willingly if he would have just let Jack go. I would go through that for the rest of my life if it meant Jack could have lived. He didn’t deserve to die, especially not because of me,” I whispered, unable to keep the tears away any longer.

“Anna, I’m so sorry,” Ashton croaked, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around me.

I sobbed uncontrollably against his chest as his arms tightened around me. I’d never told anyone that; I’d refused to give the police any details, just the basic facts. I didn’t want to press charges against him because I couldn’t talk about it; I couldn’t tell anyone what he’d done to me. And that was the first time I’d ever mentioned the fact that I’d had a miscarriage.

When I finally managed to calm myself, he pulled away and looked at me tenderly; his eyes were soft and warm and filled with compassion. “I’m sorry this happened to you, but I promise he won’t ever hurt you again,” he said fiercely, his jaw becoming tight.

I shook my head at his words. “Don’t worry, Ashton, he can’t hurt me anymore, no one can. I have nothing left to lose,” I said honestly.

This seemed to upset him, and a pained look crossed his face. “Don’t say that, I can’t hear that,” he whispered, looking at me pleadingly. I pushed him away and stalked to the bathroom, locking myself in and taking another shower to try and rid myself of the dirty feeling that always crept over me when I thought about Carter.

Chapter Five

When I got out of the shower, I felt much better. It actually felt good to have said all of that out loud, for someone to finally know some of what I went through. I never thought it would, but saying the words out loud took some of the anger away that was always boiling just under the surface.

I sat on my bed wrapped in my towel. So far, Ashton had been nothing but nice to me, and I’d repaid him by blurting out all of that horrible stuff and being a bitch to him. My gaze fell on my drawer that housed my swimwear. I chewed on my lip. I somehow felt like I owed him something – and he wanted to see the lake. Maybe, just for today, I could cut him some slack. It would be nice to take in some sunshine, and I loved the lake too.

I sighed as I made up my mind. Gripping my hair, I scraped it back into a messy bun before heading over to my drawers and pulling out my black, all in one swimsuit. After slipping it on, I covered it with a pair of baggy jeans and a long tee.

When I knocked on Ashton’s bedroom door I heard bedsprings creak from inside before he opened it, seeming surprised to see me.

I smiled awkwardly. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he replied softly. He still looked upset.

I took a deep breath. “So, I’m sorry I went off on one at you. I shouldn’t have said all those things to you, that wasn’t fair of me, so I apologise.”