Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

My mom cooed how lovely it was to have me home and how much she’d missed me while she gave me a guided tour of the White House. I’d already been once before, on the day of my father’s inauguration, but my mother seemed content to show me around again – probably to pass the time. She didn’t once mention Carter or his disastrous retrial, or the fact that apparently my worst nightmare wanted me back again.

My bedroom was the blue one that I’d chosen on the first visit. As I stood at the window, looking out over the beautiful grounds at the back of the building, I couldn’t even bring myself to smile a real smile. During the last two weeks, I’d become pretty adept at faking being alright though. People didn’t realise how much pain I was feeling inside, which I was grateful for. I was pretty sure that Dean had an idea of my suffering, but thankfully he didn’t mention Ashton anymore.

Staying here for two weeks meant I would spend my twentieth birthday here too. When I woke in the morning on March 12, I couldn’t stop the silent tears that fell down my face. If there was ever a day that I regretted sending Ashton away, it was today. Memories of Jack and his death plagued me before I was even fully awake.

For the last two anniversaries, the sadness had consumed me. I’d gotten extremely intoxicated and I’d washed down a bottle of pills. This year would be different. I’d promised Ashton that I wouldn’t ever do that again, and, to be honest, I didn’t actually feel like that girl anymore. When I was in that dark, depressed state, I couldn’t see any point in living; I couldn’t see anything good in the world, but knowing that there was someone like Ashton out there just made the world a happier place for me. Yes, I was sad and lonely at the moment, but I just wasn’t in that dark and depressed place anymore. I knew that there was a point to life. Sure, my heart hurt for Ashton, but I knew that he would be happy soon. I believed in what I was doing. If I didn’t love him so much, I would’ve never been able to push him away and put myself through this.

My cell phone was buzzing happily on the side, vibrating loudly against the wood of my bedside unit. I ignored it, knowing it would be Ashton. He had been calling me every five minutes since seven o’clock so I’d switched my phone to silent. By the time I got out of the shower and dressed, the phone had finally stopped ringing. I picked it up, seeing twelve missed calls and eight new messages.

The calls were all from him in a series of five minute intervals. Five of the messages were from him too. The others were from Rosie, Serena and Monica, all of them wishing me happy birthday. I opened the messages from Ashton and took a deep breath before I read them:

1 - Happy Birthday! I hope you have a good day. Please call me, I really need to speak to you, today of all days. I love you x

2 - Anna, please don’t do anything silly today, please? I love you.

3 - Please answer your phone. I just need to hear your voice and know that you’re okay, please?

4 - Anna, you’re making me crazy! I know today is hard for you but you promised me once you wouldn’t do anything silly on your birthday. Please, Baby Girl, please?

5 - You’re killing me, I swear. Please answer your damn phone! I miss you, I need you, I love you x

My hands were shaking. I felt sick. Knowing I couldn’t put off contact with him today because of how worried he’d be, I sent him a quick reply promising that I wouldn’t do anything silly and asking him to stop calling and leave me alone.

I forced myself to stop thinking about him. I knew he was hurting and that I was causing him pain, but it needed to be done and he would never have left if I’d just told him my reasons for wanting him transferred. He would have been confident he could have protected me, and himself, against Carter and his men, but he would have been wrong, and I couldn’t take that chance with his life.

As I wandered through the exquisite hallways and made my way to the dining room for breakfast with my parents, I tried to ignore the guard that was following behind me, matching his step with mine.

I didn’t really want to eat this morning, but my parents had insisted we convene in the morning to celebrate. They always had liked to make a fuss of my birthday – that never changed, even after I did.

As I sat down at the beautifully laid out table, my parents smiled warmly but managed to look concerned at the same time. “Happy birthday, Annabelle,” they both said, almost in unison.

I faked a smile. “Thanks.” To distract myself from the fact that they were watching me, I helped myself to some toast, spreading it liberally with marmalade. I wasn’t hungry, but I needed to keep up the act for them otherwise I’d never get any peace today.

Suddenly, my mom jumped out of her chair and grabbed three presents off the floor, handing them to me. “For you.”

“Thanks, you didn’t need to get me anything.” I set them on the table and picked up the top, beautifully wrapped, red box.

“Oh don’t be silly, you’re twenty today, no longer a teenager,” my mom chirped, looking at me proudly.

I eagerly tore off the paper, finding a shoe box inside. On the side was printed the words ‘Mary Shaun’ – the designer who had made my dress and shoes for my father’s party. I grinned as I lifted the lid to see a pair of electric blue shoes with a sparkly stiletto heel. They were absolutely beautiful. I gasped.

“Oh wow, these are gorgeous!” I gushed. They were almost as nice as the plum ones I’d claimed to have lost after the party.

“I thought you’d like them,” my mom agreed, smiling at me knowingly.