Out in the Field (Out in College 4)

* * *

It took less than ten minutes for Christian to suspect something was up with me later that night. I dropped my workout bag on the floor and headed for the kitchen when I heard the refrigerator door close. I greeted him with a fist bump and a weak smile, then grabbed a water bottle. I uncapped the top before pointing at the veggies sautéing on the stove.

“Whatcha makin’?”

“Stir fry. There’s enough to share. Are you hungry?”

“Uh. Sure. I thought you’d be at Rory’s,” I said, leaning against the counter.

“He’s working late at the Y. I’ll head over there after the traffic dies down. Why? Is your boyfriend coming over?”

“No. I mean, maybe later. He has a class.”

Christian turned off the stove and gave me a sharp look. “What’s wrong?”

“Why do you think something is wrong?” I bluffed.

“ ’Cause you didn’t jump down my throat when I called him your boyfriend.”

“Hmm. Well, nothing’s wrong,” I lied, tilting my water bottle back.

He flipped the veggies once more, then pulled two bowls from the cupboard and spooned rice and veggies into each before handing one to me. “Help yourself to some chicken too.”

I rounded the peninsula and took a seat on one of the barstools. I doused my dinner in Sriracha, picked up my fork, and absently stirred the contents in my bowl.

“This is good. Thanks,” I commented when he sat beside me.

“You’re welcome, but you didn’t take a bite yet. You’re freaking me out, Max. Start talking and—”

“Sky’s back.”

Christian froze with his fork in midair and shifted on his stool to face me. “What the fuck? Where?”

“At school. On the team. Everywhere,” I huffed derisively.

“How is that possible? How did you find out? Did you talk to him? When did—”

“Geez, Chrissy. One question at a time.” I filled him in on the meeting Coach Glenn called that morning and my chat afterward with his surprise guest.

“Unbelievable.”

“I know. I guess I’ll see him tomorrow at practice. And it’ll be like nothing fucking happened.”

“Did you tell Phoenix?”

“No. Not yet. I will, but he’s auditioning for a big part this week and I don’t want to freak him out. I mean, maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it doesn’t matter if Sky is back. It’s not like we’re getting back together. We’ll be teammates. That’s all.” I took a bite of rice and shot a sideways smile that immediately fell flat.

Christian stared at me patiently. “And how do you really feel?”

“I think it sucks. He’s ruining baseball for me.”

“That’s ridiculous. How could he possibly ruin baseball?”

“I don’t know, but I dreaded going to practice today. Then I found out he’s not starting till tomorrow, so I get to dread going tomorrow too. And the next day and the day after that.” I let out a defeated sigh and pushed my bowl away. “I want to say it doesn’t matter that we were together. In one way, it doesn’t ’cause he’s the past and it’s over. But he represents guilt, shame, and a part of me that I’m not proud of. And I don’t know how, but I’ve got a bad feeling this is going to fuck everything up.”

“Dramatic much? Come on, Max. You have Phoenix and—”

“For now.”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s not made for the closet, Chrissy. He’s out and proud and it just oozes out of him. He talks about Broadway actors and plays he loves the way I talk about baseball players’ stats and the Dodgers. Get this…he didn’t know what the World Series was until he googled it. He was sitting over there last night studying a Wikipedia entry about baseball.” I gestured toward the sofa wildly and looked back at my friend with a goofy grin before affectionately adding, “He’s so…weird. But he’s so real too and I just—”

“Fuck. You’re in love with him,” Christian stated in an awed tone.

“That’s a big word. I know I like him…a lot. And I know he feels the same way.” I sighed wearily and continued. “But I can’t really have him unless I’m…you know.”

“Out?”

I buried my head in my hands.

“Yeah, and I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I figured I had another year and now I think if I can just make it through the season, I’ll be okay. It fucking scares me though. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my parents. I don’t know what I’d do if…” I couldn’t continue. The idea was too painful to put into words.

Christian set a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Max, your mom and dad aren’t gonna give up on you. And your teammates won’t either. Don’t beat yourself up worrying about what might happen and go make it happen. Maybe it’s not tonight or tomorrow. But you’ll know when it’s time.”

Somehow I doubted that. I wasn’t sensitive to time unless it represented something I wanted. And my biggest fear was that I’d let it go because I didn’t have the balls to reveal myself.