Dirty Beginning (Dirty 0.50)

I look up and mouth, Thanks .

Killian just nods his head as a nurse runs up to us. I stand, afraid she is here to tell us bad news .

“Are you relatives of Lee Felton ?”

Killian and I both nod .

The woman sighs. “Good. I need someone to fill out the insurance forms .”

My eyes grow wide. I can’t deal with this shit, not right now. I need to take care of my mother. I need to see my grandfather. I don’t need to be worried about figuring out what insurance he has .

“I’ll do it,” Killian says, to my surprise. He leans over and softly kisses me on the cheek before he begins following the nurse .

“Wait. How is he doing ?”

“He’s still in surgery. But I’ll have someone come get you as soon as the surgery is over .”

I nod and then sit back in the chair next to my mom. I don’t know if Killian will be able to fill out the forms. But I have faith he will find a way to keep the nurse away for a little while at least .

I glance over at my mom, who is now sitting up a little higher in her chair. I watch as she runs her hand through her long locks and then sips on her coffee. It seems to be helping .

I shake my head, disgusted that she is drunk. I never imagined she would fall to this level. She seems so lost without my dad. But I know that’s not true. She never really loved my dad. She only married him for the money, for the house, to pass on money to me. I realize now, looking back on their relationship, they were never really happy together. They never really loved each other. They never chose each other .

“I’m not drunk,” my mother says, glaring at me .

“I never said you were .”

She smiles slyly. “You’re disgusted. That’s what you thought. I’m not drunk. I’ve only had two drinks .”

“Then, why do you look like complete shit? I know it’s not because you gave two shits about my father. And you sure as hell don’t care about what happens to Granddad .”

“Wow. Someone has finally grown a pair.” She takes a sip of her coffee before staring off into space .

I think the conversation is over, that this is all I’m going to get from her. She’s drunk. There is no other word to describe her state .

“I loved your father very much, more than even he knew .”

“You don’t need to lie to me. Granddad told me. He told me the truth—that the only reason you got married was because it benefited the company and your pocketbook .”

Her eyes meet mine, but I don’t expect to see the pain in them .

“You have no idea what you are talking about. I loved your father very much. Yes, our marriage was arranged, but it was arranged because I loved him, and it was the only way to get your father to notice me instead of being stuck in his career. The opportunity arose, and I took it .”

She takes a deep breath. “Don’t you dare accuse me of not loving your father. I gave up everything for that man. I never wanted children. Did he tell you that? I never, ever wanted fucking children. But I had one for him. He wanted children, someone to pass on his precious company to. So, I had one .

“I wanted to move out of this godforsaken place. I wanted to move somewhere with a beach, but I never did. I stayed with your father, even when he stayed late night after night at hotel after hotel blaming it on work. I knew what he was doing. I loved him, even when he didn’t love me back .”

Tears are streaming down her face. “I loved him, even when he was loving other women.” A sob escapes, and she takes a minute to just let it out of her whole body .

“Don’t you dare accuse me of not loving that man. I loved him desperately and without asking for love in return. It tears me apart to think that one of the only remaining links I have left to that love might be dying on the operating table.” She glares at me. “And the other is about to make the biggest mistake of her life .”

I take a deep breath, trying to take it all in, but it’s a lot to take in. She accused my father of not loving her, of cheating on her. I don’t want to think about it. I’ve always loved my father. I don’t want to know if what she said is right. I can’t know .

“What do you mean, I’m about to make the biggest mistake of my life? I thought I already did that five years ago .”

She laughs. “What you did wasn’t a mistake. I know I told you time after time that it was. I know I blamed you for my failed marriage. I blamed you because it was easier to blame you than myself. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I should never have agreed to marry your father. It was the worst mistake of my life. I ruined my life forever when I said, ‘I do.’ I can’t get back the last twenty-five years. They are gone. I don’t even know if I can figure out how to live again for another twenty-five years .”

She stands from her chair, surprisingly steady on her feet. “Don’t make my mistake. Don’t marry that boy. I’d pull the trigger before I made that decision again .”