He didn’t expect her to squeeze his hand back, or hang on even tighter, but she did. The lump in his throat grew larger. What he and Nikki shared, could share, was rare. He’d be a fool to lose it.
He’d truly be his father’s son if he let it go without a fight.
“Why don’t you two give it some thought. It’s not something I’ll be finding out today anyway. Want to hear more or can I stop now?” she asked, with that same knowing grin. “You’ll get to hear him every month.”
“Or her,” Nikki said.
Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Changing your mind? She thinks it’s a boy,” he said in response to Dr. Molloy’s questioning look.
Nikki shook her head. “Just covering my bases.”
The doctor lifted the machine and flipped the power off. She handed Nikki a towel. “Everything looks fine. You can clean up a bit and meet me in my office. I’ll answer any other questions you have.” With that, she slipped out the door.
Kevin and Nikki were alone. The sheen of tears in her eyes matched the emotion stirring inside him. “Do you have any other questions for her?” Kevin asked.
“Not right now.” She crumpled a white paper sheet and wiped down her stomach, while he granted her the courtesy of turning away.
“Will you be okay if I put you in a cab and send you home? I need to run an important errand.”
“Not a problem,” she said, her words warring with the questions in her violet eyes.
No doubt she wondered why the man who professed not to want to let her out of his sight was suddenly willing to put her in a taxi alone. But she didn’t ask where he was heading. And he didn’t offer the information.
This short appointment had altered his entire life. To be more precise, Nikki had altered his life. But these last ten minutes had shown him what true bonding between people meant. For the first time, he understood some of what Nikki wanted from him—apart from the nights they used to share beneath the covers.
He heard the ripple of paper as she tossed the sheet into the trash and moved to his side. “As long as I’m in the city, I’d like to go to Janine’s anyway.”
“I can pick you up on my way home.”
She shook her head. “No need. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”
“It’ll be too dark for you to take a cab... Never mind.” Forcing himself to back off wasn’t easy.
But words he’d read in Nikki’s photocopied literature came back to haunt him. Questions for adult children of alcoholics, the paper had read. And Kevin had taken to reading them over at bedtime, when he was alone. He’d rather have been with Nikki, but she’d refused, citing his need to control and his inability to reach out to her. Questions he hadn’t wanted to take seriously, but questions he couldn’t ignore.
Did he anticipate problems when life was going smoothly? Did he isolate himself from other people? Did he have trouble with intimate relationships? Did he feel responsible for others, as he did for his drunken father? There were more, but those were the ones that stayed with him. Day after day, night after night.
He looked around him, at the room where he’d heard his baby’s heartbeat for the first time. At the woman with whom he could share his life—if only he could learn how.
There was a way, he thought, recalling the literature once more. But he didn’t know if he had it in him to take the steps he needed to take. He didn’t know if he could ever stop blaming himself... for many things.
If he failed at this, he wanted to do it alone if not in peace. But if he won, if he conquered this next demon, they both had a chance at a future.
“Kevin?”
He blinked at the sound of her voice. “What is it?”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
“Being here. And letting me go.” A soft smile curved at her lips.
He understood her, just as she understood him. And that was their start.
* * *
One by one they filed out of the Al-Anon meeting room. Men and women looking just like him. Most held steady jobs. Some were married, others single. They looked like well-adjusted adults. But the one thing they had in common made Kevin question the last. They were all adult children of alcoholics.