My conscience chastised me for these thoughts because over the last few weeks, Ryan had spent a lot of time with me whereas in the past he might have been working. So, I knew that he could prioritize relationships over work.
In the end I was right back where I started. Feeling broken and confused over what to do about it.
31
Ryan
I set up my desk, staring at my laptop, but I had no clue what was on the screen. My life was in a turmoil, and I couldn’t seem to get it out of my head. There was no time when Kellie wasn’t in my thoughts. During the day, a mixture of frustration and pain and grief at not seeing her, made it impossible for me to do my job. At night she haunted my dreams. There was no escaping her.
Of course, with a child on the way, I’d never be free of her. Then again, I didn’t want to be free of her, and that was where the real turmoil existed.
But when I planned to go to her apartment to talk to her, all I could think about was how she hadn't told me about being pregnant. Her keeping that a secret hurt me in ways that I didn't understand. But also, it showed a part of her that I didn't know existed. I wouldn’t have imagined existed. Why didn’t she tell me? Regardless of my suggesting to her that marriage and a family wasn't necessarily in my future, surely, I deserved to know. Did she think there was something wrong with me? Was she trying to use me to get ahead in life?
Around and around all this went through my brain nonstop 24/7. It was driving me mad.
The fact that she had taken the last couple of days off didn't make it any better. It had been a relief the day I came in and discovered that she called in sick. It was excruciating to have to see her day in and day out and act like nothing had happened between us. To pretend that she wasn't carrying my child. I had thought her taking a day off might provide a respite, but it didn't. Instead, I worried about her. Was she really sick? Was there something wrong with the baby? I had heard Andi saying that she had made a visit to Kellie's. She seemed to think that there was nothing seriously wrong with Kellie, which was a relief. I watched Andi for a moment wondering if she knew about the baby. The way she studied me suggested she might know something, and I wondered if she talked about it with my grandmother.
But I was finally to the point where I wasn't going to worry about what my grandmother or my brothers or anyone else thought or said. Not that I didn't care, but there was just no more room in my brain or in my heart to focus on it.
&nbs
p; There was a knock on my door and when it opened, for a moment, I'd anticipated Kellie poking her head in giving me one of those radiant smiles. See? She was always with me.
The head that poked in belonged to my grandmother.
I stood running a hand down my tie to make sure I was presentable. "Gran, it's good to see you. Is everything alright?"
"You tell me Ryan." She strode into my office like the queen of all she surveyed and took a seat in the chair in front of my desk.
"Can I get you something to drink?" I offered.
She shook her head. "No. I'm here to find out what's been wrong with you lately. You’re moping around here like you lost your puppy. What's going on with you?"
I sat down, initially trying to come up with some reasonable excuse for my recent behavior.
My grandmother's sharp eyes studied me. "Does this have something to do with your assistant who seems to be MIA the last few days?"
I scrambled to try and figure out if somebody told her about me and Kellie? Maybe Carter? Or maybe Kellie had confided in Andi, and Andi told my grandmother? I didn't have the energy to try and talk myself out of the situation. In fact, it was probably long past due that I confessed to my grandmother everything that I had done.
"I'm not quite sure where to start…"
"The beginning is always a good place to start."
I could see my grandmother wasn't going to leave until I told her everything and so that's what I did. "Christian LaMont was struggling to commit to us because he had concerns that the next generation of Strongs weren't settled."
My grandmother had no real reaction to that. She just sat and waited for me to continue on.
I had to take a breath for this next part because I knew it was an action she wouldn't approve of. "So, I suggested to him that I was engaged, and Kellie agreed to play the part of my fiancé."
My grandmother's eyes narrowed, so I hurried on.
"At the time I thought if he believed I was engaged that that would be enough to get the deal done. However, being a very generous man and a diehard romantic, he insisted on hosting a wedding for us."
"You married your assistant?" Her brows shot up to her silver hairline.
It was hard for me to decide if she was just shocked or also disappointed at the idea of me marrying Kellie.
"No. We did go to Italy and had a ceremony, but none of the legal paperwork was done."