I made my way up the hall to his room and peeked in to see Reggie reading Tanner a book.
"Mommy, you’re back," Tanner exclaimed, not at all looking sleepy. "Did your friend think you are beautiful?"
I leaned against the door jamb to watch him. "He did. Thanks to you."
Reggie rose from sitting on the bed. "You’re back earlier than I thought you'd be."
I shrugged and managed a smile because I wasn’t going to tell her what a disaster it was in front of Tanner. "It was an interesting evening."
She watched me for a minute and then said, "That sounds like we need a glass of wine and to talk. Here you can finish reading Tanner his book and I’ll go get the wine and see you in a few."
I nodded because wine sounded really good right now.
I sat on the edge of the bed and Tanner told me where Reggie had been in the book before I interrupted him. I finished the story about a train, and then tucked him in.
I loved him so much, and the guilt at keeping him from knowing a wonderful man like Carter was more than I could bear. Not that my fears hadn't waned. I knew Carter would be a good father, but would he believe that Tanner was his son? And after everything that I had done to mess this up, would he try to take Tanner away from me?
I kissed Tanner good night, and then left his room, making sure the nightlight was still on. As I shut the door, I stood outside his room for a moment taking a few deep breaths and then I made my way to the living room where Reggie was already waiting with a glass of wine.
"All right, spill. Why are you home so early?"
I picked up the glass of wine and drank about half of it.
"That bad, huh? Kevin always seemed like a decent guy to me. What did he do?"
I sat at the other end of the couch from her. "He didn't do anything wrong."
"So, what are you home acting like the date was a disaster?"
I sighed. "He took me to Cesere’s."
"Ooh la la. That's fancy. Why is that bad?"
"That's not the bad part. The bad part is Cesare’s is owned by Hunter Strong, who is brothers with —"
“Carter Strong," Reggie finished for me. "He was there?"
I nodded. "Yes, and I don't think he liked seeing me there with Kevin. He confronted us. He'd been drinking."
"Well, if he was drunk, maybe it's a good thing you haven't told him about Tanner."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Why would you say that?"
"Because if he is a drinker, you don't want Tanner around that."
I held up the glass of wine. "I drink."
"It's not what I mean. I mean someone who drinks and gets drunk in public. Someone who does get drunk in public, imagine how much they drink at home." She sipped her wine.
I knew I was feeling defensive of Carter, but he deserved someone to stick up for him. I knew the man I saw tonight wasn't how he normally was.
"He's not like that. On that cruise, when we would drink, he never got drunk. That was me. And the way I saw him tonight, I've never seen him like that. In fact, I suspect that he was drinking because of me."
Reggie shook her head. "First, four years is a long time, people change. He could've been completely fine four years ago, and be a lush now. Second, you can't blame yourself because he's drowning in liquor."
I knew part of what she was saying was true. Carter had made the choice to drink and get drunk. Still, I couldn't get the pain that was etched on his face out of my mind. If I had that sort of pain, I’d probably drink to oblivion too, especially if the source of that pain insisted on showing up in my life.
"I have to tell him. And I have to tell him soon. I can't keep putting it off."