Carter looked up at me briefly. "Really soon, Tanner. Really soon."
29
Carter
I wasn't sure how I was still standing because it felt like the ground had crumbled out from under my feet. I had never been so swamped and overwhelmed by emotion.
I was a father.
In looking at this little boy, I could see parts of me and parts of Jess in him. I could tell that he was perfect.
At the same time, my heart broke at how much I'd missed. I hadn't been there to watch Jess's belly swell as he grew inside her. I missed the day he was born. I wasn't allowed the opportunity to be tired waking up in the middle of the night to help Jess with him. I didn't get to help him take his first steps.
But I couldn't get caught up in everything that I'd missed. I had to focus on the here and now and being the best father that I could be to Tanner.
As much as I was elated and looking forward to being a father, I was equally as hurt and angry at Jess. It wasn't just that she denied me knowing about Tanner. It was that she seemed to think that I was the sort of man who would reject her and Tanner, especially after everything I’d done to try and convince her to give me a chance.
She told me that she had wanted everything that I'd offered, but had been afraid. So, her rejection of me wasn't because she didn't care about me, but more that she was worried how I would respond to Tanner. But how could she care for me if she thought I was the type of man who wouldn't be happy to have her and him in my life?
I imagined my grandmother would say something to the effect that I'd only known her for a week, and then had four years to build her up in my mind. She’d probably even tell me that it was unfair to Jess to have elevated her to such heights that she couldn’t possibly live up to it.
Even so. She could have told me about Tanner.
Now that I knew, I suppose there could be a chance for Jess and I, but I didn’t know how I could get over the fact that she'd kept him from me. That she felt that I was the sort of man who would abandon his son or on the opposite end of the spectrum, take her son away from her.
But whether Jess and I ever reconciled, didn't change the fact that she and I would have to get along because there was no way that I wasn't going to be a part of this little boy's life. I could already imagine the trips that he and I would take. There were so many parts of the world that I wanted to show him. And then there was time I wanted him to spend with my family.
I wondered how much time I would be able to get with him, and then had to consider that maybe part of the reason Jess kept him from me was that she didn't want to share. When he was with me, he wouldn't be with her, and up until now, she had had all the time.
I looked over at the little boy who was studying me. I wondered what was going through his head now. I hoped he wasn't angry at me for not being here sooner. He didn't look angry. Mostly he looked intrigued.
I knew that I loved him already, but I wondered how long it would take before he felt the same about me.
"When we go to the park, daddy, will you push me on the swing?"
I couldn’t imagine my heart swelling any larger than it already was, but to hear him call me daddy was beyond anything I'd ever felt before.
I cleared my throat of the emotion clogging there. "Yes, of course." I looked up at Jess.
Her eyes had filled with tears, and I hoped that they were tears of being touched by the scene playing out in front of her, and not tears of having to share her son with me.
"Should we go to the park then?" Jess said, wiping her tears and standing up.
We walked out the door to get into the car.
"I know you don't like my car, but I’ll drive since the car seat is in there."
I nodded, and it occurred to me that Tanner was probably the reason she turned down the convertible that I tried to give her. God that felt like a lifetime ago.
She didn't like that I'd offered her a car, but if she was going to be driving my son around, I wanted her to do it in something safe. So, when I bought her the next car, I was going to make sure she took it. Perhaps that was chauvinistic of me, but I would hate to think of them broken down on a road somewhere at night.
It wasn't far to the park and when we got there, Tanner took my hand and pulled me toward the swings. What an amazing feeling it was to have my son hold my hand and look at me like I was the king of the world.
I helped him onto the swing and made sure that he held tight as I pushed him. All of a sudden, worry spread through me. What if he fell?
"Higher, daddy, higher," Tanner called.
I didn't want to push him higher. For the first time in my life, the swings seemed like a death trap.