"My shoulder hurts like hell. "
"When did you take your last pain pill?"
"Im overdue. "
Kate put down her cup, went into the bathroom, and came out with a Percodan and a glass of water.
Tully took the pill and washed it down.
"Now," Kate said, retaking her seat. "You want to talk about whats really wrong?"
"No. "
"Come on, Tully. I know youre thinking about Chad, wondering if you did the right thing. "
"This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much. "
"Maybe. "
"And what do you and I know about love anyway?"
Kates face took on that sad, semi-judgmental look that Tully hated. It was almost a poor-Tully look. "I know about love," she said quietly. "Maybe not being in love or being loved, but I know about loving someone and how much it can hurt. I think if you really loved Chad, youd know it, and youd be in Tennessee right now. At least, if I loved someone, Id know it. "
"Everything is always black and white with you. How do you always know what you want?"
"You know what you want, Tully. You always have. "
"So I dont get to fall in love? Thats my price for fame and success? Always being alone?"
"Of course you can fall in love. You just have to let yourself. They dont call it falling for nothing. "
The words should have comforted Tully; they were intended to be hopeful, she knew that, but just then, she couldnt feel that optimism. Rather, she felt colder and emptier having heard them from Kate. "Theres something missing in me," she said quietly. "First my dad saw it. Whoever the hell he is; he must have taken one look at me and run. And lets not even discuss my loving mother. Im . . . easy to leave. Why is that?"
Kate scooted down the couch, leaned against Tully just the way they used to, all those years ago on the banks of the Pilchuck. The snack box poked into her back and she pulled it out from behind her and tossed it onto the messy, newspaper-strewn coffee table. "Theres nothing missing in you, Tully. Its the opposite, in fact. Youre more than most people. You are really, really special, and if Chad didnt see that—or couldnt wait for you to be ready for him—then he wasnt the guy for you. Maybe thats a normal problem when youre with an older guy. Hes ready to land when youre just taking off. "
"Thats true. I am young. I forgot about that. He should have understood that and waited for me. I mean, if he really loved me, how could he have left me? Could you leave someone you loved?"
"It depends. "
"On what?"
"If I thought he was ever going to love me back. "
"How long would you wait?"
"A long time. "
That made Tully feel better for the first time since shed read the note from Chad. "Youre right. I loved him, but I guess he didnt love me. Not enough anyway. "
Kate frowned. "Thats not exactly what I said. "
"Close enough. Were way too young to get tied down by love. How could I have forgotten that?" She gave Kate a hug. "What would I do without you?"
It wasnt until much later, after a long and sleepless night, as Tully lay in bed watching another day dawn through the window, that her own words came back to her, haunting in their intensity. Easy to leave.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
From the moment Tully took the new job, Kate found herself watching her friends life from a distance. Month after month passed with them living separate lives, connected only by place. By the following summers end, their tiny apartment, once the container of their lives, had become something of a way station. Tully spent twelve hours a day, seven days a week, working. When she wasnt technically at work, she was chasing down leads and following stories, trying like hell to do something—anything—that would put her in front of the camera.