“What’s going on, buddy?” Benny bangs me on the back, trying to shake me from my mood. This guy has been my support since high school, ever since that night, he always will be. “You okay?”
“J… Jill,” I stammer. I can be honest with Benny because he knows it all. “Beverly just told me that she is back. She’s back in town which means… I might see her. I might have to talk to her.”
He gets it more than anyone else ever could. He even went to the same college so we’ve been through a lot over the years. He even knows that Jill and I were together that night. One night I got drunk and told him everything and he didn’t judge me. He has only ever been a sounding board for me, which is why he is my friend.
“That sucks. I don’t know what to say.” He shakes his head. “That’s hard. What are you going to do? I suppose you are going to have to have some kind of conversation, aren’t you?”
I shudder at the idea. “No. I’m not talking to her. I don’t have anything to say to Jill. I’m not going to see her.”
“Really?” Benny gives me that look. “Because you guys really shared something back then, didn’t you? It might do you good to talk about everything. It might help you, don’t you think?”
He mentioned talking about things in the past, but it’s never a conversation that ends well. I don’t feel like talking about my problems.
“I don’t need to talk. I need another drink.” I chug the rest of my drink. “You want one?”
Benny looks on at me sadly as I head back up to the bar. I can feel his judgment rolling through me. I’m going to ignore it, just like I always do. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. They don’t get it…
By the time I get back to the table, I’m grateful to see that Benny has another idea. “Look, I’m sorry for what I said. I shouldn’t have suggested that you talk to one another. I think it will be simple for you to avoid one another. Like you said, it’s been years.”
“Exactly.” I manage a smile. Almost a genuine one. “That’s what I mean. I can just avoid her.”
And that’s the mantra that I want to keep. By last call, it’s hard for me to walk straight. In fact, it’s a challenge for me to keep up right at all, but I decline Benny’s offer to walk me home. I don’t want to go home yet. There is someone I need to see tonight.
I don’t like heading towards the graveyard, it isn’t a place that I go to regularly, even if I need pay my respects to Sadie. But tonight, I need her.
Maybe I don’t come once a week on Sunday like my mother does, but I’ve been back since the funeral. Yet as I walk towards the head stone with my sister’s name on it, it feels like it’s the same damn day. I ran away from the burial, when I yelled at Jill and said those hurtful things. I made an ass out of myself in front of everyone who wanted to say goodbye to Sadie Willis.
God, now that is a day that I would love to forget. The same shame and guilt is still with me. The buzz isn’t helping me. Fucking hell, what am I doing here? Why not just go home?
Yet even knowing that I should leave, I don’t. I’m crying before I even take a seat in front of the grave. Weeping like a fucking baby.
“God, Sadie,” I groan as I rub the area of ground where she is underneath. “I really wish that you were here. I mean, I wish that every single day which is probably why I don’t visit here as much as I should. It isn’t because I don’t care, or I don’t think about you… it’s just because it’s too much for me.”
I lean forward and rest my head on my arms, trying to hide the endless tears. I hate being weak. Before Sadie passed away, I found it easy to show my emotions to anyone, but after she died, I locked it all away.
“I’m sorry, Sadie. Sorry that you died. Sorry that we fought. I’m sorry for betraying you with your best friend. I’m just… sorry… for all of it.”
Nothing has helped with the guilt. I thought the day that the guy got locked away would help, but it didn’t. I know that he got what he deserved, and according to the law, justice has been served, but it isn’t enough. It doesn’t bring my sister back.
“Jill is back in town, and I don’t know what to do,” I admit. “Sorry, I know that you probably don’t want to hear her name come out of my mouth, but I need to speak to someone about this. We could…” I gulp, hardly able to breathe. “We could have been something. I think I didn’t tell you because I thought it would change us. But, I still haven’t found that same kind of love again. I don’t know if I ever will. But I can’t have her, we can’t come back from what we went through. Besides, I’m doing good now. There’s no need to change that. But her being back here… well, it’s going to change things, isn’t it?”