We don’t get to talk much more because it’s time for the funeral to begin. I already know that this part is going to be difficult for me, so many memories are flooding back, but I will get through it. I will be a support to Jill even if I’m not next to her in the church.
All me and Jill have ever wanted is to be together, I feel like we have been fighting for that for years, but it hasn’t ever worked out. Something has always come between us. For now, there isn’t anything that I can do but wait. Wait and head into the church behind everyone else, to support Jill from a distance.
The funeral is a nice service, but I suppose it always is. The priest can separate himself from the human hurt behind all of this, but when you’re a part of it, you can’t. You’re in the middle of it all, on auto pilot, soaking in every kind word but not feeling any better.
But it isn’t about me this time. I can be upset, and I will be because Paul was always a great man who didn’t deserve to die. But I’m not worried about my feelings today. Not when there is someone else so much more important. I might be seated at the back with people who I don’t know but my eyes are only on her. She’s holding it together more than I expected of her which makes me proud, but I still want to be with her.
Eventually, we have to head outside for the burial part of the service which is what I’m dreading the most. I couldn’t handle it with Sadie, but I can’t act the same again. Whatever feelings it drags up.
***
“Sadie,” I gasp out as I lean back against her headstone with my eyes tightly closed. “That was hard today. Really hard. Another funeral, another load of sadness. Urgh, does it ever end?”
It’s really gutting that she isn’t here with me. I would love to hear Sadie’s advice right now, I’m sure that she would be a smart ass to bring levity to the situation, and we need that.
“Sadie, what do I do now? What do I do about Jill, huh?” The sadness is rolling off of me. “I don’t know what she needs. Mom told me to wait until she asks me to be in her life, but I’m finding it really hard. I don’t know how to be away from her. I just… I want to hold her, you know. I want to be the person that she relies on when everything goes wrong. I thought that I was that, but she’s gone now, and I am here talking to you.”
I know what Sadie would tell me, that I should be at the memorial service already, seeing if I’m needed, but that still doesn’t make me want to go. I feel like space is the best thing I can give her right now.
“I love her, Sadie, and that’s the problem,” I sigh once more. “I love her, and I can’t be with her. I have always wanted to be with her, and I can’t. Do you think that means it won’t ever happen? And what if she runs again? I can’t help but think that she’s going to leave this town again. I mean, she was only here for her dad anyway. To take care of him and everything. There might not be any reason for her to stick around now.”
Me. I want her to stick around for me. That’s what I would love more than anything else in the world, but I can’t ask for that. I don’t know if what I can provide for her is enough. There is no guarantee. We might have a lot of love for one another, but love isn’t always enough.
I have always thought that the love Jill and I shared was different somehow, more powerful maybe, but I guess it might not be. I guess no love might be able to survive what we have been through.
“I don’t know, Sadie. I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to do. This is so hard. I think I’m going to just have to take a step back and wait. Wait for Jill to be ready for me.…”
Sadie would know what to say. She would be able to tell me what to do if she had accepted my relationship with Jill then. No one knew her better than her best friend in the world. Sadie would know exactly what Jill is thinking and how she feels.
***
I don’t know what Jill expects of me until she finally returns to work. Seeing her in the office again is strange. It suggests to me that she’s recovering, which is great. But she still keeps her distance. She waves at me across the room and doesn’t make a bee line for me all day long.