How am I going to tell Garrett when things are so weird between us?
The doctor gives me all of the information that I need and arranges an appointment for me with the obstetrician, but I hardly hear any of it. I’m a mess…
***
I’m in the office at work. Physically, I mean. Mentally, I don’t know where the hell I am. I didn’t even bother to go home and get changed after my appointment, I just came straight to my office in my sweatpants and everything and sat down at my computer screen, doing hardly anything.
“Are you okay?” Sam, who works in the accounting department with me, asks. “Do you need anything?”
“Huh? What?” I blink at him a couple of times. “Oh, no I’m fine thank you. Just… thinking…”
“Are you sure?” He doesn’t take the hint that I don’t want to talk to him, and he perches on the edge of my desk. “Because you look very pale. You were at the doctor this morning, right? Is everything alright?”
Hot tears burn behind my eyes. I don’t want them to fall in front of Sam. I don’t want anyone at work to figure out that I’m a mess.
“I’m okay. I don’t feel one hundred percent, but I will be fine.” I smile thinly. “It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure? Because you know that you can talk to me if you want. That’s what I’m here for?”
He cocks his head to one side and smiles sweetly at me. Sam is a nice guy, very sweet, but I don’t intend to open up to him. I don’t want anyone to know, least of all anyone at work.
Oh God, Garrett doesn’t know. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him yet.
“I know, but I’m good.” I’m trying to be firm with Sam now. “Thank you very much I appreciate it.”
“You know, there is something that I want to talk to you about…” he continues, not taking the hint. “I hope you don’t mind…” He’s gone bright red which is a little weird. “But I wanted to know if maybe I could perhaps take you out for a drink some time… if you’d like?”
What the hell? I don’t really register what he’s asking me. I don’t mean to be dismissive of Sam at all but there is a strange prickle running up the back of my neck. I can sense something… oh my God, I can sense him. I don’t know how I can tell but I just know. Garrett is here.
“Excuse me.” I move past Sam, the heat draining from my body. “I just need to… to speak to Garrett about something…”
Am I going to tell him? Is that the plan? I honestly have no idea but his eyes lock on mine and he can sense me coming towards him. He knows that I want to speak to him, and he stiffens in preparation. I guess that makes sense. I mean, I haven’t exactly talked to him in a while now, so this must be strange.
“I need to speak with you,” I whisper. But with the effect that my voice has on him, I might as well have been yelling. He flinches but nods sharply. “Can we go somewhere private?”
We find ourselves in one of the hallways. Not the most private place, but there isn’t anyone around so it will have to do. I sigh and keep my eyes fixed on the floor because he’s hard to look at.
“What’s going on?” Garrett asks me with a tremor in his voice. “You look sick. Are you sick?”
“I… I…” There are so many ways I could get this out in a calm and considered manner, but my brain is already darting everywhere. My breaths are thick and labored, I might pass out. “I don’t…”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Garrett tells me kindly. He reaches out and lightly touches my shoulder. “Whatever you have to tell me, I’m here. Whatever it is… I’m your friend”
The only problem is, this isn’t an issue which requires him to be a friend. I need him to be… well, I want him to be the man who has always been the love of my life. The man who I was supposed to have a future with.
“I’m pregnant.” I fold my arms protectively across my chest as the words spill out of my mouth. That probably isn’t as kind as I would have liked, but still… it’s out there. “I found out today.”
The color drains from Garrett’s face and he takes a slight step back from me. I can see him already distancing himself from me, pulling himself away, freaking out. I might be freaking out myself, but I can’t walk away from this. He can if he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He doesn’t look like he does, to be fair, he looks like this is really stressing him out and he’s only just found out. I need to run, I need to leave, for him. I will be the one to go…