The Freshman (College Years 1)

Definitely don’t want to talk about her either.

“If you don’t talk about shit, you just let it build up and fester inside of you. How healthy is that?”

“What do you know about healthy relationships?” I throw at him.

“My parents. They’ve been together over twenty years. They love each other,” he explains. “My dad has never done my mom wrong, and she’s never done him wrong either. They love and support each other.”

“Then why are you so messed up? Out with a different girl every night, when you’ve got one standing right in front of you, wanting to be with you. Shit, you’ve got two,” I say, thinking of Baylee and Gracie.

A flicker of emotion shines in Caleb’s eyes, but otherwise, nothing. “I’m not ready to tie myself down yet. That’s nice and all, a forever kind of relationship, but I’m young. And wired differently than the rest of you. I won’t settle down until I’m forty.”

“Forty.” I snort. “Please.”

“My problems are not the issue right now,” Caleb says. He points at me. “Yours are. What are you going to do about Hayden?”

“I don’t know,” I say truthfully. Maybe I should let her approach me first. She’ll tell me she’s not interested in me anymore, and she’s ready to move on. Just like they all do.

My parents. My first girlfriend. Now Hayden. They’re all the same. They leave me. The only people I can count on are my friends and my teammates. That’s it.

They’re all that matters.

Maybe I’m thinking unfairly and I need to give Hayden a chance to explain, but I can’t help it. People leave me. People shit all over me. As I’ve gotten older, I prefer beating them to the punch versus letting them punch me with their rejection.

It’s easier that way. Does that make me fucked up? Probably.

But it’s like I can’t help myself.

“Don’t give her the upper hand,” Caleb says. “That’s what you did to Sophie. You never said a goddamn word so, of course, she ended it. When you knew she was getting ready to leave, you never protested, you never begged her to stay, nothing.”

“She wasn’t going to stay,” I say dryly. “Her mind was already made up. She wanted to go to that school. Her parents were encouraging her. It was an opportunity she couldn’t pass up. I wasn’t going to stand in her way.”

“Do you know what she told Hannah before she left?” Caleb asks me. He slaps a hand over his mouth the second the words left him. “I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

“Now you have to tell me.” I sit up straighter, curiosity filling me. I want to know. I deserve to know.

Caleb sighs and hangs his head, speaking to the table. “She would’ve tried a long-distance relationship with you. She really wanted to. She was in love with you, but once she told you about the other school, and how she was leaving, she said it was like you shut down completely.”

It’s true. I did shut down. It’s what I usually do when they leave. What’s the point in acting like I care when they clearly don’t?

“If you’d shown even a glimmer of caring, she would’ve jumped on it. You two could’ve had a relationship. Long distance, which sucks, but she was totally willing. She loved your sulky ass, and you let her go,” Caleb says.

“She didn’t love me,” I start, but Caleb shakes his head, and I go silent.

“She did. She told Hannah that again and again,” he says.

“Right and Hannah told you?” Most of the time, Hannah thought we all sucked, and she was right. We did.

Well, I didn’t. I told Jake to go for her. I’m not like these assholes. I don’t need to brag and shout and show off. I just do what I need to do and keep going.

“Jake told me. He was worried about you. We all were.”

I send Caleb a scathing look, hating how fucking logical he sounds when, normally, Caleb is anything but. That’s my role. “When did you suddenly get so wise?”

Caleb laughs. “I’m not wise. Not even close. I just listen. I’m open to what people have to say. I’m not ready to cut them off and ice them out when I think they don’t care anymore. It goes both ways, Tony. I know you’ve got some issues, and I think they’re all tied in to your shitty parents. You want to feel wanted, but the people in your life want to feel wanted by you too.”

I remain silent, staring at him.

“Your friends feel the same way. We care about you. Don’t ice me out when I’m saying something to you that you don’t want to hear,” he continues, his voice soft.