He snorted and moved aside. I walked past him, inside the foyer.
I hadn’t been there in years. Our every meeting took place somewhere neutral, like a bar, or my office. I finally realized why that was: I wasn’t welcome at the house. I’d never been welcome there. I stood awkwardly, waiting for him to direct the way. He gestured toward the sitting room. Closest to the front door. He wanted this over as fast as possible.
In, then out.
I sat down on the cold leather sofa. Flashbacks of being yelled at for entering this room, back then Dad’s office, flooded through me. Me hiding upstairs with Alex huddled in my arms as we tried to block out Mum’s screaming as dad beat the shit out of her for ‘not controlling her sons’.
“Drink?” my father asked, holding a bottle of scotch. I nodded. He handed it to me wordlessly and sat down opposite me. “What can I do for you?” His voice was formal, as though he were talking to a business college, not his son.
I toyed with the glass in my hands, trying to string together the words I wanted to say in my head. Instead, they sat there in a jumbled mess. Taking a deep breath, I began to speak.
“I want to know why,” I said simply. The words could have meant anything, but my father knew exactly what I was talking about. Why had he never loved us? Why had we been nothing but a burden to him since the day we were born? And finally, why had he driven our mother away?
Dad stood up and walked over to the window. “Why,” he repeated, glancing out over the gardens. “I do love you both. I don’t expect either of you to believe that, but it’s the truth.” He turned to face me, his eyes cold. “I wasn’t a good husband to your mother, and I know you know that. I never knew how to be a father before she left, but after, things got harder. It just became easier to lock myself away with my work.” He took a sip of his drink, studying the contents of his glass. “You boys blamed me for your mother leaving, and rightly so, but all I saw when you looked at me was hate.”
“I was nine. I was a fucking child and you beat my mother until she couldn’t take it anymore. You broke her so badly that not only did she hate you, she hated us because we were part of you,” I yelled. I threw the glass down on the table, the amber liquid spilling over onto the wood. I walked toward the door. I’d heard all I needed to.
“Jack.”
I turned around. “No. Just don’t. You said you have no sons, well as far as I’m concerned, I have no father.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
The fresh air hit me as I climbed out of the car. My heart was pounding. If confronting my father was hard, then the next thing on my list would be near impossible: saying goodbye to Belle. It was so final. There was no going back after that, only forward. I had so much to say to the girl who changed my life. So many regrets. So many things that I wished I’d done differently.
I wished I had told her how much I loved her. I wished I’d embraced those feelings instead of fighting them. I wished I hadn’t pushed her away. Most of all, I wished she was still there with me.
Her grave sat high on the hill of the cemetery, overlooking a small lake. It was a pretty spot, one I knew she would’ve loved. I sat down next to her, my guitar by my side. I had made her a promise that when I finished her song, she would be the first to hear it—and that was a promise I planned to keep.
“Hey baby,” I said softly. I was crying already. The tears had started before I’d even left the car. I’d never walked into a cemetery before, so I had no idea how to feel. The peacefulness this place held surprised me. “I’m sorry I let you down, Belle. I’m sorry I didn’t show you how much I loved you. I promised to play you your song, so here goes…I hope you like it. I’ve named it ‘Angel’s Song.’” I picked up my guitar and began to sing.
Walking round in circles, never reaching the end.
Time moving by me as I try to pretend.
Out of the shadows you stepped into my heart.
Your love filled the cracks that were breaking me apart.
Everything that is beautiful is caught up in you,
I’m so in to you baby, that this is what I wanna do,
These feelings make me nervous, it’s something so new,
But I’m into you darlin’ and I’m gonna see this through
Everything that is beautiful is caught up in you,
I was drawn to your eyes, so confident and sure,
Your warmth touched me deeply, down to my core,
When I saw your smile so beautiful, it was then that I knew,
Your love left me wanting, everything that was you.
I wish I’d have told you how much you meant to me,