Her shoulders tremble, and her chin drops. “Danny.”
Pulling her to me, I hold her against my chest, kissing the top of her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” She pushes out of my arms, searching for my eyes.
I rise off the bench and step forward, looking down over the glittering lights of the park. “It feels like my fault. Every day.”
She stands beside me, putting her hand in the crook of my arm. We’re quiet, watching the couples below walking from booth to booth. I have to tell her everything.
“A few weeks after it happened, I had this… moment.” Shaking my head, I correct myself. “I still have moments.”
Concern lines her face when she meets my gaze. “What do you mean?”
Turning to face her, I just tell her. “Some nights I’m right back in it. If I’m sleeping, it’s like the most vivid dream I’ve ever had. Running, shouting, violence… I’m fighting.”
“Post-traumatic stress.” Then she pauses. “Only if you’re sleeping?”
“It can happen when I’m awake, if someone surprises me. It’s only been a few times, but I’ve come close—”
“Have you hurt anyone?”
I shake my head no.
“Yourself?”
Again, no.
Her lips tighten and she nods. “I’ve studied PTSD. It will diminish over time.”
My arms cross over my chest, and I walk slowly away from her. “Will it? And how much time? What happens until then?”
She closes the distance between us, putting her hands on my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll help you.”
“It happened Sunday night.”
Her lips part, and she hesitates. “The night you were with me?”
“The night we were in the pool house.”
“I didn’t even know…” She steps away, confusion lining her brow. “Is that why you were gone when I woke up?”
“I was worried…” My throat tightens. “I always worry. What if I—”
I’m not sure I can say the words out loud. The shame of admitting what I might do shoots across my shoulders.
She puts a hand on my side. “What are you thinking?”
My eyes close, and I speak the words. “If I ever hurt you, Drew… if I ever hit you or injured you or put you in danger—”
“No!” She pulls me close again. “You never would. Don’t even say it.”
“I can’t do this.” Pain is in my chest as I confess. “I had to come back, to say goodbye to Danny, but I shouldn’t stay here. I didn’t mean to get so close to you again—”
“Stop saying this. You had to come back.” Her voice breaks. She’s crying, and it’s shredding my insides. “You promised me.”
My arms go around her, and I hold her so close to my chest. “I can’t protect you anymore, Drew. I can’t keep you safe when I’m the one who might hurt you.”
Her small body shivers, and her fingers tighten on my shirt. “You won’t hurt me. You never would. The only way you could hurt me is by leaving again.”