I was so overwhelmed with meeting with Dad for the first time since everything went down, and my guilt from the night before was consuming me. I just snapped. It broke his heart. I hated that, but I also remembered I hadn’t come to Lou’s in the first place to meet a guy.
But, oh my God, I still love him so much. Everyday I don’t see him at the gym or get to talk to him tears me apart, but I did that to myself. I’ve talked to Whitney about him and she insists I take all the time I need because he will wait for me. But what if he doesn’t? Then this would be yet another relationship I’ve selfishly thrown down the drain.
Nancy opened her doors to me. She didn’t question my outburst but listened as I poured my heart out to her. She apologized for springing this mess on me as soon as she did. She figured everything would be okay, and in a sense, so did I. I knew Dad was upset over how I walked out from lunch, and I fully planned on making it up to him when my mind was right again.
Two days later, Dad called Nancy asking if we would like to have dinner with him. Panic swept over me as I stood there thinking about whether or not I wanted to do this. I knew I needed to. This was a hurdle I had to clear. Living in the shadows wasn’t an option anymore.
Nancy cooked a cheesy ham and potato casserole for dinner. I helped her set the table whi
ch rarely got used. There was a fourth table setting, to even everything out. It hurt like hell because all I could think was that Garrett should be here sitting with us. I fixed everyone a glass of tea as we sat down to eat, trying to push away any thoughts of him.
Things get interesting when Dad asks, “Well, Raegan, what have you been up to?”
I bring the glass of tea to my lips and take a sip as I sort it all out in my head. I look him in the eyes before replying. “I joined a gym, Dad. I started training to fight in matches and every win gave my money to put in my shoebox. I worked hard for every penny.” He gapes at me, looking shocked. “Don’t worry Dad, I hardly ever lose.”
The shock disappears from his eyes and he smiles. I’m sure this wasn’t what he imagined his daughter doing, but he seems proud of me—even though I’d started fighting to protect myself against him. At least now he knows I wasn’t out selling my body.
He reaches into his wallet pulling out a blank check. “I want to pay you back, Rae. You worked hard for that money and I assumed wrong. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”
I gasp, absorbing his words and playing them over and over again in my head. “Dad, it’s okay.” But it’s not okay. It never was. Still, I’m willing to let things go. None of this is easy, but I can move on.
I expect him to drop the subject, but he doesn’t; he shakes his head, holding a pen poised over his checkbook.
“No, Rae. It’s not. I want to know how much was inside that shoebox. Please.” The desperation in his eyes is vivid, and his bottom lip trembles as though he might cry. My father, crying over this? I’m blown away, but I’m touched; maybe he really can see how much he’s hurt me.
“I-I had five hundred dollars inside the shoebox,” I stammer out my reply. Without pausing, he writes the check and passes it to me. The check is light, so light it could flutter away like the cash from my shoebox. But at the same time it feels so heavy. Maybe that heaviness is what’s in my heart—my shock at the changes I’m seeing in him. I can hardly believe what I’m seeing.
“Thank you, Dad.” My voice is small, edged with sorrow.
“You’re welcome, Rae.” The hope in his eyes is so clear I almost weep.
Throughout that visit, neither of us brought up James, thank you Jesus. I wasn’t ready to hash that one out. Dad and I continued to meet up over the course of this past month. Each time proved to be a little easier; he had his moments when the expression on his face was enough to send me coiling back into the corner. Bad days. That’s all they are. Those are the days I’m glad I can leave and go stay with Nancy, and no one has to see his dark side. The hardest part was when Nancy and I went to his anger management meeting where they all read a letter to someone they’ve hurt.
Nancy and I showed up at the meeting a few minutes after Dad had already been there. I was nervous to hear what he’d written and of course, I wished Garrett had been here for me but I had Nancy. We sat beside each other, hand in hand, nervous as hell. Dad stood up, identified himself, and read his letter.
My dearest love Nancy and my daughter Raegan,
I always thought I was the luckiest man to have you two in my life. Nancy, I can’t express how thankful I was to have met you when I did. Thank you for taking care of Raegan like she was your own. There is no excuse for how I’ve behaved these past few months. I deeply regret ever having hurt you.
After Christy, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to love again. I believed she was the one true love of my life until I met you, Nancy. I have to be honest, I never stopped loving her. You picked up the pieces of my heart that I didn’t know I still had and I’m so sorry. For the longest time, I hated God for ripping her away from me. I grieved her death for two years until I met you. Until recently, I realized I didn’t grieve like I should have. I found myself missing her so much. I took you for granted, Nancy, and now I only pray that God can forgive me. The day you left I knew I had messed up bad and I vowed to make it right. Being angry wasn’t going to bring Christy back and it did nothing but hurt you.
Unintentionally, I turned my anger toward Raegan, and I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven myself for that. I drank myself into such a stupor I treated her in the worst way possible. It hurt to look at Raegan and see so much of her mother Christy in her. I never meant to be angry and I never meant to hurt you, my sweet baby girl. I wish you could have met your mother, and been able to know her how I did. She would have loved you so much. All throughout her pregnancy all she talked about was being able to watch you grow up into a young woman.
I can never express how sorry I am for what I’ve done, but I can only hope the both of you can forgive me in time. I’m not sure how to define the turning point that brought me here. Maybe it was just realizing my actions or when I had my daughter arrested for something I’d started.
I will deeply regret that for the rest of my life. I want my marriage back and I want my daughter back. In time, and with continued support from everyone in this room, I believe I can have it again. I kept this short and sweet to keep from babbling. I just want you two to know how much I love you.
By the time he was done reading, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and his hands were trembling. Nancy had been sobbing uncontrollably, squeezing the life out of my hand the entire time. I’ve been waiting all these months to hear those words come out of his mouth. I am left speechless.
I couldn’t stop crying, and when he got up to meet us, we hugged and cried some more. As he talked about Mom and how he never fully recovered from her death, that killed me a little more inside. It still didn’t justify anything, but in a sense we were able to see a part of him we had been so curious about. The part that turned him into our worst nightmare.
Dad treated us to Dairy Queen after the meeting. We all got blizzards and sat around talking like the family we once were. In time, it would be awesome if they could work out their differences. I forgot how nice it was to see them together. They clicked so well. No doubt Nancy still harbored feelings toward him. Although it was nice to carry on conversation, it would take a long time before he had my trust again. I got the feeling he was willing to wait.
Seeing my chance, I spoke up, even though I was nervous as hell.
“Hey, Dad, I have a fight tonight…if you want to check it out.”
“I’d like to see you. Tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.”