Fix Me

“Not because she is blind. I don’t mind that in the least. Bree is, um, well, fragile. I’m not good with that. I can’t be an emotional support person. I want to be her boyfriend, or I want to be her caregiver in a medical capacity, but I don’t want to be the guy that feeds her other sickness.”

“What sickness would that be?” she asked, clearly growing more pissed by the second.

“She’s got some issues, Mel, you said it yourself,” I reminded her.

“She’s not exactly a basket case,” she shot back. “What spooked you? I watched you take care of her so lovingly. I watched both of you light up when you were around each other. You guys are good together.”

I owed her an explanation. I owed Bree an explanation as well, but I didn’t get the feeling she was in the right frame of mind to understand it. I had a feeling she would see it as an insult or somehow take on yet another burden.

“I came to California to get away from a situation that was very similar to what I find myself in today.”

“What does that mean? You fell in love with another blind woman?”

I hated talking about my personal life. “It was my mom. I was trying to get away from my mom.”

She was quiet for a few seconds. “Is it odd that Bree took a turn for the worse after your mother’s visit?”

“My mom wasn’t mean to Bree. She wasn’t great, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. Bree is taking it way harder than she should.”

“Bree isn’t usually so insecure. Why did you flee from your mom?”

“My mother is sick. All the time. She is sick but not physically ill. She wants to be sick. She wants to be sick because it keeps me at her beck and call. She manipulates me and guilts me into feeding what I can only describe as her mental illness. She makes herself sick. I’m not entirely sure how she does it, but she has gotten very creative. My entire life has revolved around her needs. I’ve never had a serious girlfriend or any real friends because my time and energy was devoted to her. She demanded it. My father walked out when I was young because he couldn’t handle the drama. My sister left the minute she turned eighteen.”

“You think Bree is your mom,” she said.

“No, I don’t think that,” I quickly answered. “I think Bree has a lot of issues that she needs help with, and it’s a type of help that I can’t give her. I don’t want to ever resent Bree. I don’t want to look at her with the same kind of resignation I look at my mother with. Listen, I know it isn’t Bree’s fault. I know she has some very real medical issues, but I don’t think I can be the guy that watches her go through it.”

Mel was quiet for several seconds. “Luke, if you would have known Bree before the accident, you wouldn’t feel like this. She is a strong, lively woman. That’s why this is so difficult for her. She was the kind of girl that was always on the move. She was vibrant and kind and just so damn good. I love her like a sister.”

“It isn’t that I don’t care about her,” I explained. “I do. Dammit, I do, but I just don’t have it in me to be the support she needs.”

“That is such a load of crap. Is this seriously because she didn’t sleep for a few days?”

I shook my head. “It isn’t just that. I see all those things you described about her. I see it and I just hate that she is shutting down right before my eyes. I want to shake her and tell her to choose to be happy. The surgery is right there. She has a way out and I don’t know how to make her take it.”

“Because you know it might not work. She is so afraid of being let down. She barely got through the first time she was told she was blind. It crushed her soul. Her father and I were on round the clock watch with her, worried she would hurt herself. Then she was told there was a chance for a surgery, and she was thrilled. She kept saying that she knew there was no way she would be blind. Then they told her never mind—no surgery. It was like she had been dropped from the sky with no parachute.”

I nodded. “She told me that, but this is different.”

“But it might not be,” she quietly said. “There is a chance it won’t work. That’s what has her freaking out. She wants the surgery. It was your doctor friend that put it off.”

“Because Bree is in no shape to go through a surgery and recovery that is going to require her to be in a good headspace.”

“Then help her get there,” she said firmly. “Don’t you dare run away from this. Not now. You get her through the surgery and then you can run away if you want. But right now, she needs you. She needs all of us, but she needs you the most.”

I blew out a breath. “I don’t know how to be there for her.”

“Look, the shit that happened with your mom, that’s an entirely different matter. Bree is not your mother. Separate the two. Don’t put your issues with your mother on her. She doesn’t need any more garbage dumped on her.”

“I’m not dumping my garbage on her.”

“Yes, you are. You are punishing Bree for your mother’s behavior. That isn’t cool.”

“I’m not punishing her.”

“You are. I mean seriously, Bree isn’t sleeping. Big fucking deal. You are making this into some big thing. Take a step back and try and look at it from a different angle. Take the rest of the day to pull your head out of your as

s and then get your ass back over there tomorrow.”