My stomach twists and I start hurrying to the door. As I get closer, my feet speed up even more. Soon I am running. People are turning to stare, but I don’t care anymore. I just want to be out of this ugly place with its ugly, ugly people doing ugly, ugly things to each other. Tears soak my eyelashes and run down my face.
He’s just a habit. A very bad habit. But even the worst habits can be broken. I will survive. I survived the hotel room. This is nothing.
But tears keep pouring down my face.
I run out of the club and suddenly find myself in the deserted parking lot. The night is so sultry it is almost muggy, but I feel cold and numb. My life seems like a dream that I’m walking through with my eyes closed. Making mistake after mistake after mistake. Ignoring every clue.
I look around me in confusion. How will I get home? I have no money. My hands are shaking. I bow my head to think and when I lift it, suddenly, and bewilderingly, I am surrounded by men. Where did they come from? Who are they?
I peer at them and they look like they are part of a stag night party because one of them is wearing a pair of felt antlers. He comes up to me and touches me. I freeze. Another touches my hand.
‘Come on, love. Give us a kiss.’
One of them takes a note out of his pocket. ‘Go on love, he’s getting married tomorrow.’
Another one says, ‘Come guys. Leave her alone. She’s scared shitless.’
> ‘Fuck off, Larry. It’s just a bit of fun,’ says the guy who took the note out of his pocket. And the rest of them laugh.
Somewhere in my head I realize that they think I am one of the strippers. That they are not going to hurt me. They just want to buy a kiss for the groom, but a kind of paralysis has swept over me and my whole body is in lockdown. I cannot move a muscle.
Only my eyes swivel over them in terror. And then the fear comes.
I am so exposed. So utterly vulnerable. They could take me. There are six. I want to scream. I want to run. But my body does nothing. I can’t understand what is happening to my body. I am frozen I have become petrified. Like those tree fossils from millions of years ago. It is incomprehensible and terrifying.
My purse has fallen on the floor and all the contents have fallen out. One of the guys comes really close to me. ‘What’s wrong, sugar? Are you all right? We’re not going to hurt you.’
His breath reeks of alcohol.
I look at him wordlessly.
‘Hey, look at that. She can’t move.’
He starts to laugh. Tears start rolling down my face. Daringly he touches my breast. And yet I can do nothing. He sniggers. ‘Shit, this chick is like a statue. We could take her home with us.’
The other guys crowd around me curiously. It is exactly like it was before. I was frozen and tears were escaping fast from my eyes and no one cared. They just went on doing whatever they wanted to me.
Suddenly there is a great roar and wind whooshes by me. I stare in shock as Shane punches the guy with the antlers and kicks the guy who wanted to take me home, to the ground. I have never seen the primal animal inside him, and I stare transfixed.
He is so achingly beautiful. Like an animal. No rules. Perfectly unfettered, free to extract whatever punishment he wants. There is no pretense, no nod to what is socially acceptable. He just surrenders to the beast inside him.
In the commotion the other men are screaming, ‘What the fuck?’
‘Hey, we didn’t mean her any harm.’
‘We didn’t fucking do nothing,’ is the cowardly defense to Shane’s fury and fists.
Two of them turn and run away. The bouncers appear and Shane is putting his arm around me.
He bends his knees and looks into my face. I just stare at him. He is white about the mouth. His hand is bleeding. He cups my face with his hands.
‘Are you all right?’ he asks. His voice confuses me. It is strange and different. As if he is speaking a different language.
I take a shuddering breath and open my mouth to say, yes, but no words will come out. I close my mouth.
‘It’s OK. It’s OK. I’m here,’ he says and crushes me to his chest. I am trembling so hard he pulls back and looks at me worriedly.
I know the bouncers are all around me, but I don’t see them. I know Shane is holding me, but I can’t feel it. Some one is picking up my things from the ground and putting them back into my purse. Shane gives his car keys to someone who brings the car right next to us. Shane opens the car door and puts me in it. We drive back to his home in complete silence. Once we get there he comes around and lifts me bodily from the car.