The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (With Cats!)

pretending to care about

your ex’s chalk art.

To a first date with whom you’re not remotely compatible but still desperately want to make out with

Career blogging? Well,

I’ve heard that field is really

blowing up right now!

To the lackluster first date whom you made out with anyway because you couldn’t face the loneliness of existence that Thursday

I liked you better

than I liked facing my own

crippling malaise.

To the girl who didn’t get your incredibly obvious flirtations that 110 percent signaled that you were into her

Inside the card are

emojis of a peach and

dancing bunny girls.

U-HAULING

If you’ve been trapped under a very large boulder for the last fifty years or so, you may be unaware of the most-told lesbian joke in existence, and probably really grateful to have escaped from under that boulder! In order to help acclimate yourself back into society, you’ll need to know that a lesbian brings a U-Haul to a second date because she enjoys displaying her prowess at parallel parking large trucks. And also because she’s moving in with you. Lesbians love to cohabitate—Double your supply of oolong teas! Quadruple your supply of fancy mustard!—yet with this great responsibility comes an even greater cable bill. Here’s how to cope with the urge to merge, the breakneck speed of a relationship’s progression, and the challenge of keeping the love alive even after you’ve witnessed her break down over rosemary-infused crackers at Trader Joe’s.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN A COHABITATING LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP

On your third date she

hands you the name of a good

couples counselor.

You can go shopping

separately and come home with

the same studded belt.

She knows where your jar

of PMS tea is and

doesn’t have to ask.

Her mother sends socks

to match the pajamas she

got you for Christmas.

You spend far more time