The Crush

“What are you guys doing?”

“Nothing. We’re done. We were just coming in,” Nathan said.

Her eyes moved between us before she went back inside.

I was on edge the rest of the night. I never finished my dessert, and although everyone moved to the living room to watch a movie, I couldn’t tell you one thing that happened in it.

There was only a month between now and Christmas. What if Farrah decided to go to North Carolina and accepted his proposal?

I had to at least try to get her back, to regain her trust. But that wouldn’t be possible until I learned to trust myself.

Before Dad and I left that night, Farrah stopped me in the driveway. “That song I was humming in the kitchen earlier tonight? Listen to the words. I played it a lot after you left. It reminds me of you…and of them…of everything.”

She ran back inside before I could ask her to elaborate. I thought about it the whole ride home, but didn’t want to play the song with Dad in the car, in case it made me lose it.

The second I got back to the house, I went to my room and pulled up the lyrics to “My Immortal,” desperately trying to decipher them as I played the song. It’s about feelings of abandonment and anger—unconditional love for someone who can’t return it. Depending on how you interpret it, the song could be about someone who died or someone who left unexpectedly.

You and them.

Me and her parents.

I played the song on an endless loop, and it haunted me the entire night.

Chapter 23

* * *

Farrah

Bouncing Kellianne’s baby in my arms, I looked down at her sweet face. Little Karma had just turned three months old. I’d only previously seen her in the hospital. It was the first time I’d visited my friend at home since she’d given birth. It was also the first time I’d filled her in on Jace’s return to town.

“How long is he staying?” she asked.

“Well, that’s the clincher. After all that, he went back to North Carolina a few days after Thanksgiving. He’s there right now.”

“Already?”

“Nathan said he wasn’t sure when or if he’d be back. Jace wasn’t specific.”

He’d been gone for a week. And he hadn’t bothered to say goodbye, although he’d called Nathan to tell him he was leaving.

“Are you upset?”

Adjusting the baby in my arms, I said, “I don’t know how I feel, Kellianne. I’ve been fucked-up ever since he returned, but his leaving so abruptly brought back some bad memories.”

“How do you know he’s not returning?”

“I don’t, but the bigger problem is…why am I so damn concerned? His coming home was my biggest nightmare for so long. I guess I was just getting used to the idea of having him back in town. I’ve loved the fact that he and my brother found a way to renew their friendship. That made the stress of his return worth it.”

She folded some of her daughter’s clothes from a basket of laundry. “Have you told Niles about your past with Jace?”

“Yeah. A while ago. That was a mistake. He was the biggest asshole to Jace’s dad over Thanksgiving.”

“What made you tell him?”

“He kept calling me out for acting strangely. He thought I was cheating on him. I’m done lying about stuff. Life is too short. Nothing is ever gained from hiding the truth. I told him everything, and I assured him it didn’t mean anything anymore, that it was a long time ago. But I think it made him insecure. To make matters worse, I’ve been a mess ever since Jace left. Niles can sense that, too.”

Kellianne sighed. “You still have feelings for Jace. That’s all I know.”

There was no denying it. “His coming back made me realize that no matter what happened between us, first and foremost, Jace is still my family. And even though his return wasn’t easy on me emotionally, it’s felt like getting a piece of my family back. That’s where I feel safest with Jace at this point—keeping him in that space and not…”

“Not giving him your heart.”

“He broke it. But I still care so deeply for him. Just not enough to trust him that way again.”

“Yeah. I get it.” She took a fidgeting Karma from me and placed the baby on her breast as she grabbed a Boppy pillow.

The baby immediately latched on.

I smiled at the sight of my friend breastfeeding her little one. “She’s so precious, Kel.”

Kellianne looked down at Karma. “Someday you’ll have one of your own.”

“Hopefully not any time soon. I need to finish school once and for all. But yeah…someday.” I sighed “I want to give a child the kind of life I had as a kid. I want to experience those days again through the eyes of my children. I just need to get my shit together first.”