“But it isn’t.” He launched himself off the bed and strode toward her. He bent down and grasped her hands, his silver eyes pleading with her. “You have to believe that.”
“I believe that you believe that. But I will always blame myself, and I can’t stop that. I’m sorry.”
Her Alpha cursed and then tugged on her hands. “What are you trying to tell me here?”
Caia heaved another sigh. “That night … we … well …”
“Had sex,” he offered bluntly.
She nodded and continued. “Yes. It was—I was scared and sad, and you were there making me feel safe again. I wanted to be with you, I want you to know that.”
She felt his hands stroke her skin softly, seductively, and had to fight from shivering.
“I want you too,” he said.
“Don’t. That’s not where I’m going with this.”
“Then where are you going with this?”
She decided to be just as blunt with him. “Not telling me about the mating was the last straw with you, Lucien.”
He tensed and she caught the angry fear in his lupine gaze. “What does that mean?”
“I was a pawn for my mother, for my uncle. I’m even a pawn for the Daylights, I’m not stupid. I’m their ultimate weapon. But that night, I realized I was pawn for you too—”
“Caia, no—”
“Yes. I was, Lucien!” She threw him off, standing up and pacing away from him. “You kept everything to yourself when you had months to tell me. And you didn’t even have an excuse because by then, you knew me. You knew me. And you didn’t trust me. You wanted to control me like you control the pack.”
“That’s not even close to the truth!” he yelled, his whole body thrumming with anger. She was pushing him to his limits.
“I don’t take it personally, Lucien,” she replied calmly. “It’s what an Alpha does. It’s who he needs to be for the good of his pack. And again … I forgive you.”
His tension eased. “Then you will …”
Caia shook her head. “I can’t be with you like that. All my life my choices have been taken away from me. Sent away from the pack. Brought back to the pack. Hidden from the truth. I won’t have that choice taken from me too. And I won’t have my choice to go to the Center taken away from me either. Even though Marita wants me for Daylight ends, I can’t see the wrong in that. I can protect the pack, and every other Daylight creature, by going to the Center and becoming the best I can be and taking down the bastards who have stolen my choices from me. You got to kill Adriana and avenge your father. Well, I want to avenge my father.”
“By leaving me, by leaving the pack?”
Caia nodded. “After Jaeden is safe and home, I’m leaving with Marion.”
Lucien made a choking noise, his hand clenched in his hair in frustration. “Caia, do you not know what this means? This will destroy the pack as we know it. This will lead to a Lunarmorte after my death. The pack will be in disarray.”
Her heart cracked a little at his argument. “Because you can’t have children with anyone but me?”
She didn’t need him to answer, and he didn’t. What had she been expecting? Of course his family line was the most important factor here! Not declarations of love. She wasn’t even sure she loved him, so why should he say it to her? And would it make her stay? She didn’t want to contemplate the answering yes that was buried in the back of her mind.
“I’m sorry, Lucien,” her voice cracked. “I have to put the good of all before the pack.”
He snorted. “How heroic.”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what? You’re drunk on your power and nothing else matters.”
Caia flinched. How could he think that? “I guess you don’t know me very well,” she whispered.
Lucien chuckled, low and incredulous, and when he looked at her again, his eyes were flat and emotionless. He had never looked at her like that before. “I guess I don’t. But you don’t have to worry about me interfering with your plans. The pack means everything to me, and I won’t have anything to do with someone who puts it last. I don’t want a mate like you. Not ever.”
A fierce, sharp pain throbbed in her chest.
After a moment of staring into those blank eyes, Caia numbly turned from him, pulled his shirt carefully over her head, and replaced it with Sebastian’s. When she turned back, Lucien remained like stone, his eyes not even flickering over her change.
“We have one thing left in common, Lucien. And that’s our desire to get Jaeden back. Can you do this one thing with me?”
He nodded sharply, militantly, and resumed Alpha mode. “I’ll call the others in.”
His heart was beating ferociously, and he hoped the others couldn’t hear. As they sat in the motel room going over their plans, Lucien was near sweating with the exertion it took to remain cool and aloof. The others were all aware of the tension in the room, of the cool politeness he was showing Caia. He could feel Ryder’s worried gaze and tried to shrug it off.