In fact, I have no idea how I am reacting myself.
Motherhood?
“Chloe,” Noah says. “You look like a complete mess. What’s going on?”
“Dude,” Enzo says, shooting him a look of distaste for his word choice. But I’m not offended.
Noah is right: I do look a mess. I haven’t slept well in weeks, I feel nauseous, but it isn’t morning sickness that is bothering me. It’s the uncertainty I feel in the pit of my stomach.
“Would you like some tea?” Mason asks.
I shake head. “No, I just have to say it or I’ll chicken out,” I admit.
That causes all the guys to look at me with concern. My breathing is shallow and I look down at my hands, seeing that they are trembling. I don’t think I have ever been so nervous before.
How were we not more careful?
“What is it, babe?” Mason says, putting his hand on my back, trying to calm me, but it’s useless. Tears prick my eyes, and I blink, wanting to wash them before they fall. It doesn’t work. And the emotions welling up in me get the guys’ complete attention. Ethan and Noah move from the other couch and come sit on the floor next to Enzo, Mason, and me.
“You have to tell us, we can’t help otherwise,” Ethan says.
He’s right, of course. The room is so still you could hear a pin drop, the crashing ocean waves feel a million miles away, and all that is here, now, is this circle of trust, of love. This circle with my men.
But it feels so fragile. Our hearts buoyed together, knit so close but this revelation will change all that.
Will change everything.
“You’re starting to scare me, Bella,” Enzo says quietly, his hand resting on my knee.
I don’t know who to make eye contact with. I don’t want to hurt anyone. So I look down, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear and gathering my courage.
I’ve been so nervous, but now the words tumble from my mouth. “I’m pregnant.”
The confession is followed by complete silence. And that, more than anything, scares me the most. Enzo’s grip on my knee tenses, Mason’s hand on my back stills.
And I look up, scared of what I’ll find. My men running for the door? A fight over whose baby this is? Anger over my carelessness when taking the pill?
I cover my face sobbing now. I feel the nonverbal conversation happening around me, and that makes me cry even harder.
This was not the plan.
My shoulders heave as I cry, and all I can think is that I am hurting too many people with this news. Only one of them is the father and what will that truth cause? A falling out between us all?
I just want things to stay the same, forever. My life is finally making sense but now only one thing is certain: This truth changes everything.
“Chloe, sweetie, shh,” Mason says, trying to soothe me. His hand moves again, circles on my back. “Can you move your hands?”
I try to stifle my cries as I lower my hands, knowing I’m nothing but a snotty mess. Ethan hands me a tissue and I blow my nose. I know girls are supposed to be all dainty and cute around their guys but anything fake about me fell away a long time ago. With these four guys, I am my most real, most authentic self, but right now I am unnerved.
What if this pregnancy changes how they see me? What if the woman I am is no longer the woman they want?
“Chloe, it’s okay,” Enzo says, reaching for my hand. “You don’t need to cry, Bellissima.”
I bite my bottom lip, trying to steady myself.
“A baby?” Noah says, his voice revealing his shock. “You’re really pregnant?”
“Dammit, Noah.” Mason shoots him a bruised look. “This is amazing, Chloe.”
“When did you find out?” Ethan asks. When I look at him I see his dark eyes covered in clouds of grey.
“Today. I took a test. So, I haven’t seen a doctor or anything. I had to tell you guys, obviously.”
“Right,” Noah. “Of course.” As he says it, he runs a hand over his jaw as if absorbing my words.
Mason wraps his arms around me. “Baby, I’m so happy for us. This is incredible.”
I pull back. “You aren’t mad?”
He laughs. “Sweetie, of course, I’m not mad.” Mason presses his hand to my fit belly, a grin on his face. “You are growing a person. I just never expected this right now.”
“This is why you’ve been so tired and haven’t been feeling well,” Enzo mentions, observant as always. “You’re probably going to be too tired to work for a while.”
“This is insane,” Noah says. “I mean ... who’s the father?”
I watch his shoulders tense. He stands and begins pacing the room, clearly with a lot on his mind. We all do.