More Than Him
“Please. Yes. That would be amazing.” I take a deep breath looking forward to the future ahead.
“I am assuming you are going to be needing childcare as well.”
“Yes, that would be correct.”
“Well, when you get closer to the date, we will tackle that. What do you think?”
“I agree. Thank you so much.” When I walk out of the building, I have tons of brochures, business cards of people I should contact and more than hope. So why is there still a bit of an ache?Chapter FiveLailaniThree Months LaterI have never been so exhausted in my life. Even when I was sixteen years old, going to high school full-time and working full-time trying to support myself and my mom, I wasn’t this tired. However, being sixteen weeks pregnant, working and going to school, is harder than anything. I find myself barely making it out of bed in the morning. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing I am working to make a better life for myself and little peanut. I smile rubbing my stomach, as I grab all of my stuff to get ready for class. No one can tell yet that I am pregnant, it's barely the size of a soccer ball, but I can tell. I can definitely see the difference in my body and feel it. Everything about me is different. My breasts are bigger and so sensitive, so sensitive in fact, that all it takes is a pinch or two, a vision of him on top of and I am flying high. Yea, that sensitive.
When I look in the mirror, I barely recognize my body. My abdomen is expanding, widening my hips. When I went to the doctor a few days ago for my check up and ultrasound, she asked me if I wanted to know. I found myself about to look for my phone to ask him if he wanted to know, and then I remembered that he has nothing to do with this. I am doing this alone. So, I looked at her and said yes. I want to know if I am carrying my son or daughter under my heart. It doesn’t matter to me which, but I want to be able to find joy in thinking of names. She looked into her monitor and told me I was having a boy; I couldn’t help but feel sad and happy. I am sad for the little baby boy who may never know his father. Well, at least not in a be there everyday sort of way. But happy for me because it’s my baby. I find myself rubbing it all day, wondering what he is going to look like. Is he going to have Dun’s charcoal colored hair and blue eyes? Or will he have my chocolate colored hair and gray-ish gold eyes? Will he have my heart and his father's persistence?
Looking at my clock, I realize I am going to be late if I don’t get out of la-la land and get moving. Today I have an exam in my critical thinking class and I barely got any sleep studying for it. Walking down the street, I watch as mother’s take their babies, strolling down the sidewalk, strollers rolling in front of them so happy and serene. I wonder how many of them are doing it alone. Can you still be so happy and at peace being a single mom?
Walking into the building, I put it all out of my mind and focus on the endgame. Passing this test and passing in life. “Good afternoon class,” my professor says. “I take everyone has prepared for today?” We all nod our heads, anxious to get it over with. “Good. The tests are going around. As soon as you get it, you may start. When you are finished, turn it in, and you may go. There will be no class today.” Thank God, I can’t help but think. That means since it is my day off, I can go home and grab a nap before dinner.
I have no idea how long the test takes me, I don’t bother looking at the clock, but all I know is how happy I am when I turn it in and walk out the building. I decide to take the long way back today, needing more time in the sunshine and fresh air. I love walking through the park, somedays, watching all the children laugh and play as they swing and run and just enjoy being children. I want that for him, my peanut. That is what all this work is for. To give him a childhood where he has to worry about nothing but being a kid. One who is loved and cherished. He will be my focus in life. Everything will be for him. Bzzz. I answer it without even looking. No need. No one has this number but Phillipa. “Hey hun.” I answer trying to sound happy and unfazed.