The one thing I'm not sure about is what to wear.
I've managed to put myself in a strange situation. If Aaron comes, he will open the door to my hotel room and expect what?
Sex immediately?
A long talk about what has brought us together?
I can't imagine what it is going to be like. I also have no idea about how I want our reunion to be. I've missed him so much that it almost didn't make sense to me. We've only known each other for a few days, and I know that sex can inflate feelings significantly, but this feels different. I crave him desperately, but I also want to know what he's thinking and what is in his heart.
I know we are good together sexually, great, even, but communicatively, not so much. Then again, maybe that's our problem. We need to get better at communicating.
I look at the outfits that I've brought with me; my favorite off-the-shoulder gray t-shirt and skinny black jeans, a relaxed, slouchy t-shirt dress in navy and white stripes, or the sexy slip that Maya emailed me a link for. I've never spent so much money on nightwear, but she is right; it really is something special; burgundy silk with pale pink lace trim, spaghetti straps, and a plunging v-back that goes right to the small of my back. It has tiny panties to match, with ribbons at the sides. I touch the fabric. It's beautiful and so soft. It's what I imagined wearing for him. I know if I choose it, it'll set the tone for what happens next between us.
Aaron has been using sex to keep women at a distance for years, and I don't want him to try that with me again, so I go with the slip and panties but put the striped dress over the top. I'll wear some armor against his usual methods and see if I can get him to open up to his fears and wants. That's if he shows up at all.
I glance at myself in the mirror and suddenly feel pathetic. I've basted myself like a turkey and spent money on frivolities that I can't afford, and it will probably all be for nothing. I've put my heart on the line, and there is a big chance that it is going to get bruised again.
But maybe not.
There is a chance that he will come, and even though that chance is small, I'm proud of myself for trying. My dad likes the phrase “nothing ventured, nothing gained,” and I know that it's true. As Maya said, I needed to be willing to take control of my life and know that even if I stumble, I'll be able to pick myself back up.
It gets to 5 pm, and I order a toasted sandwich from room service, eating it between yawns. It's now evening in England, and I'm feeling the time difference. I lie back on the bed and switch on the television, finding a rerun of Friends and settling in to watch it. I don't remember falling asleep, but I do, because I wake when the bed moves behind me, and I open my eyes to a dark room.
"Nicole," Aaron's voice whispers, and I turn my head quickly to find him lying behind me. His arm slips around my waist, anchoring me so I can't move to face him.
"You came," I say sleepily, feeling his lips against the back of my neck, kissing and nuzzling, and his hips grinding against my ass.
"So will you," he says, his hand moving down my leg until it reaches the bare skin of my thigh. Aaron tugs up my dress, pushing the slip with it until my lower half is exposed. He runs his fingers over the edge of my panties, fingering the ribbon that holds them together. My mind races as he slips his fingers under the satin, lower, and lower until he presses against my clit. "That's it, baby. This is what you want, isn't it?"
It is what I want, so badly I'm trembling, but I need to talk to him too.
"Oh," I moan as he pushes further, dipping into my opening, thrusting in deep.
"Fuck, you're so wet," he groans. "Have you been thinking about this? Getting yourself all worked up?"
I nod, trying to turn in his arms so I can see his face, but he holds me tightly, and I can feel his resistance to deal with anything other than sex. I'm filled with self-doubt, considering that maybe physical release is all that he wants from me? I've spent days thinking over our interactions, trying to understand what he's been feeling when we are together, and hoping that I'm not alone in wanting more. Has it all just been about sex for him?
But then I remember the way he trembled the last time we were together and how he ran away, and I reason that this is just a way of him keeping up his barriers. I hope I'm right.