The first time it happened, he tied my hands behind my back, tore my skirt right off because he didn't care to lift it. He pinned me face down on the desk in the cold room where he kept me. He ripped my panties clean from my body and slammed his cock into me with so much force, it brought tears to my eyes.
I remember how he kept telling me that I was a dirty slut, that I wanted it, liked it, needed it. I hated every second of it. I struggled at first, any woman would. But it made him fuck me harder because he enjoyed the fight.
As soon as he was ready to come, he pulled out, turned me around and come all over me like the whore he said I was.
Then he passed me over to his VP and the whole thing started all over again. I thought it would never end that night. For hours they stayed in that room taking turns raping me.
It happened every day with Crack after that night until I was rescued. I am so ashamed to say that once, I'm not sure how or why it happened because I struggled to get away from him, but he made me orgasm. It wasn't a hard or long orgasm, it ended as soon as it began. But the fact is he did make me come. He gloated, said he knew all along how badly I wanted his cock.
The second he was out of the door, I vomited, disgusted with myself and wishing for a fleeting moment that I was dead.
I have never been able to get that out of my head. I've never been able to understand why it happened, why my body betrayed me like that. I read up on it a while ago. It's said that even when being raped a woman can orgasm. Not because she likes what's happening to her or that she's enjoying it, but because it is a natural reaction. Your body goes in to fight or flight mode. It's chemical. It's why a woman can orgasm in her sleep.
It does not mean I wanted that to happen to me. It does not mean I gave my consent. I did anything but.
But how can I explain that to Hammer?
What if he thinks I wanted it?
Have more faith in the man you love, Willow. He would never think that about you. But if you're so worried, talk to your mom about it first. Tell her the truth, let her help you through this. If you don't talk about it, you will never be free.
I know. I know.
A hot shower and change of clothes later and I'm trying so damn hard to calm my racing heart. Something doesn't feel right. It's nothing to do with the nightmares and what happened to me in that cold room, but I think I'm feeling a little bit freaked about what's going on with the club right now.
I haven't seen Hammer in days. None of the men are ever gone this long without good reason. Or some reason to placate the women at least. But no one will tell me anything.
Why won't they tell me?
Even when I try to call him, I get no answer.
I'm really hot all of a sudden, my head is aching and my chest is so tight. I can't stop coughing. My stomach is turning over and over, I feel really sick. Like really sick.
I throw back the covers and jump out of bed, one hand on my mouth. I make it to the toilet just in time to vomit. It hurts my throat in ways it never has before. With my hand around my throat, my scar burns beneath it.
Have I done this to myself by worrying about the past?
Great.
The vomiting finally ends and I sink back on my ass between the sink and the toilet, my head resting against the wall. I feel out of breath, out of sorts. My stomach feels funny. Damn, I think I might have eaten something that didn't agree with me. Knowing my luck, I'll have food poisoning.
I need my mom.
I'm still a child inside when I'm sick, so fucking shoot me.
After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I drag myself to her room. I knock on Mom's door quietly with my knuckles. “Mom?” I whisper against the doorframe. I don't know if Shepard is home and I don't want to wake him if he is, but I want my mom.
Yeah, I'm a mama's girl, always have been. She's my best friend and I need her right now. I'm shaking with fever. I'm coming down with something, I can tell. I don't want to be ill right now, and maybe it's just a twenty-four-hour thing, but it seems to be taking over very quickly.
“Mom?” I call a little louder.
The door unlocks and opens to my mom pulling on her robe. I woke her, I didn't mean to. “Sweetheart, what's wrong?”
I make that face little kids make when they're not feeling well. The one that says, Hold me in your arms, Mommy. Hold me and make me feel better the way only you can.
She holds out her hand to me. “Oh, Will, come here.” She pulls me through the door and into her arms as she closes it behind me.
“I feel really sick. Where's daddy?” I notice he's not here again. I don't remember the last time he was here at night. What the fuck are they all doing?
“He'll be home soon. You're really hot, Willow.” I am? She presses the back of her hand to my head and it's dizzying. I stumble back. She grabs me. She's saying something but I can't hear her properly. It feels like I'm underwater all of a sudden. “Sit down.” I think she says, as helps me into the chair next to her window.
Oh, my god, my eyes are burning. They sting like all hell. I cough my guts up again and it hurts my stomach.
“Momma, I don't feel well.”
“I know, baby.” She hooks her arm under mine and tries to lift me, but even I know that I'm a dead weight. I'm too heavy for a woman of her small size.
“Baby, I need you home now.” I must have zoned out, I feel like my ears are just waking up from hours of sleep. “I'm really worried about Willow, Vincent,” Vincent, Shepard's real name. Only my mother ever calls him that and only when she's either angry or when it's just family. But not very often. These MC men go by their road names religiously. “She's burning up and wheezing when she breathes, coughing like crazy, and I think she's been sick. Somethings wrong, Vince.”
I must have fallen asleep again because I'm being shaken gently. But I swear to God, I have no energy. I can't even open my eyes as much as I'm being asked to.
“Maybe we should call a doctor?” The voice sounds familiar but I can't place it. My ears seem to be ringing. My body's zinging, but I can't feel anything at the same time. Then it all goes black and I feel at peace...
Dr. Collins gave me a full examination. Pneumonia, he said. I have pneumonia. How the hell did I get pneumonia? I haven't been feeling ill. I've had a bit of a cough the past couple of days but nothing serious.
The doctor said that it's not unusual, and I'm lucky to have caught it so early. It means I'll heal faster with a little rest and medication.
But then he told me that not only do I have pneumonia, I also have... a bun in the oven. I all but died when he told me that. I'm pregnant and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it. I feel so ill right now, and I just don't know how to deal with it.
How can they even tell at this stage?
Dr. Collins said that the blood tests revealed hCG which confirms my pregnancy, even at this very early stage of three weeks.
I'm not sure when I conceived, but it could've – most likely – been that first night Hammer and I were intimate. I should've made him wear a condom, I knew I hadn't been taking my contraceptive pill. It wasn't like I was having sex, and I was on a lot of pain medication for a while. Not that I was addicted to the stuff, they were a prescribed course. But I didn't even think about condoms and all that stuff. I had wanted Hammer for so long that I just wanted
to feel him, all of him.
It was dumb and stupid, but I love him so much, I always have, and he was finally mine. My man making love to me all night long. And every time after that it just felt right. Now here I am pregnant with his child... and he walked away from me.
That's right. The man I love walked away from me the moment the doctor said I was pregnant. I begged him to stay, but he didn't turn back. He left me in tears, my mother holding me as I cried.
I'm not sure whether or not he believes the baby is his, but it's killing me to think he would think I would cheat on him. I thought he knew me, I guess not.
He has to know the baby can't be Jordan's, we hadn't slept together in months by the time we ended things.
Or is it the fact he feels like he's betrayed Cindy somehow. Does he think that I've taken the life that should have been hers?
Of course, thinking that makes me feel guilty and I don't know what to do. Do I keep a baby that will be resented by its father, be the product of guilt, or do I end this pregnancy before it's really begun and save the man I love the pain it is so obviously causing him?
Would he really put me through all of that?
I guess I know deep down that he wouldn't make me do that. But right now, I'm not in the right frame of mind to think about this. I'm ill and my man walked away from me when I needed him the most.
Fuck my life!
I need to go to Cindy's grave. I need to talk to my best friend. I need her guidance. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I know she's not going to answer me, but I need her to know that I'm sorry. Sorry for what happened to her because of me, for loving her man, for carrying his baby, for stealing the life that should've been hers.
“He's just shocked, darlin'. This has happened very fast.”
“Yeah.” What else am I supposed to say to my mother right now? I feel weak. Dr. Collins said I was dehydrated, which has made me really tired. The IV drip is helping with the dehydration, but I'm so tired.