The Boy Who Has No Redemption (Soulless 8)

When I was finished with the lesson, I decreased the size of the file so she could play it on her phone, and I sent it off in a text. This is the chapter your teacher is covering this week. Maybe this explanation will help you a bit more.

Three dots lit up immediately, followed by a reply. What is this?

A tutorial. I’ll send you one for every new chapter.

Derek, I said I don’t want your help.

Then don’t watch them. But I’ll keep sending them…in case you change your mind.

When I stepped inside the sports bar, I knew there was no turning back. The anxiety couldn’t change my mind, but the confidence couldn’t assuage my fears either. My eyes scanned the tables and booths before I found him sitting there, his eyes on me, his body absolutely still, like he couldn’t believe I’d actually showed.

I crossed the room, and after what felt like an eternity, I made it into the seat across from him.

His elbows were on the table with his beer in front of him, and his open eyes didn’t blink as he stared at me, visibly nervous. He didn’t move at all. It didn’t seem like he was even breathing. All he could do was stare, as if he didn’t trust his eyes and this wasn’t reality.

I stared back, having no idea what to say.

He obviously didn’t know what to say either.

I’d texted and asked if we could meet, but I never told him what I wanted.

So, his guard was up—high.

The words didn’t come to me as easily as they used to, not like when I was with Emerson. I’d lost all my progress the night everything went to shit. I still hadn’t written a single word of my new book even though Astra was hitting up my voice mail regularly. I just…didn’t know how to talk to other people.

The waitress came over, timid like she knew there was tension between us. “Um, you want anything?”

I didn’t look at her. “Scotch—neat.” I’d gone back to my scotch-drinking ways because beer wasn’t enough to drown out my thoughts anymore. My eyes were constantly tired because I couldn’t sleep, and sometimes the scotch was strong enough to pull me under. But the dreams…the dreams were nightmares.

She returned a moment later and set it in front of me. “Anything else? Maybe an appetizer?”

“No.” I still didn’t look at her.

She silently excused herself.

Now, it was just the two of us—his hand moving to his glass to change position. He didn’t lift it to his mouth for a drink, and a quiet sigh escaped his lips like he was uncomfortable being this close to me. He didn’t try to talk to me like he did before. He just seemed wary.

I still couldn’t think of the words to start this conversation. I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted from him. I just knew I couldn’t let this continue to haunt me.

He cleared his throat. “I was surprised when you contacted me.”

My hand rested on the top of my short glass, and I pulled it close, using it as a crutch as if I’d lost my ability to walk.

“And I was more surprised when you showed up.”

When I looked at his face, I remembered that night so clearly, the way he smiled like everything was fine…when he knew he’d betrayed me. I remembered the sound of his voice in the stairwell when he’d told Tabitha to keep the secret. But instead of letting it anger me, I tried to let it go. “I forgive you, Kevin.”

His eyebrows rose immediately, and his eyes filled with a look I’d never seen before. He seemed both dazed and touched, like this was too good to be true. He bowed his head for a moment as he continued to savor those words, to convince himself that they weren’t just in his head and that they’d actually left my lips. “What brought this on? Because every interaction we’ve had has been pretty hostile.”

“Does it matter?” I brought my glass to my lips and took a drink.

His eyes fell at my response. “It matters to me.”

I swirled my glass and stared down at the contents as they spun around the circular surface. “I know what it’s like to regret something you did. I know what it’s like to do something really fucking shitty and wish you could take it back. I know what it’s like to really be sorry…and to want to sell your soul to have another chance.” I continued to stare at the liquid after I stopped swirling the glass, seeing the dark contents that matched my black soul.

Kevin was quiet, letting those words slowly dissipate into the air around us. “I’ve thought about you a lot these last ten years. I’ve carried so much regret for what I did. Every time your birthday came and went, I wanted to call…but I didn’t want to ruin your birthday if you didn’t want to hear from me. Every time my birthday came and went, I kept hoping you would text me or something. It didn’t matter who I spent those celebrations with, it never felt right because you weren’t there. We were so close, known each other since first grade, and I threw that away for something really stupid. I don’t just feel terrible because I lost you. I feel terrible that I did that to you, that I ruined everything.”