If she didn’t have her son, what was there to live for? Having Luke here wasn’t enough, no matter how much she loved him. She needed them both. She needed a whole family, a complete family, because, truth be told, right now she was terrified and she didn’t think she could go through all this again on her own.
Her breath caught in her throat. What was happening to her? Was she losing her mind? She’d never had thoughts like this in her life. She had to focus. She had to concentrate. She had to get through today.
Luke pulled into the car park and breathed an audible sigh of relief. Ninety minutes of almost complete silence. Not a word, just the easy-listening tunes on the radio as background noise.
He opened the door and stepped out, hearing the loud crick in his neck as he arched his back and stretched his cramped legs. He opened the back door, unclipped Reuben and lifted him out. The little boy didn’t even wake up, just snuggled into the nape of his neck. And this time Luke didn’t pull away. This felt natural.
Abby stepped out the other side, her eyes fixed on the large metropolitan building in front of them.
‘Okay?’ he asked. She nodded and walked back around the car, her hand reaching up and stroking Reuben’s sleeping head.
There was something strange about being in a hospital where nobody knew who you were—you were just another face in the crowd. None of the usual nods of recognition or waves or greetings that usually happened. No one searching for you to consult on a patient or provide medical expertise.
It was strangely disconcerting. Luke rarely told people outside the workplace that he was a doctor—a safeguard mechanism against them listing all their medical complaints for him. But this time he wanted people to know. He wanted them to know he was a doctor, he understood the language, the jargon and to appreciate the knowledge and skills he must have.
He smiled to himself. Was this what happened? Was this the type of feelings that swamped you when you wanted to be an advocate for your child?
Abby was obviously familiar with the place. She wove through the endless white corridors until they reached a set of lifts. Luke moved inside and waited while she pressed the button. The lift moved upwards silently. The doors swooshed open.
And then it hit him. Like an assault. That smell. The smell that could only be associated with this type of ward. Paediatric oncology.
It assaulted his senses in a way he’d never expected, bringing with it an onslaught of unexpected memories. Tests, procedures, medications, dressings. And waiting. Endless and endless waiting.
He must have flinched. ‘Luke?’ Abby’s face was wary. She pressed the button to stop the lift doors sliding shut again. ‘Are you getting out?’ she said pointedly.
He nodded and quickly stepped out of the lift and into the ward. They walked down the corridor, passing open doors showing kids of all ages, sleeping, playing, crying, eating, all at various stages of disease and recovery. For Luke, he’d just stepped back in time. His fingers tightened around Reuben’s sleeping form. He didn’t want to let him go.
The brightly coloured murals on the walls passed by in a flash. A woman in a bright pink tunic walked over and kissed Abby on the cheek. ‘Hi, Abby, how’s he doing?’ She walked around to Luke’s shoulder and smiled at the sleeping boy. She held out her arms. ‘How about I take him while you go in and speak to Jonas?’
Abby nodded at Luke and he reluctantly handed over the sleeping bundle. A sandy-haired man opened the door to the office in front of them. ‘Hi, Abby, I thought I heard Toni’s voice. Come on in.’
His eyes fell on Luke as he held the office door open for them both.
Abby sat down in one of the nearby chairs. ‘Jonas, this is Dr Luke Storm, he’s a … family friend.’
Jonas’s eyes narrowed slightly at her hesitation before he extended his hand towards Luke’s and shook it firmly.
‘Pleased to meet you, Luke. Jonas Bridges. I’m glad that Abby has someone here to support her.’
He sat down at his desk and pushed some forms across the desk towards Abby. Reuben’s blood test results. Did that seem cold? Luke wasn’t sure. But Abby had obviously been seeing this doctor regarding Reuben’s care for a long time. Maybe it was just the professional mutual respect of them both being doctors that led him to be so straightforward?
Luke leaned across the desk and peered at the result. It was just as they feared. Not good.
‘What kind of doctor are you, Luke? Is this your field?’ Jonas was obviously trying to feel his way, to see how much explaining he would need to do.
Luke shook his head. ‘No, this isn’t my field. I’m a cardiologist. But …’ he glanced back at Abby, whose eyes were still fixed on the blood results ‘…I’ve probably got a better understanding of these than most people. My brother had ALL fifteen years ago.’
Jonas nodded slowly, obviously digesting the information. His steady gaze held Luke’s. ‘And now?’
Luke gave an imperceptible shake of his head.
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ His hands reached across the desk and clasped Abby’s. ‘You know what I’m going to tell you next. We need to do another bone-marrow aspiration today. I know that you’ve probably prepared Reuben for that, but I want to take some time to speak to him myself before we do the procedure. Is that okay with you?’
She gave a weak smile. ‘I thought you might.’
‘I’ll be honest with you, Abby, and I think you know what we will find. Depending on what the bone-marrow aspiration shows, it’s likely we’re going to have to look at another round of treatment for Reuben.’
‘What kind?’ Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper.
Jonas’s voice was steady and calm. ‘We’ll discuss the options. We might go for another round of chemotherapy, we might look at chemotherapy with stem-cell transplant, I might also recommend that Reuben takes part in one of our specialised clinical trials.’
Luke was nodding slowly. Dr Bridges was laying out the options so that nothing would be a surprise for her. Just like any reliable physician should. Just as he would. He could see that from a professional perspective. But this didn’t feel like his normal professional consultations. All of Luke’s emotions were heightened. This was Reuben they were talking about. But they might as well have been talking about Ryan—because this felt personal.
Jonas pushed a consent form in front of Abby with Reuben’s name and the procedure listed on it. ‘I know you’re a doctor, Abby, but today you’re a parent—like any other. Do you want me to talk you through this again?’
She shook her head silently and scribbled her name on the consent form.
‘I take it you haven’t given him breakfast this morning Abby?’
She shook her head again. The words just wouldn’t come to her lips right now. She’d already fasted him, knowing the strong likelihood of the procedure taking place. ‘I woke him extra-early and planned to give him something light, but he wasn’t hungry. He couldn’t eat.’
Jonas took one last look over his notes. ‘It will only be a really light anaesthetic, Abby—just like last time. And you’ll be able to take him home in a few hours as long as his pain is under control. Do you want to come in with him again?’
Abby nodded then stood up, pushing her chair backwards. ‘Do you want to speak to Reuben first, then?’
Jonas nodded. ‘Give me a few minutes then come into the room. Toni, the nurse, has everything set up for us.’
Abby folded her arms across her chest and moved sideways to let Jonas past. She didn’t speak. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even turn to face him.
Luke stood up and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Her head naturally leaned against him. ‘He hates this part,’ she whispered.
So did Luke. He’d been with Ryan four times when he’d had a bone-marrow aspiration done. It wasn’t a pleasant experience for a teenager, let alone for a child. ‘He’s a good kid, Abby, he’ll get through this.’
‘But will I?’ The question hung in the air between the
m.
Had she meant to say that out loud? Was that just another random thought that was circulating around her brain? Luke wasn’t quite sure how to respond.
He felt his shoulders tense, a ripple of fear dancing along the edge of his stomach. Memories of his own mother’s actions. What had happened to steadfast Abby?
This was hard. This was difficult. But she was Reuben’s mom. Of course she would get through this—no matter how hard it was.
The door creaked and Toni appeared at their side. ‘Do you want to come through? Jonas has spoken to Reuben and he’s a little upset about the test.’
Abby nodded swiftly and turned, striding out the door. Just as she should. So what had happened a few seconds ago?
Abby couldn’t think straight. She was a doctor. She was used to these things. She’d had to have numerous conversations like this with parents over the years. She hadn’t even needed to see the blood results—because she’d known what they would show.
But somehow it made it all worse. They were real. Her son’s leukaemia was back. The maintenance phase was over—it hadn’t worked. And in the cold, hard light of day, having the figures in front of her in black and white just … sucked.
A word she hadn’t used since she was a teenager. But right now it was the only way to describe how she felt.
She didn’t want to think of any of the other descriptive words. Terrified. Shocked. Traumatised.